I don't want my stepson at my 3 year old's birthday treat

[Mindsamess]

I know that the title is a bit click-baity, but that's the jist of it.

I have 2 stepchildren that live with us full time. I also have a 2, almost 3 year old. Her birthday is coming up and she was showing no interest in a party so I planned to take her and her 4 year old sister horse riding instead as she is obsessed with horses and it will be the first time she is old enough to ride them at the local stables.
I told DH and he said I would also have to book my 9 year old stepson as he hasn't ridden horses before either. The girls have a great relationship with him and I do a lot with the three of them together so that's fine and I booked them all in for the day of her birthday. Now my 14 year old DSS says he wants to come and DH has said I should also book him in. Here's my issue, DSS14 is awful to his siblings at times, he is basically a bully and tries to control and domineering his younger siblings. Aside from that- we had issues with DD2 hitting and biting and scratching and nothing we did was stopping it, then 2 weeks ago I heard DSS14 whispering to DD2, DSS9 was there and said loudly to DD2, "no, you don't do that, don't do what he's telling you", and I asked what was being said and it turned out that DSS14 was telling DD2 that if anyone ever upsets her she should hit or bite or scratch them. Since then DD2 has told me and my parents on separate occasions that DSS14 tells her bad things and when asked what she said he tells her to hit mummy or to hurt other people.
DH spoke to DSS but didn't give any kind of consequences, he accepted DSS's explanation that he was trying to teach her how to defend herself and telling her to hit back if someone hit her first (that's not what he said and not his place to teach her).

Since I've booked it DSS14 keeps going on about how he can't wait to go and how he'll be better at it than all the others. I feel like not only should his recent behaviour with DD2 mean he doesn't go, but I know that he isn't interested in it being her birthday and the day will just become all about him (this very often happens, it affects family days out, birthdays, celebrations). As the youngest, DD2 has spent her life falling in with everyone else's routine and life, I feel like this one day could and should be about her for a change.

DH is doing a lot of ordering you about.

Wonder where stepson gets it from.

DH is the type of person that tells you what to do, if I don't agree I'll generally say though but when it comes to my stepkids it becomes trickier as it can cause a lot of arguments.

But DSS is a very different kettle of fish, he takes visible pleasure from other people's pain and likes to make his siblings feel bad about themselves, likely as a result of his own insecurities I know but it is horrible to be around and see.

Let him go. Horses are great levellers. He won't be half so cocky by the time he gets off the horse.

I was thinking the same

older one clearly jealous!

Is the 14 year old living with you all
as well ?
So 2 girls aged 3 and 4 and 2 boys aged 9 and 14?

Yes we all live together. He has been jealous of other children ever since I've known him, even before DDs came along. He struggles with friendships as a result of it.

How come both of your husband’s sons are living with him?

Is their mum dead?

I'm not going to go into the specifics as it's very outing.

While I agree with @Pearlstillsinging (And if we were talking about an adult here, I’d be like, yep, crack on DSS!), I don’t think you’d be wrong not to take him. You’ve got 3 kids who sound like they’re going to have a fab time because they’re genuinely interested - do you really want to spoil that because you’ve got to continually keep an eye on DSS14 & what he’s up to?! And horses being horses are super unpredictable, what if disaster really hits?? If DH is so adamant that DSS14 needs to attend, then DH also needs to go with you. The more adults the better if he asks why!! And you don’t want DH missing out on all the birthday fun now 😉 The behaviour issues need addressing, but horse riding is not the activity to be doing that. Health & safety needs to come first here!

Maybe because they’re his sons? Just a wild guess there.
No one ever asks a woman why her children live with her 🤔

Fair enough.
Has the 14 year old ever had professional help for the issues he is experiencing?

@SnappyQuoter
Yes you’re absolutely correct. Usually children live with their mothers and see their dads EOW.

I'm getting some déjà vu here.

if it’s not to late, just have it as a treat for the two younger ones.

It doesn't seem like it was a great idea to start this family.

Anyway, maybe the two boys ride first and then the two girls? They probably need very different types of lessons anyway given the age range.

This is really true about the safety aspect. DH can't come as he's scheduled to work that day so I'll just say that as he can't come to help supervise, I'll only do it with the younger ones.

It doesn't seem like it was a good idea to start this family

Why would you think that this is in any way a helpful or even appropriate comment?

Explain that 4 kids (2 of which are v young) going horse riding together is too stressful. Disappointing for DSS 2 I realise but DH can spin it as he’d rather take the boys for their 1st time horse riding together to see them and do that soon after.
That way they’re not missing out and get to spend time just with them.

I wouldn't just leave one child out.

I would've made it for the birthday girl only or at least the younger two.

Where did you get that they each have a different combination of parents from?

You SS sounds like a sociopath.

I’d split up at the stables, have DH go with the 9 & 14 yr olds and you go with the little ones. They aren’t going to let them on horses all together with that age range. The little ones will likely be on a pony and riding in a circle inside a corral with a groom holding a lead. The older ones may go on a horse at a walk down a path. Then go out to lunch together.

On the behaviour issue, of what he said to DD2 you seemed to be saying that his story didn’t match the 9 yo’s story but it does?

If anyone upsets you can mean if anyone is bullying you and it matches his stated intention to tell her how to protect herself. And what do mean not his place? Older siblings teach younger siblings things all the time. Fine if you overrule him, parents have the right to do that, but saying it’s not his place is really weird.

Is the horse-riding on the actual birthday?
Could you reschedule so DH is free too?