I don't want my stepson at my 3 year old's birthday treat

[Mindsamess]

I know that the title is a bit click-baity, but that's the jist of it.

I have 2 stepchildren that live with us full time. I also have a 2, almost 3 year old. Her birthday is coming up and she was showing no interest in a party so I planned to take her and her 4 year old sister horse riding instead as she is obsessed with horses and it will be the first time she is old enough to ride them at the local stables.
I told DH and he said I would also have to book my 9 year old stepson as he hasn't ridden horses before either. The girls have a great relationship with him and I do a lot with the three of them together so that's fine and I booked them all in for the day of her birthday. Now my 14 year old DSS says he wants to come and DH has said I should also book him in. Here's my issue, DSS14 is awful to his siblings at times, he is basically a bully and tries to control and domineering his younger siblings. Aside from that- we had issues with DD2 hitting and biting and scratching and nothing we did was stopping it, then 2 weeks ago I heard DSS14 whispering to DD2, DSS9 was there and said loudly to DD2, "no, you don't do that, don't do what he's telling you", and I asked what was being said and it turned out that DSS14 was telling DD2 that if anyone ever upsets her she should hit or bite or scratch them. Since then DD2 has told me and my parents on separate occasions that DSS14 tells her bad things and when asked what she said he tells her to hit mummy or to hurt other people.
DH spoke to DSS but didn't give any kind of consequences, he accepted DSS's explanation that he was trying to teach her how to defend herself and telling her to hit back if someone hit her first (that's not what he said and not his place to teach her).

Since I've booked it DSS14 keeps going on about how he can't wait to go and how he'll be better at it than all the others. I feel like not only should his recent behaviour with DD2 mean he doesn't go, but I know that he isn't interested in it being her birthday and the day will just become all about him (this very often happens, it affects family days out, birthdays, celebrations). As the youngest, DD2 has spent her life falling in with everyone else's routine and life, I feel like this one day could and should be about her for a change.

Yes you can speak about it without DSS being present, while I’d always advocate involving him at this stage it’s more important that you get some help. In terms of it being you or DH, this honestly needs both parents/parental figures to be involved and on board. Your DH needs to understand that his child needs help, what you’re seeing in his behaviour is deeply worrying and is a sign that he’s not coping. So sit down with your DH and set out your concerns focussed on your DSS and framed as worry for him.

I’ll post links to some books that will help you understand what might be going on with DSS and that will help you explain to DH. I’d make initial appointments with DH and then you can probably take over from there if that’s your normal way of doing things.

That would be amazing thank you, do you know of any books that would be helpful for supporting the other children around that kind of behaviour too?

In terms of reading, this is a really good starting point simple guide. I’d also read The Body Keeps the Score and this one by Dan Hughes. They’ll give you a good insight into how trauma impacts children and young people and will give you some strategies that will help you adjust your parenting where needed.

Everything isn’t trauma, but trauma is always in the mix, if that makes sense, so the more you know the more you can find ways through. You sound lovely, I can hear how worried you are for all of the kids involved.

I think for your younger two, having strategies that keep them safe - so supervising them while he’s with them (ie activities as a family so he doesn’t feel watched but you know they’re safe), having some clear family rules (no secrets, no hitting or throwing) and physical boundaries - your step sons will be getting to an age where privacy is important so things like not going into each others bedrooms will help.

Your younger step sons presumably had similar experiences to your older step son, so building strong, safe relationship with him is important and finding ways for him to talk about what happened to him. I often find that it’s in the car or doing the washing up etc that they’ll speak about it - or when there’s no real time so they can dump and run. Don’t force it but let him know you’re aware he’s had a hard time and you’re always open to talking. And be led by him, 10 minutes of open chat is better than an hour.

I’ll have a look for books but there are child focused story books that help kids understand their own trauma which might be useful (I found them good for giving me ways to explain why my kids felt the way they did). Sarah Naish has a set of story books that are lovely but possibly too young for your 9 year old. There’s also Help Your Dragon Cope with Trauma which is good too.

You've got this, I know it feels daunting to think there’s something that needs careful attention but you’re thoughtful and caring and open to helping him. That honestly goes a long way.

