Why do people find being asked how they are unhelpful in difficult times?

[Justsittingbythefan]

I had a sad experience recently and came across someone else who has also come across a very similar experience within my professional capacity. One thing I recently appreciated when I was going through the same thing was the people who just asked me how I was, however when I asked this person the same thing they seemed slightly irritated for having been asked. Which led me to the topic on Reddit and people saying they felt really angry when people asked how they were when going through difficult times,
as of course they weren’t going to be happy about it and that people were only doing it for themselves etc , I suppose everyone is different 🤷🏻‍♀️

no it isn’t.

That is the sort of message I send to a not so close friend who is going through a tough time, tell them I’m thinking about them and say I’m here if they want to meet up or talk etc. This was a different context as a stranger but someone I was coincidentally talking to in my professional work (just to take a message) and something I wouldn’t of been asked in my situation by anyone i ended up actually talking to. It’s so sad to think the gesture could be interpreted as ‘lazy’ but useful to know that’s how some people feel as you want to get things right for anyone going through a difficult time you come into contact with

thats your (incorrect) interpretation. She literally asked people why they find it annoying, not why they don’t want to tell people what they’re going through. I have a generally low opinion of the human race but I think it’s pretty churlish to think someone asking how you are is ignorant, nosey, lazy or anything other than someone trying to show a bit of care, even if you don’t wish to talk about it with them.

I’m not sure how you’re reaching this conclusion. She isn’t flummoxed, she’s asking for insight from people with a point of view different from her own and taking on board the answers very graciously if you read her replies. Do you always wilfully misinterpret things to paint people in a bad light?

Sorry I didn't mean to be rude and every situation is different. Just asking how are you on its own can seem a bit....well, going through the motions?

But knowing that someone is thinking of you. Perhaps when that person is not someone you would be expecting to be thinking of you. Can be very supportive. So I think you did well!

Thank you, I think I’ll go with ‘is there anything we can do to help?’ After sorry about your loss next time rather than ‘how are you’ as it seems it seems to be a more acceptable gesture from reading the answers on this thread. It was a case of someone ringing in to cancel an appointment because of a loss they’d had so first and last time I would be squeaking to them. It’s difficult, you want to show them that you care but sad and counterproductive if they feel it’s just a tick box exercise. I think before I had the very similar loss they’d had I’d just say sorry about your loss, say I’d pass on the message and bye. It was only from my own experience I felt brave enough to ask them how they were but is a useful lesson about how even if you have experienced something very similar to someone you can still get it completely wrong for them

It's all very personal in the choice of words. In my view you want to avoid platitudes or well intentioned words that really are not honest.

Is it realistic you can actually help? If not then don't say it!!

But as I said earlier having someone who you would not expect to be thinking about you tell you they are can be surprisingly supportive (and emotional in a positive way).

The honest answer is that in these situations there is quite often not a lot of concrete help people can give beyond that.

Xx

My parents died within a few months of each other and the constant " how are you" question really got on my last nerve. It was pretty obvious I was struggling so what was I supposed to say " I'm feeling peachy thank for asking".?

My adult son died last year by suicide. Now just under 9 months on everyone who offered platitudes, such as 'how are you' or 'anything we can do, just let us know' and so on have all but disappeared, except one distant relative and one friend. I would say this is an extra layer of heartbreaking tbh. If anyone you know is going through a bereavement (or any other really tough time) please do not say these things unless you really mean them. Everyone is there to support you at the funeral which is great but it's really six months or a year later the bereaved person needs you to show up.

I’m like you OP, I appreciate people checking in with me in hard times, even if it’s just “how are you?”
But depending on who they are I usually feel able to be honest about how I’m actually coping/not coping. That can then give the person an opportunity to offer more support.

I meant to add to my above post that when I've replied " not very good" to the question, there was a lot of " er, um," and eye contact avoidance. It seems that IME anyway, people don't want to hear you're struggling because it makes them feel awkward and they'd rather not hear an honest answer.

I’m so sorry to hear that xx Thank you for your post, there is someone who I know who lost their adult child and I did go out my way to ask how they were for the first year but not so much recently. Will make an effort to still check in on them

Yes this is what I found made my experience quite lonely, the feeling that people really didn’t want me to talk about it, that’s why I really appreciated people that asked me how I was and listened without making me feel it was shameful to talk about it. There were definetely quite a few people I knew who I mentioned it to who seemed really awkward, it definitely made me feel it wouldn’t be something I’d mention to someone I didn’t know well. Some people were incredibly supportive though and one friend still messages me to ask how I am every couple of days. It would have been nice for people to have just popped around for a cup of tea. I suppose people assume you want to be left alone. Reading some of the posts on here and how angry people have got if the wrong thing is done or said etc has made me think less that people just didn’t care but just as likely they were terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing

Yes that was my intention when I asked the lady, if she’d of said she’s really struggling etc then I’d is probably said is there anything we can do to help, she might have said yes and I could of done whatever I could do to help her. … or maybe no as has good support from her family … She wasn’t rude but her response indicated she was slightly irritated at being asked so it kind of just cut the conversation short

Thank you, you do sound like a lovely genuine friend who really means what they say. As l said only one of about six really .close friends (or so l
thought) are still in touch. I have contacted them a few times, l haven't just sat here waiting for them to contact me. But except initially being invited out or to even stay at theirs anytime in the area, by close friends of my son's who l have known since he was a child. Gone from that now to one text on Mother's day saying thinking of you and how am l etc. l replied and asked about them etc and got zilch back. Just feels like lip service and nothing else.

I’m so sad to hear people have been like that, what is the point of telling someone you’re thinking of them to then not bothering to reply to them and when someone has been through the magnitude of what you’ve been through and will obviously affect you for the rest of your life. Some losses I think most people do find easier within time but every person I’ve know to have lost a child has been deeply affected by it still years later. I would of thought people would have the empathy of thinking how awful it would be if they lost one of their own children to realise that xx

There’s a really good clip of Jill Halfpenny talking about this on women’s hour or something similar.
she said rather than ‘how are you’ which when someone is grieving is a stupid question and too big to even begin answering, be more specific. How was your morning/ how was the school run/ how’s your sleeping been/ are you managing to eat much.

Really, people are taking offence to being asked how they are? Would you rather not be asked and not have someone show care? It might be a stupid or clumsy question in some circumstances but still nice to be asked surely.

Yes. When my husband died, it was during Covid lockdown so my only contact with others was via telephone. I'd feel obligated to say "I'm okay," when the reality was that I'd been screaming at four walls and praying that someone would at least phone me.

The good thing about being at work was that it was a distraction from what was happening at home. I had a different focus and was able to forget the stressor for a few hours. Someone asking how I was would bring it all back.

Asking how someone is, requires the right relationship, the right moment, the right environment (privacy is vital) and the amount of time that could be necessary should the person genuinely need to talk.

That is excellent advice from her. And something I'll use in the future