Why do people find being asked how they are unhelpful in difficult times?

[Justsittingbythefan]

I had a sad experience recently and came across someone else who has also come across a very similar experience within my professional capacity. One thing I recently appreciated when I was going through the same thing was the people who just asked me how I was, however when I asked this person the same thing they seemed slightly irritated for having been asked. Which led me to the topic on Reddit and people saying they felt really angry when people asked how they were when going through difficult times,
as of course they weren’t going to be happy about it and that people were only doing it for themselves etc , I suppose everyone is different 🤷🏻‍♀️

See my post above.

I think it depends on how it is asked and your relationship.

For me when I have been going through difficult times I take it to mean "how is today relative to your current normal?", "how are you coping with everything that is going on", "I know you are having a difficult time and if you need to talk I'm here". I think it takes a relationship where the intent can be read from tone and the general relationship.

Myself and a work colleague were going through difficult time as the same time as one another. If we checked in with one another through work messaging or in the break room. It was a more superficial "how are you?" And the answer might have been "not too bad today, I managed to get some better sleep last night". If we messaged through whatsapp or when it was just 1 on 1 conversation. It was an opening to delve into the situation and emotions and all the things we were juggling beneath the surface. The worries concerns, the thoughts the feelings and so on.

I agree that it depends on who is asking and how/ when. I prefer generally to be left alone to get on with things rather than having to explain how I am to various people.
I have recently had a tough time and put a brief message on a group chat to let my friends know what’s going on, mainly to explain why I might not be as active on the chat etc. And I’m worried now that I’ve unleashed a daily ‘check in’ of some of the group asking in the chat how I am. I genuinely cannot be arsed to answer a check in every day about how I am. And it feels like some people are ‘showing’ they care rather than actually caring, IYSWIM.

Because it makes me want to cry and I don't want to break down and cry in front of others. Also some people don't actually care and are just being nosey.

My DH died about 2 years ago.
'How are you?' - is a basic, social question and you don't have to answer it in depth unless you want to.
In regular times, you probably wouldn't launch into a saga about the most intense part of your private life and you don't have to now either.

I think 'How are you?' has two meanings. If people don't know you well, they are acknowledging your situation and your response can be equally perfunctory/basic just like in regular times, 'Like you'd expect, thank you' - just like you'd probably say, 'fine, thanks. how are you?'

From someone you know well, it can be a genuine invitation to talk, especially if the circumstances are right, and they are letting you know they're there to listen and help. I would find, 'How's your morning/sleep/etc ?' intrusive.

Edit that title sentence, for Christ’s sake.

I see this a lot on here, when people are bereaved.
Under those circumstances, a lot of people don’t know what to say, and say something banal, or maybe a bit daft.
And other people try to play on the safe side and say nothing at all!

I disagree with this generalisation. Yes, that’s how some people feel, however, I’ve personally found work to be light relief and a way to temporarily escape some difficult times I’ve had in the past.

It's annoying and doesn't really help. When things are shit I'd rather have someone sort out my food, do some life admin or tidy up a bit. (I'm a lone parent with no close family so this literally never happens).

Don't ask 'how are you' unless you want an honest answer.
We find ourselves saying 'fine' when really we want to say 'in a dark hole' but know you don't want to hear that.

I was asking to give the opportunity for the person to talk about how they genuinely felt and help if I could but the hint of irritation to my initial question of me asking how they were made me just assume they hadn’t wanted to be asked or discuss the matter at all unless that someone had a magic wand. So just ended up saying not much more than I’d pass on the message after that

I suppose there are some contexts when I’d maybe expect this from people, especially if it’s really clear what help you need and that person is in a position to help. For example as a simplistic example, you see a neighbour with a broken arm struggling to carry some packages into their hous, then any decent person would go and help them. Being the person with the broken arm you wouldn’t be angry at a friend let alone a neighbour not coming over to clean your house from top to bottom but if it was their partner they would realistically expect them to share on a greater load of the housework. A friend just asking how they are getting on is a kind gesture and the friend who then asks if there is anything they can do to help is even more appreciated and the friend who turns up on your doorstep to try and cheer you up with chocolates and company or volunteers to take your child to football practice because you can’t drive is just amazing but definitely not what I would expect

I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your DH xx How you describe your interpretation of the question is similar to how I see it. When I was going through a difficult experience, being asked ‘how are you?’ In a context I didn’t feel I could fully open up I just interpreted as a kind gesture, the reply would be ‘yes not too bad’ or ‘it’s hard’ but I think it still gave me the opportunity to imply that I was still finding it difficult. Where I felt it was the right context to elaborate then I would. The only thing I did find difficult was when I would talk about the experience or how I was feeling and some people made you feel as if you shouldn’t be burdening them with that, they generally were not the people asking how I was though. I did find it a bit lonely that some friends didn’t check in on me, just a ‘how are things going?’ would have been nice. Not that they could have done anything about the situation but the human connection during a difficult time would have been a comfort

Because I’m absolutely done to death with hashing it out and being ‘taken back there’ with people who, more often than not, are asking for comparison or their own self validation.
As a PP said, the correct approach, for anyone who truly cares is ‘hey, I’ve been thinking about you. I hope you’re doing ok. Here if you need anything……move on’. If they want to share they will and this gives them the space to.