My heart breaks for these 3 poor children. Their childhoods are being ruined through both mental and physical abuse, and they are forced to live with their abuser. The adults in their lives aren’t adequately protecting them from the abuse. I’d walk through fire to protect my DCs from abuse.

For all 4 children. Because something has gone badly wrong in the oldest child's life. It seems like incredibly poor judgement to add half siblings into his life

For those saying that I am under-reacting or need to do more about DDS's behaviour, I would genuinely like advice on what they suggest I do.

Gosh what an awful position you are in. It might be easier if it were just your two children but also wanting to try to protect SS2 makes it really tough.

After giving the matter some thought, I think you have to accept, harshly, you can’t save these these children on your own. Your best bet might be to try to force him to parent (admittedly and risk further neglect but like I say, you can’t do this alone anyway).

I think I would tell DH from now on you will no longer participate in active parenting of his two children (doctors apps, clothes, school run etc) and will not be left in charge of the eldest or alone with him and the other children at any time. This will continue until he invests real time and effort in helping his eldest and tangible improvements are seen. I’d cook for everyone but that is it. No washing (including DH), no cleaning their rooms (move to a spare room if you can). Effectively I would separate whilst living in the same home. I would take no instruction from him regarding his two boys - none of my business. Do you work? If not, I would start and organise childcare for your two. Try to be as independent as possible. Then I would bide my time for about 5 years until the younger ones are better able to be coached to defend themselves against SS1 and leave. I’d personally offer a home to SS2 assuming nothing has changed - at 14 if he wants to go the courts might just let him.

I think thats the best solution. You take the little ones alone as one group and H takes the older ones another day. Alternatively, you reschedule and do it on a day when H is avaliable. You'll still need to spilt it to two groups.

I'm not really thinking of fairness because I dont think a big kid needs to attend a toddlers birthday even if they are siblings. Your toddler isn't going to go to the teenager's parties. I just think the teenager sounds like he's already struggling and I wouldnt want him to feel excluded or othered.

Im just throwing thus out there because I dont kniw the situation but it co e to mind because he's telling your toddler to hurt you. Anyway, he can love you Nd resent you at the same time. He can love you because you are stable and trusted adult in his life and also resent you because hs wishes his mum was like that. Feelings are complicated.

He does sound like he needs help but you can't make him go to therapy. If he likes the horses and you can afford it caring for animals can be very therapeutic.

I literally could be writing your posts, it’s so familiar to our situation too. Not many will understand because it is unusual for dad and stepmum to have custody.

I had a cross roads recently as to whether to decide to remove myself and DCs from living with SS. It’s not as simple as other posters are suggesting because you have to protect all 4 children, even SS from himself! The only reason I have stayed and kept the family blended is because SS has committed to engaging with therapy. This is make or break time for us, without a continued improvement in his behaviour then we will be considering living apart together or SS with grandparents to protect SD and DC. You have my complete empathy on this, it’s a shit situation to be in. You sound like an amazing stepmum and mum.

In my experience, a huge barrier to therapy for kids is at least one parent is scared something they do have / done/don't do will be exposed. I've seen this play out myself.

I have a feeling husband may have a problem with either the above or being made to pull thumb out his anus to do something to actually help. It's not ok that you should sort all this out.

You don’t have to protect all 4 children though. I was in a situation with some similarities. I really felt for SD who was vulnerable. I was given advice that I’ve been given a role and responsibility as mum to my 2 DC and I must make sure I fulfil that first. I can support SC as well if I can but my feelings about that must not mean that I don’t take the steps I need to protect my DC. We all only have one mum and my kids have the right to expect me to do my very best for them, put myself in front of them in danger or remove us all if needed.
it was not an easy decision I made but it was the right one when I left to put my dc welfare first.
OP I’m so sorry but it seems to me you are approaching if not at this hard decision making point.
maybe living separately and seeing if things can improve with dh and ss1 might show them how serious things have become. You can’t guarantee to be around your girls all the time, there will easily be a few minutes where they can be accessed by ss1 and something could quickly happen that harms them.

So how does OP deal with this? If she leaves with her daughters, he husband will probably ask for 50/50 with with the two girls, and OP won't be around to protect them from DSS14 during her DH's time with them. I'm also sure that she would be worried about leaving her DSS9 to the mercies of his older brother.

