I don't want my stepson at my 3 year old's birthday treat

[Mindsamess]

I know that the title is a bit click-baity, but that's the jist of it.

I have 2 stepchildren that live with us full time. I also have a 2, almost 3 year old. Her birthday is coming up and she was showing no interest in a party so I planned to take her and her 4 year old sister horse riding instead as she is obsessed with horses and it will be the first time she is old enough to ride them at the local stables.
I told DH and he said I would also have to book my 9 year old stepson as he hasn't ridden horses before either. The girls have a great relationship with him and I do a lot with the three of them together so that's fine and I booked them all in for the day of her birthday. Now my 14 year old DSS says he wants to come and DH has said I should also book him in. Here's my issue, DSS14 is awful to his siblings at times, he is basically a bully and tries to control and domineering his younger siblings. Aside from that- we had issues with DD2 hitting and biting and scratching and nothing we did was stopping it, then 2 weeks ago I heard DSS14 whispering to DD2, DSS9 was there and said loudly to DD2, "no, you don't do that, don't do what he's telling you", and I asked what was being said and it turned out that DSS14 was telling DD2 that if anyone ever upsets her she should hit or bite or scratch them. Since then DD2 has told me and my parents on separate occasions that DSS14 tells her bad things and when asked what she said he tells her to hit mummy or to hurt other people.
DH spoke to DSS but didn't give any kind of consequences, he accepted DSS's explanation that he was trying to teach her how to defend herself and telling her to hit back if someone hit her first (that's not what he said and not his place to teach her).

Since I've booked it DSS14 keeps going on about how he can't wait to go and how he'll be better at it than all the others. I feel like not only should his recent behaviour with DD2 mean he doesn't go, but I know that he isn't interested in it being her birthday and the day will just become all about him (this very often happens, it affects family days out, birthdays, celebrations). As the youngest, DD2 has spent her life falling in with everyone else's routine and life, I feel like this one day could and should be about her for a change.

Why the fuck would a 14 year old boy want to go to a horse riding party for a 3 year old girl??

Sorry if a daft question: are the 2 girls both yours and your husbands, and the two boys are both your husbands kids but not yours?

I think that you should tell dh that he needs to be there too if you're now expected to take both boys, so he will either need to take time off work or you'll have to go with the boys another time, because it's all of a sudden got much bigger than you wanted and you can't trust dss14 not to dominate and ruin his little sisters day.

I think you should stand up for yourself. He's not your boss.

Are the stables fully aware of the age range, number of children, and fact that you will only have one adult?

one no riding activity we have ever done would the 14 year old be able to do the same thing as the little ones. It is different horses and different areas. You can’t be in two or possibly three places at once.

If DH wants all his DC to go then he goes too.

I am assuming there may be some trauma involved with DSS, with his behaviour. Is he getting any help with that?

Is he autistic?

personally i dont think horse riding sounds a good idea for oldest dss or birthday girl
if shes been hitting scratching etc. if he can be mean and struggles with friends

As for youngest it maybe nothing or from the dss but that behaviour is common in asd. Perhaps dad is autistic?
i mean most here can see its odd party with 14yo horde riding with 3yo.

YANBU to not want him to go due to his behaviour and attitude.

However, you would be unreasonable to exclude him if all his siblings are attending.

I assume he has issues due to his childhood? Something has obviously happened with (or to) his mum to make him and his brother live full time with dad. Then dad meets and moves in a new woman and has 2 more children.

What action is your husband taking to tackle his trauma and behaviour?

Nope I wouldn't leave one of the children out it's not right...I feel for that kid and never treat my step children any different to my own, it's not there fault the family mix messes them up and tbh your dh needs to look how he acts first and communicates as the older child should have good role models to follow... wouldn't suprise me older actually feels very left out and the only way to get attention it to play up which is a usual method but with love and communication and time can be dealt with because I guarantee you will get similar issues when your own become teens aswell

You have a problem that is far bigger than who gets to go horse riding.

You need to give your H an ultimatum.
He finds a psychologist to assess and treat DSS or you separate.

The DSS presents a danger to the little girls. What has been reported here of his behaviour is setting off all kinds of alarm bells. Do not rule out the possibility of SA down the line.

