Why do people find being asked how they are unhelpful in difficult times?

[Justsittingbythefan]

I had a sad experience recently and came across someone else who has also come across a very similar experience within my professional capacity. One thing I recently appreciated when I was going through the same thing was the people who just asked me how I was, however when I asked this person the same thing they seemed slightly irritated for having been asked. Which led me to the topic on Reddit and people saying they felt really angry when people asked how they were when going through difficult times,
as of course they weren’t going to be happy about it and that people were only doing it for themselves etc , I suppose everyone is different 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because it's not helpful?
Someone knows you're having a awful time and says 'how are you?' they are either insensitive or not good at conversation, as the answer is 'shit, thanks'

A better option would be 'I've been thinking about you' then ask something gentle or how they can provide support.

Personally I don't like talking about things that make me sad, and things that have gone wrong.

You say you saw this person in a professional setting, people just want to get through the working day and get out of there, particularly when dealing with personal issues. It’s not exactly a safe space to become vulnerable or emotional.

You've literally answered your question from your thread title in the last line of your OP 👀

Yes of course everyone knows people think and feel differently, as I said. However I just wanting to gain a deeper understanding of the reasons why some people feel triggered by being asked how they are

I find it completely pointless.

if you know I’m having a terrible time then you know the answer to how are you is “I’m absolutely terrible”

what other answer could there be.

Because you feel awful and people ask how you are but don't REALLY want to know. When my husband died people would ask how I was and it was do hard to say I feel awful. I found it really challenging to talk about my feelings whilst trying to deal with them and telling everyone the same thing just made me feel worse.. And the first month everyone asked how I was and it was exhausting and after that everyone disappeared except my close friends and I realised how insincere those "how are yous" were.

Thank you, I think I’ll take that on board next time I’m in a similar situation, personally I would have found either ‘how are you?’ Or asking how/if I can provide support as a gesture of kindness and I really appreciated both. However if some people really feel being asked how they are in difficult times as insensitive then I’ll perhaps go for the other option. N.b it wasn’t a situation where I had this person under my care, was literally just taking a message from them over the telephone. Interesting also what another poster said about some people not wanting to truly express themselves outside of what they perceive as a safe space, I’m quite an open person and happy to express how I genuinely feel to most people but perhaps those who are more reserved find it awkward

And after reading Reddit you didn't gain that understanding?

I did very genuinely ask the question so the person could talk about how they were feeling if they wanted to. I’d found that helpful as had found it quite a lonely experience overall and really appreciated those people who gave me opportunity to talk about it. What you’ve said is quite insightful as to how the experience can be quite different for everyone and that some people are inundated with people asking how they are and it can feel quite overwhelming . Also like you said, if you subsequently had a negative experience of those people who did ask then it makes it an even more triggering question

The thread I read on Reddit just seemed full of some very angry people so difficult to read it without thinking they were the sort of people you could never do or say the right thing to tbh, I went through quite a sad and tough experience myself and didn’t feel the rage toward everyone they seemed to. I was hoping to gain an understand from more moderate minded people who don’t get mad and defensive at everything. Some people will be falling off their chair laughing at then coming to mumsnet as plenty of those types on here but I always find 30% or so of comments are actually from nice fair minded people and quite helpful

I don’t know why you’re getting such snippy responses OP, it’s not a crime to feel differently about things. Like you I appreciate it if people ask how I am if they know I’m having a hard time and I answer honestly because I take the question at face value, so I would assume it’s a compassionate thing to do to ask people the same if they’re struggling. It’s of course not wrong to feel differently but the people who feel it’s inconsiderate or insincere seem to be making out OP is being wilfully ignorant or that it’s somehow a moral failing to want to ask/be asked.

I think it depends on how well you know them. How you ask. The timing and location of asking.
Not everyone is a share all about life with anyone sort of person.
And some might interpret your asking as being nosey.

I remember being asked how I was shortly after my dsis died. I wanted to respond “how the fuck do you think I am?”

I’ve found someone asking me how I am serves 2 purposes 1. As a gesture of kindness, an acknowledgement of what you’re going through and that they care and 2. An opportunity for you to talk about things if you want to
I’ve found people have seemed to have appreciated being asked in the past but this has more been in the context of friends and family or people I’ve had under my care in a professional capacity. I think the insight I’ve gained from the useful replies on this thread so far is that sometimes strangers or people not closely acquainted to won’t appreciate the gesture as intended and maybe just a brief ‘I’m sorry to hear’ or ‘is there anything I can do to help’ may be all they want.

Because, as other pp said, most people don’t really want to hear your true answer incase it’s uncomfortable for them, or they’ll have to do something. They just want to feel good that they’ve asked you. My DH died about 18 months ago. People expect you to be fine by now. I’m not.

Both points one and two are fine - but how are you isn’t the best way to address them (in my opinion!)

edited to add: you are right that context and closeness of the person asking would matter. I’d ask my close friends as a banter-y way to open up the conversation - knowing full well what the answer will be. Someone I don’t have that relationship with would utterly annoy me though. My boss being prime example. Asks ten times a week during a crisis, despite knowing the answer and having nothing useful to add. It’s like a tick box exercise for him,

Thank you for your reply, you would think having just been through the same type of loss myself would help in such a situation but it’s so interesting reading these replies and the completely different way people interpret being asked how they are and how the context affects it for them, Also sadly why I personally found it such a lonely experience and it makes me understand why more people don’t reach out more as so scared of saying the wrong thing for that person

"how are you" is a incredibly lazy and unempathetic question. Moreover for the person you are effectively asking to re-live whatever life issue has afflicted them.

They re-live it enough! Maybe every 5 minutes!

Tell them you are thinking about them. Buy them a coffee and say "I thought of you this morning". Don't unnecessarily make them have to directly re-address their trauma. They need their minds taking off it.

To often these questions come from people vicariously over invested in people's lives.

She’s asking a genuine question though not casting aspersions on people who feel differently, as some people are doing to her

obviously you know the situation with your boss best, maybe it is just a tick box exercise for him and can totally understand it to be infuriating if he could do something to help and isn’t. Many people do ask it as a gesture of caring though but insightful to realise on this thread how cynically this can be interpreted, which is sad as much easier for me just to say sorry to hear x then move on as not opening up a conversation during a busy day. I just found I really appreciated people who were willing to give that time and opportunity but definitely useful to know why some people have a completely different interpretation and experience of being asked