Why do people find being asked how they are unhelpful in difficult times?

[Justsittingbythefan]

I had a sad experience recently and came across someone else who has also come across a very similar experience within my professional capacity. One thing I recently appreciated when I was going through the same thing was the people who just asked me how I was, however when I asked this person the same thing they seemed slightly irritated for having been asked. Which led me to the topic on Reddit and people saying they felt really angry when people asked how they were when going through difficult times,
as of course they weren’t going to be happy about it and that people were only doing it for themselves etc , I suppose everyone is different 🤷🏻‍♀️

No idea. How are you is an indirect way of offering someone the opportunity to expand on why they're not okay, which the person asking would already know, hence the enquiry and opportunity being offered.

People seem way too entitled about others approach when showing concern. If I come across that type of person, they can suffer in isolation. You're obviously not going through something that serious if you're well enough to try to dictate and judge consolation from well meaning people, IMO.

As we were in the house of God, and not in Mumsnetland, I turned the other cheek and killed him with kindness, instead of swearing, which would hardly have given me the moral high ground. He was a notorious Victor Meldrew type whom many people (including me) found somewhat endearing

You’re a much nicer person than I am.

But, you’re absolutely right. You were in church and knew the chap was a bit cranky generally.

All kinds of reasons why someone becomes irritated. Because ….
…they are trying to hide that they are not alright but you have seen through it
… it’s private, no one else’s business
… it upsets them to discuss it
… there’s no point in discussing it if you can’t help
… talking about it betrays a confidence or secret
… there could be consequences beyond their control

Completely agree. “I’ve been thinking about you, I know things are difficult” or “I’m glad to see you, I’ve been thinking of you” shows real care without requiring the conversation to turn to ‘the thing’. You can respond “I really appreciate that thank you. How is your job?”

if someone wants to pour their heart out, they will.

I remember over hearing a conversation between my Dad and bother relative where someone said “now tell me how things are with your mother” and my dad responded “awful, her dementia has advanced enormously and she’s in a secure home. Very distressing for everyone” The person who asked the question didn’t even have the decency to hide their awkwardness or pretend to be interested they just went “oh..right” and immediately changed the subject 😡

You have to give people the option of ducking out - direct questions (or demands as in the case above) are not welcome.

My husband died two months ago so i'm right in the thick of this at the moment. When people ask me that question - especially people I don't know well - I don't know what to say in response. How am I supposed to briefly sum up how I feel about the fact that the love of my life died young after 2 years of hell battling cancer and now that beautiful man who was so full of life is ashes in an urn in our living room? I cannot put into words how that makes me feel, and I don't want to talk about it with people I hardly know. I will talk about it with my close family and friends if I feel able to, but no I don't want one of his mum's ex neighbours messaging me every week with "how are you?" - which is what I've had again today. If you want to show you care just say "I'm thinking of you." I don't want to pause my day to tell a stranger my feelings or to drag up stuff that is causing me pain. I have family and friends of my own for that. People are kind, they really are and that's lovely, but I have noticed there seems to be an assumption by strangers that I suddenly need them to insert themselves into my life like I must be alone or in need of all these new people, and I don't, I already have all the support I need. It makes me sound like a bitch, and I'm honestly not, but it makes you feel beseiged.

OP, I'm with you,. To me, it reads as a gesture that says: I have remembered you are having a tough time right now and want you to know I care about how you are coping.

But to others it comes over as intrusive or pointless. Because you can't actually tell people how you are - they don't have time, they don't care enough to actually want to know, they can't help, so it only serves to remind you of the shit you are dealing with.

Sometimes sympathy can be what pushes you over the edge if you're just about holding it together. I don't think that means we shouldn't be sympathetic though.
There is also the cultural expectation of 'fine thanks' as an answer to how are you, which people might jar against.
Maybe with your colleague you could show sympathy in a different way?

I think this is why a lot of people who feel lonely feel the way they feel. Some people want to connect but it always feels when reading these threads that most don't. And absolutely never say you've been through something similar as that will be seen as though you're trying to compete. I think it's useful to take on board some suggestions for what to say instead but ultimately certain people will always be offended.

Because sometimes the true answer is 'none of your business'.
Because you're making the person who's already feeling shit choose between
1 - the honest answer - 'shit' - thereby being a downer, and talking/thinking about things they maybe don't want to in that moment, or to you, and
2 - lying, which feels uncomfortable (it does to me anyway).
So your nice intention backfires.
3 - sometimes when people are going through shit, others feel they have a right to know the details. They don't.
4 - sometimes others will forget that you are a whole human being with other features and aspects to your life and reduce you to the shit thing

There are other, less pointed ways to communicate what you intend.

When I was newly widowed I did appreciate people showing concern, but what am I supppsed to say in response to how are you?

Not so bad really. Doing OK thanks.

The pressure's on to come up with something that doesn't make the asker uncomfortable, when the real answer is it's taken all my effort to crawl out of the house, what I really want is to curl up in a ball forever, and now I have to deal with people asking stupid questions.