I don't want my stepson at my 3 year old's birthday treat

[Mindsamess]

I know that the title is a bit click-baity, but that's the jist of it.

I have 2 stepchildren that live with us full time. I also have a 2, almost 3 year old. Her birthday is coming up and she was showing no interest in a party so I planned to take her and her 4 year old sister horse riding instead as she is obsessed with horses and it will be the first time she is old enough to ride them at the local stables.
I told DH and he said I would also have to book my 9 year old stepson as he hasn't ridden horses before either. The girls have a great relationship with him and I do a lot with the three of them together so that's fine and I booked them all in for the day of her birthday. Now my 14 year old DSS says he wants to come and DH has said I should also book him in. Here's my issue, DSS14 is awful to his siblings at times, he is basically a bully and tries to control and domineering his younger siblings. Aside from that- we had issues with DD2 hitting and biting and scratching and nothing we did was stopping it, then 2 weeks ago I heard DSS14 whispering to DD2, DSS9 was there and said loudly to DD2, "no, you don't do that, don't do what he's telling you", and I asked what was being said and it turned out that DSS14 was telling DD2 that if anyone ever upsets her she should hit or bite or scratch them. Since then DD2 has told me and my parents on separate occasions that DSS14 tells her bad things and when asked what she said he tells her to hit mummy or to hurt other people.
DH spoke to DSS but didn't give any kind of consequences, he accepted DSS's explanation that he was trying to teach her how to defend herself and telling her to hit back if someone hit her first (that's not what he said and not his place to teach her).

Since I've booked it DSS14 keeps going on about how he can't wait to go and how he'll be better at it than all the others. I feel like not only should his recent behaviour with DD2 mean he doesn't go, but I know that he isn't interested in it being her birthday and the day will just become all about him (this very often happens, it affects family days out, birthdays, celebrations). As the youngest, DD2 has spent her life falling in with everyone else's routine and life, I feel like this one day could and should be about her for a change.

*maybe

I’d swap the days to a time your DH can go and take the kids to a soft play or cinema or something on the actual birthday.

Have you thought about your girls longer term safety in the home if your stepson behaviours aren't addressed? You need to watch him like a hawk.

Actions have consequences…particularly pertinent with moody teenagers; especially pertinent with anyone who consistently acts like a little shit. Take the younger ones and enjoy. DSS has made his bed and should lie in it. X

This! The stables will generally do things catered to the age range and the two youngest will be sitting on a small pony with likely someone walking alongside leading the pony. It will be very very dull for a 14 year old if it's all the same activity

@Mindsamess It seems like you already have a plan for what you're going to say to your husband but, as a very long serving secondary school teacher, please speak to your DSS's pastoral team at school about what he has been doing to his sisters.

You've said he's struggled with friendships because of his behaviour too, also he's been trying to get them to 'hurt people' and has been saying other inappropriate things.

This is not 'normal' behaviour, even for a more challenging teen and I really think he needs some mental health support or therapy of some kind. School will have access to support services and if they aren't useful then I'd be going to GP or external psychological support services.

If he was doing this in school to much younger students this would be raising a LOT of red flags and, whilst we only get a snapshot of anyone's life from an internet post, if he's genuinely like this all the time, for the sake of his future and all your children, I'd be urgently seeking support.

I don't say that lightly. I've seen all kinds of behaviours over my career and there have been a handful of students who have unnerved me, some of them had lives that became more troubled and dangerous as they got to adulthood. How you have described his behaviours has unnerved me (and I'm sure it's unnerved you) so please do act on those feelings if it's as you describe.

I don’t think that’s the case these case, 50-50 is more the norm now.

You have a joint almost 3 year old and a 4 year old daughter.

Things have moved very fast. No wonder dss is acting up.

I find his behaviour worrying. Especially the whispering in the corner. This could turn to threats. I have seen it before and seen it continue into adulthood.

However, I'm going to look at this differently. He is approaching puberty, a difficult emotional time for boys. They are babies in nearly adult bodies. They need their mum. Girls tend to gain more independence as teenagers. Generally speaking.

This particular boy hasn't got his mum. Look at all the fuss about William and Harry losing their mum young. We don't know where this boys mum is, simply that she's not there.

He has lost his mum and gained a new mum and 2 little sisters. Of course he feels left out, jealous and upset.

If he is excluded from horse riding it will only make the resentment worse. The teenage brain doesn't compute - you've been a shit, you're not going horse riding. His brain will compute - I've been excluded, it's not fair.

When I have taken kids riding I have never taken more than 2, of a similar age. Your girls will just be led around.
The last time I took a 9 year old they were on a lunge rein, can't remember if they started by being led around. The instructors were in charge and I just observed.

The 9 year old will be on a bigger pony, the 14 year old will be on an even bigger one. You need to discuss all of this with the riding school. It is possible that the 2 boys could have a separate lesson. You will be on site, therefore it may be ok for them to have a separate lesson. It's all up to the riding school, their staffing and amenities. They will need 4 instructors for 4 kids. You need to tell oldest boy that he is separate because he is more capable, bigger horse blah blah.

Horses are soothing creatures. Maybe he will develop an affinity with them.