If husband came along this would address everything. Why can't it be scheduled so he's available. It's his daughter here isn't it?

I feel it's unfair on you and sense you're dumped on by your husband. I refuse to use the term DH when talking about most these men on here.

I also see the problems the stepson has. Your reaction is human and understandable. It's not right though this family set up. Stepson needs intense input from this dad of his. He needs counselling. You need support, you need to not be dumped on. Something more is urgently needed here in what you call a family. If the stepson needs are too much for you to accommodate so he isn't rejected ( I understood your feelings btw), then what additional input can you both as adults involve to address this problem that will only grow.

I would push back strongly on your husband re the above. You need to be there husband to enable stepson to come and be managed / supported. Son also needs some outside input. Husband needs to pull thumb out of his srse also.

I'm a mum ( birth mum) who could relate from the other side of this dynamic.

You actual arse…the dh could have lost his first wife for starters. For seconds who the fuck are you to judge how many parents it too many

Agree ref neuro divergent flags here

I think you should go with your gut on this one! DH has to go with you if the older boys want to be there too. Otherwise the birthday girl will have her treat spoilt! Telling her to hurt you is a huge red flag, and definitely not normal. Sounds as if DH needs to spend more time with his son (his mum's obviously not around & that's gonna really hurt him) plus (if appropriate) get him some therapy!

Even if there is an excellent reason, rather than just an excuse, why you can't take all 4, he may well be hurt from being excluded. 14 year olds' brains are often more emotional than rational. It's a famously difficult but usually finite phase.

I can see the temptation to do it without him, but I think he might mature into nicer behaviour quicker if you keep the door open and avoid giving him reasons to feel rejected.

I would suggest moving the treat to a day their dad can do, and taking all of them.

Stand ur ground and don't let him go. You know what's best for your child. Actions have consequences and if he's been a bully and nasty to younger kids why on earth should he be invited.

And send DH to do something brilliantly good fun with the 14 year old that he's so keen for u to include

What was happening with the 14 year old while his dad is at work and you’re off having fun with the other three children? It’s pretty shit to leave him by himself whatever the activity, does he not get to celebrate his siblings birthday too?

His behaviour is a separate issue, can you really not see why a young teenager, whose parents have split, who doesn’t see his mum and now has two much younger siblings and an unrelated adult parenting him might be struggling and acting out?

Your husband sounds a bit crap. The oldest boy is obviously struggling with some issues and your husband isn’t really stepping up to parent him or his other children. What a mess. I feel for all the kids in these messed up families.

Can you re adjust the timings of the rides?

Have the girls in the morning and two hours later, the boys.

Then they all ride but the nasty 14 year old is not with the young ones for at least two hours.

Ask DH to do some other adventure with the boys while the girls have their ride.

Do you show this level of hate towards SS14? If he’s picking up that you clearly don’t like him, would explain why he’d say about you upsetting the 2yo and encouraging her to react to that.

Ultimately, I don’t think you can leave one child out. You say it’s a consequence of his actions but time has passed now so he won’t make the link. It’ll just be another way he’s singled out. You either take all 4 or just the birthday girl.

Really? I have three DC and they all get to join in each other’s birthday fun. It’s a treat for each child because the activity planned is something they specifically would want to do and the other two tag along.

You chose to create a blended family and that means you have to deal with the consequences. You can’t leave one child out because you don’t like their behaviour. It’s up to the adults to deal with the behaviour. You might not like how your DH deals with the behaviour, but then you have a choice to leave the family. You don’t start bullying a teenager in his own family, and exclusion is bullying.

For a kid that has always struggled and you say he’s jealous of younger ones
only take 3 out of 4 kids is incredibly hurtful and just kind of reinforces you don’t want him
give him even more reasons to feel jealous and rejected
then you wonder why you have problems with him

“Don’t be silly DSS, you’re 14, this activity is for the toddlers. If you want to go horse riding, then your dad or I will take you separately or you can go with some friends.”

So you’ll leave the 14 year old home alone, whilst you take the other three horse riding and his DF is working?

That’s very harsh IMO.

One thing if his DF is there but just all walking out of the house and leaving him, not so sure.

The elder children have clearly suffered trauma, you say DSS has always been jealous of other children, mauve because they had the stable home he hasn’t?