There is no easy solution here. OP is trying to do her best. Her husband is in denial.

This is true and I'm pretty positive that I know what it is because like I said, DH experienced his own childhood trauma, he then got with and had children with someone who then replicated that same trauma and experience with his own children. DSS addressing this through therapy means DH also having to address his own experiences, which are something that he has squashed down way inside in order to ignore. I still don't know everything that went on in his childhood because he won't tell me it all, but I know there's more than what he has told me and I have only discovered much of it over the years. Had I had any idea that he had all this going on in the background that he hadn't addressed in himself then I obviously would never have brought more children into the situation, but things only became clear once DSSs were living with us full time and after having our own children as this has been the catalyst for certain things as he has realised through them growing up how abnormal aspects of his childhood were.

They both 100% need therapy. DH's experiences have manifested differently in terms of how DH is and how DSS behaves, but they definitely form part of the reason why DH is so bad at addressing the issues with DSS.
None of this excuses it on DH's part as a parent, but they explain it.

Thank you. This is very much how it feels. This summer the girls and I will get some breathing room as we are going away for the full summer and DSSs have chosen not to come (they were given the option but didn't want to be away the whole summer). I do worry about my DSS9 during this time but I also hope that not having me and the girls around as buffers might force DH's hand in terms of recognising DSS's behaviour and the need to properly address it.

I agree with everyone commenting on DH's parenting of this, it's piss-poor, but that's why I don't trust him to protect the kids if I'm not around otherwise I would be leaving in order to keep them away from it.

Your husband is fucking pathetic.

He’s failing you all.

Of course, it reaches a point where you have to act in the interests of your DC only. I’m not yet at that point but I’ve been very close that threshold being crossed.

It doesn’t sound like OP is considering that option though because of being unable to protect her DC on DH’s contact time. Exactly why I would hesitate to do the nuclear option without a way to ensure this. I am sorry that you had to leave in order to protect your DC, that’s an awful situation to be in and the right decision for your DC I am sure.

In that case, I would book a family therapy/ counselling session for you, DH and DSS. Perhaps DSS will be open to the therapy if you are there, you can get DH on board by saying it's to support DSS as he won't go to counselling/ therapy that's offered by himself so you can frame it as you both needing to go to support DSS.

In reality, it will help DH face things too. If DH is reluctant, I'd emphasise that school have been clear that he needs support and you're all aware his behaviour isn't 'normal'. Would he rather deal with therapy now as a preventative or leave it, potentially have his behaviours escalate as an adult and then visit him in prison when he inevitably crosses the line or harms someone.

I had the same anxieties about contact time. I don’t think these should always stop you leaving though.
ExH may ask for 50:50 or may not. If it’s taken to court they might enforce that or they might not, bearing in mind the risks.
Anyway, I felt I was showing my daughters what was ok and what was not in terms of safety. Worst case scenario I was not listened to re contact (it did happen mostly like that initially) but I flagged up concerns.
Then something happened thankfully not as major as it could have. Me and children now being listened to more. I’ve already got a separate home where the kids feel safe.
on top of this lots of prayer as well which stopped me going completely mad with it all.
i don’t think us women should be limited because of what we think the ex/family court will push us into re contact.
we can still stand up for our kids if the risk is too high and I think that can be better than hanging on when risks are very high. I think it is only something each person will know though, when it is fine to stay and when you need to go.

Does your dh know that you have a path where if x happens you leave? I think he needs to know how seriously you are taking this. He is definitely head in sand and 20 years from now when his son has been in jail for a decade but that doesn’t make his victims less dead/ permanently damaged will be far too late for him to realise he should have done more.

He is not going to hurt her on a horse. There will be riding instructors there. Riding school ponies are bombproof.

My guess is that he doesn't want to be excluded and excluding him will make his behaviour worse.

However, the logistics are looking increasingly difficult. OP doesn't seem to have sorted this with the riding school. I'm beginning to think that the boys will have to have a separate lesson. They will just have to watch and meet the horses at this lesson and maybe have their own lesson for one of their birthdays. I used to love meeting the horses in the stable yard.