2 final pieces of advice:

1. keep an eye on the eldest boy.
2. Horse riding is bloody expensive. Especially for 4 kids.

Why have children with someone who already has had a family with someone else? Seems so much hard work!

Could a friend come and help with the older two?

There are a ton of places that are clearly catering to younger children (think Shetland ponies and unicorn themed). Lots of established riding schools wouldn’t take a 3 year old so finding something that is actually suitable for a 3 and 14 year old isn’t always easy. The place we’ve been to when my girls were younger doesn’t take over 10s. Your easiest way out here is to find somewhere like that that is very clearly aimed at smaller kids.

The older one has potentially been dealing with some traumas and needs additional help.

Sounds like you don’t like the 14 year old, and he knows it. He sounds unhappy and insecure, his dad needs to recognise that and get him some professional help.
As for the birthday treat, it’s one child or all 4 of them, you don’t exclude one sibling.
To be honest I actually think family counselling would be beneficial for all of you.

It’s hard for everyone involved here (even the DH although it sounds like he is making most of the difficulties)
Someone needs to take proper care of the stepson, show him love and support and guidance. Speak to the school and get him a good counsellor.
Re the birthday trip- DH comes OR only the birthday girl goes. No other way is fair.

If I were in your shoes I would not be taking 14 year old stepson to the horse riding birthday treat. Your daughters are 3 and 4 years old. There’s lots of red flags in your posts and I personally would not allow such young children to be with him, certain not alone with him. Tell your husband to get some psychological help for stepson! One day his behaviour might be reported to social services / police!

DD2 has told me and my parents on separate occasions that DSS14 tells her bad things and when asked what she said he tells her to hit mummy or to hurt other people.
takes visible pleasure from other people's pain and likes to make his siblings feel bad about themselves

Could you be straight with him and say you are not keen on him coming because he often says unpleasant and unacceptable things that spoil people's enjoyment? That this makes you sad and that you do not want the day spoiled?

It sounds as tho he is an unhappy young man but he does need to hear that his actions are not to be tolerated. When he says these things to your DD are there any consequences?

A pleasant 14 year old boy could be an asset on the trip by helping with the little ones, even tho it does seem weird that he wants to go to a 3 year old's party.

Your family feels divided and this must be hugely difficult for you, trying to be fair to everyone.

I know it's not the point of the thread but I was struck by how you said 'I have 2 stepchildren that live with us full time. I also have a 2, almost 3 year old' rather than mentioning the other parent eg 'we have'.

This.

I'm just going to focus on the specific question of the horseriding day.

What a lovely idea for DD2. I really understand your desire to make it special for her.

The first question is whether the local stables will even accept a booking for a party of four children ages 3, 4, 9 and 14 with only one adult.

I wonder whether the best way forward is to approach this in terms of logistics and safety. Contact the stables. Perhaps go with a touch of honesty: it's DD2's birthday, and you really want to be with her and DD1 the whole time, so you can take pictures, celebrate the day, etc. You might say that the two DSSs are keen to attend, but you really don't want DD2's birthday to be overshadowed. And see what the stables say. Would they need another adult? Will it be one big group or split by ages? Would other kids from other families be present?

Depending on what the stables say, you might rejig the plan to have two outings: the first one just for the DDs, and a second outing for the DSSs (or everyone).

This might still cause angst for DSS1, but I'm really not sure you can sell a plan in which three of the four of them attend – at least unless your DH is on board that this is presented as a punishment for bad behaviour.

Serious behaviour issues? How melodramatic. He sounds like a bit of a shit, but lots of kids are. Most people just get on with it without hang-wringing, you should try it.

I wouldn’t let him come, he’s not behaving in good faith. A 14 year old doesn’t want to come to a 4 year old’s birthday. If your husband can’t make it he’s got no right to make demands of you.

More worryingly, are your little girls safe with him around? He sounds very concerning in terms of his behaviour.

I think your SS is crying out for attention and would benefit from some sort of counselling. It’s not normal what he’s saying to your dd.
For some reason he doesn’t live with his mum. That’s tough on a kid. His father met another woman and started a new family when he was very young but not so young that he didn’t have an awareness of what was happening. He knows his place in the family is different to the younger two. I’d take him horse riding but also consider family therapy.

I’m not entirely sure what experience you have booked or are planning to book. My DD had a ride out for her birthday but she was 4 or 5 because they wouldn’t let her do it before then. She just was led out on some quiet paths near the stable - loved it. When she was a little older she started lesson properly and there were some different aged children in the class but they all started out being led. I’d definitely ask the stables what they can accommodate with the different ages because this is not something that you can just add another person to like bowling. ( might need to be 2 lots of 2 or the older ones on a different day. Expensive hobby though if it’s something they want to do going forward. In my area it’s £50 / £60 a lesson and that’s not even an hour. ). The whole issue may be resolved by the limitations of the yard.

”That’s too many kids for me to manage alone safely around horses, I’ll need to be with the younger two and someone will need to be with the older boys. You’ll need to take the day off DH and you can ride with the boys. Sounds like a lovely day out!”

He sounds like a very damaged young man. Is he attending therapy?