I don't want my stepson at my 3 year old's birthday treat

[Mindsamess]

I know that the title is a bit click-baity, but that's the jist of it.

I have 2 stepchildren that live with us full time. I also have a 2, almost 3 year old. Her birthday is coming up and she was showing no interest in a party so I planned to take her and her 4 year old sister horse riding instead as she is obsessed with horses and it will be the first time she is old enough to ride them at the local stables.
I told DH and he said I would also have to book my 9 year old stepson as he hasn't ridden horses before either. The girls have a great relationship with him and I do a lot with the three of them together so that's fine and I booked them all in for the day of her birthday. Now my 14 year old DSS says he wants to come and DH has said I should also book him in. Here's my issue, DSS14 is awful to his siblings at times, he is basically a bully and tries to control and domineering his younger siblings. Aside from that- we had issues with DD2 hitting and biting and scratching and nothing we did was stopping it, then 2 weeks ago I heard DSS14 whispering to DD2, DSS9 was there and said loudly to DD2, "no, you don't do that, don't do what he's telling you", and I asked what was being said and it turned out that DSS14 was telling DD2 that if anyone ever upsets her she should hit or bite or scratch them. Since then DD2 has told me and my parents on separate occasions that DSS14 tells her bad things and when asked what she said he tells her to hit mummy or to hurt other people.
DH spoke to DSS but didn't give any kind of consequences, he accepted DSS's explanation that he was trying to teach her how to defend herself and telling her to hit back if someone hit her first (that's not what he said and not his place to teach her).

Since I've booked it DSS14 keeps going on about how he can't wait to go and how he'll be better at it than all the others. I feel like not only should his recent behaviour with DD2 mean he doesn't go, but I know that he isn't interested in it being her birthday and the day will just become all about him (this very often happens, it affects family days out, birthdays, celebrations). As the youngest, DD2 has spent her life falling in with everyone else's routine and life, I feel like this one day could and should be about her for a change.

Exactly you can’t leave only one child out. Thats cruel

It doesn't seem like it was a great idea to start this family.

Why? People start families every day.

DH would have to take a day off work, maybe you can schedule it for then?
I only suggest this because DH has already promised the older kids. It would be wrong for you to now tell them there’s no trip. That’s setting you up to be the bad guy. DH needs to tell the older ones he can’t keep his promise or take a day off work so he can.

So you are now having to book 3 lots of individual riding lessons as your 2 youngest can prob go at the same time, the first boy will go at a second time and the eldest boy at a 3rd time - not much of a special birthday treat is it for the birthday child if all the siblings and step siblings get riding lessons too.

I don't know anything about horse riding but wouldn't the 14 year old (and maybe 9 year old) be on bigger horses than the girls?
Would they even be together at the lesson?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon
The birthday child is 2 going on 3
She is hardly going to understand the significant of her birthday.

He wasn't telling her if anyone hurts or bullies you, you can defend yourself, he was telling her if anyone makes you sad or upsets you then you can hit, scratch or bite them, so what's the outcome of that going to be for a 2 year old. And also telling her to hit me.

Can you swing it as they can't manage a large mixed age group due to ratios / older boy needing a bigger pony so he needs to go at the weekend with dad, separately.

Maybe throw him a bone and let him go first to suit his ego and give the littlies time alone.

Separately though, are you all in counselling to resolve the bigger issues?

Can you take an easier way out and book it for when the older kids are at school? Obviously this doesn’t solve DSS14’s behaviour nor your DH’s attitude, but at least means the eldest won’t get to spoil this particular birthday treat.

Aaah your SS sounds similar to my SS12.

If DH isn’t coming to horse rides then no I would not be taking SS. And I would happily take my SD9 with our two kids. DH understands that SS’ behaviour means I do not get left in situations where I am parenting/supervising him.

I would say SS can come if DH comes. Otherwise no can do.

Also, I hope your DH is organising, or has done, counselling/therapy for your SS as sounds like he needs it.

It seems incredibly mean and unfair to only take 3 out of 4 siblings.
It might turn out that DSS14 loves animals and is calmed by the horses… you never know. Or just make it clear only well-behaved children will be allowed to ride.

I would say you can take 2 or all 4, but not 3
And if only the youngest 2 go, your husband should then take his 2 on another day

Ideally all 4 go, for the bonding

If your husband is adding more and more children for you to supervise, he should be coming along to help. Otherwise, it's just the original 2 children and you.

Just rearrange it for a day when your husband can be there.

this is a good idea but your dh had promised them all horseriding so book the younger two in for a school day and book the boys in at the weekend with their father.

do you work?

DH needs to come and be responsible for supervising the older 2 and ensuring that you get to enjoy the experience with the birthday girl.

I would have genuinely thought that the stables wouldn't let one adult take all 4 children together anyone. Surely the younger 2 on little ponies would be on one track and need an adult, while the older 2 would ride bigger horses on a bigger track and need a different adult with them?

Just take the girls for the birthday treat. Tell DH to book to take the boys separately when he next has a day off work.

You won't be punishing or leaving out one child. That is just the sensible way to do things. It's just not reasonable to expect you to be in charge of 4 children and 4 ponies/horses. If DH is so adamant all the kids should experience riding he can put some effort in himself rather than trying to order you about.

Can't stand bossy men.

This is crazy. As a mum of teenagers, they would be mortified going along to something like this.

I would call their bluff. Book a session for everyone. Maybe you’ll all enjoy it.

All children, even teenagers, want to be good and to feel that others know that they are.

every child wants to feel loved, even when they are at their most unpleasant.

They won’t be perfect - and they will make mistakes, but if you give some love and trust, it will come back to you.

Are the younger children always invited to the eldests birthday celebrations?

I don't think DSS should have been involved in the conversation at all because it will be a massive sting of rejection to him if he doesn't go now. It sounds like there could be a back story where he has already experienced some rejection in his life and I would want to include him in any way I could if it were me, but I'd certainly be demanding DH take the day off work to supervise at least 2 children from a safety point of view. Children act like children and animals act like animals, there's always a risk with these things.

I think it is 1 or 4, i.e. either take DD for a treat on her own or take the lot.

I can fully understand why you do not want older SS there. It must be a nightmare dealing with his underhand behaviour at the best of times.

Or if the dad's dead. That's one of the comments on here!
These kids might have been through a lot-I get you don't want to say more because you say it's outing, OP, but hurt people hurt people, as the saying goes. His behaviour is not ok, and you both maybe need to talk about getting him some help/therapy, but not letting him go to the party is going to make things far worse-not only will he feel more left out and resentful to you, it'll spoil his relationship with the others. Make your DH watch him closely.
So many people say blended families are difficult, and some people have done therapy and said it's helped.

Adding more children to a family where an older child has serious behavioural issues is just asking for constant stress

Summarise the bullshit and just tell him he can’t come. Why even bother worrying. Have a bit about yourself or suck it up.

No I wouldn’t take him and let him ruin it for the little ones. Actions have consequences. It’s hard with him living there but I’d try to make sure he’s not alone with them either, as PP said he sounds like a sociopath

Is DH going ? That’s a big age range to manage alone ?

he needs to come and manage oldest that’s the only way it can work.