Also….sorry about the double reply.

Please, with kindness, stop imposing your own interpretation on how your friends should act. My ‘real’ friends knew that I’d need space. People react differently. Doesn’t mean that they don’t think about you or care. It means that they would probably like space in this type of situation….take note!

The intention behind it is obviously good, but that question is so open ended there is pressure on the person being asked to think up an answer to something that is probably quite complex.
For example, after my mum died, if someone asked me how I was I wouldn’t want to say I was crap because I didn’t want to burden the person asking, didn’t want to open the floodgates and 99% of the time I could perceive that the person didn’t really want to hear the true answer and spend the hours that it would have taken to really explain how I was feeling.
So I would usually end up saying I was ‘ok’ or ‘not bad’ or ‘getting there’ or some other trite over simplification. Then I’d feel bad because I felt I like I wasn’t doing my true feelings, or my dear mum, justice.
Obviously it depends on the circumstances, but I would have appreciated more concrete actions from people who realised it wasn’t necessary to ask how I was feeling, it went without saying. Offer me a cup of tea, sit beside me, ask me if I want to talk and mean it. Specific questions like ‘are managing to sleep ok?’ ‘do you need any help with anything for the funeral, I could recommend a florist?, ‘are you having enough to eat, can I make you some of my famous curry?’ Or ‘this sucks and I’m here for you, can I bring round a bottle
of wine tonight?’ would have been much more helpful.

I was taught when I was growing up that it was bad manners to talk about yourself. That when people asked How are you? You gave a non commital answer.
It never fails to amaze me when I ask that question of other people that they actually TELL me . And often in great detail
Even now if anyone asks me anything about myself I find myself totally ignoring the question and ask them something about themselves and usually people are happy to talk about themselves.
Presumably I'm not the only one who.
dislikes talking about themselves and who finds being asked about myself totally embarrassing.

They may have been triggered by the question as they are struggling mentally and have not found closure.

Yet despite this, there is no excuse for them to retalliate on you as your intentions were out of compassion for their wellbeing.

I tend to wait until people are ready to speak before discussing difficulties and by then they have started to move forward.

As an ex police 999 call handler, my experience is that people like being asked about their welfare.

I agree. This is going the usual MN way, and given that most many on here seem incapable of normal social intercourse it's not surprising.

Reading through a few threads today just highlights to me how odd so many MNers are, and totally different to the people I know in real life.

I think its because you're forcing vulnerability. And your colleague probably is the sort of person who becomes vulnerable on their own terms or maybe not at all.

I have a colleague who hates it when you sympathise. She shuts it down and goes stiff upper lip or faux positivity. Shes essentially avoiding me pulling out more feelings from her probably because shes either not wanting to face them herself or she doesn't want to discuss them with me as were not all that close. Either way fair enough.

One problem with the question "How are you?" is that it's a stock question which people often ask when they meet each other, so it's often meaningless; there are endless threads about this, not even about death. The French have an even shorter phrase: "ça va?". I once asked "how are you" to a 90-year-old gentleman at church: his gruff reply was "never ask an elderly person how they are". Perhaps he was more used to "How do you do?" A book about being in a women's prison in the 1950s noted that in the hospital, the question "are you all right?" would be asked by the sister, doctor or matron as a matter of routine, and the correct replies were always "Yes thank you, sister", "Yes thank you, doctor", "Yes thank you, madam", even though you might be dying on your feet; and indeed, prisoners would start to reply "yes thank you" before the question had even been asked.

Beware of a different problem that can happen with bereavement: people avoiding speaking at all to somebody recently bereaved, in case they say the wrong thing and upset them. My aunt said that this happened to some of her friends when their husbands died; even their close friends gave the bereaved person a wide berth, "giving them space", just in case. They might have appreciated being asked "how are you?"

I agree that offering to help in some way can be more useful instead, but taking care to avoid being self-serving. "I'll gladly take their possessions off your hands" might not go down well, if asked carelessly.

I think it depends (as you say, everyone is different). Some people will be looking/wanting to talk so "how are you" gives them opportunity to say. However, if the person asking isn't someone they want to talk to, then it's a nightmare question because you either have to lie (which is really tricky when people know what has occurred) or you have to tell someone your feelings when youve been trying to just get on that day.
I think it's a "take your lead from them" situation. "How are you" is also a very generic question, you say it/get asked it all the time, and I can see it being very annoying - it's asked primarily out of politenesa/social convenience by the person asking, it's very rarely asked because of the person answering, which can feel insensitive.
Everyone is different though

I read a macmillan leaflet for family and friends of people with cancer. It said ask ‘how are you today? ‘ so then people can just talk about their day and everyday things, or can talk about the big issues if they want.

I’m not sure if this is their current advice but it seems a useful question to me when you want to show you care how someone is but dont want to stir up trauma etc

Did you tell him to fuck off and stop being so rude to a polite question??