I don't want my stepson at my 3 year old's birthday treat

[Mindsamess]

I know that the title is a bit click-baity, but that's the jist of it.

I have 2 stepchildren that live with us full time. I also have a 2, almost 3 year old. Her birthday is coming up and she was showing no interest in a party so I planned to take her and her 4 year old sister horse riding instead as she is obsessed with horses and it will be the first time she is old enough to ride them at the local stables.
I told DH and he said I would also have to book my 9 year old stepson as he hasn't ridden horses before either. The girls have a great relationship with him and I do a lot with the three of them together so that's fine and I booked them all in for the day of her birthday. Now my 14 year old DSS says he wants to come and DH has said I should also book him in. Here's my issue, DSS14 is awful to his siblings at times, he is basically a bully and tries to control and domineering his younger siblings. Aside from that- we had issues with DD2 hitting and biting and scratching and nothing we did was stopping it, then 2 weeks ago I heard DSS14 whispering to DD2, DSS9 was there and said loudly to DD2, "no, you don't do that, don't do what he's telling you", and I asked what was being said and it turned out that DSS14 was telling DD2 that if anyone ever upsets her she should hit or bite or scratch them. Since then DD2 has told me and my parents on separate occasions that DSS14 tells her bad things and when asked what she said he tells her to hit mummy or to hurt other people.
DH spoke to DSS but didn't give any kind of consequences, he accepted DSS's explanation that he was trying to teach her how to defend herself and telling her to hit back if someone hit her first (that's not what he said and not his place to teach her).

Since I've booked it DSS14 keeps going on about how he can't wait to go and how he'll be better at it than all the others. I feel like not only should his recent behaviour with DD2 mean he doesn't go, but I know that he isn't interested in it being her birthday and the day will just become all about him (this very often happens, it affects family days out, birthdays, celebrations). As the youngest, DD2 has spent her life falling in with everyone else's routine and life, I feel like this one day could and should be about her for a change.

@Mindsamess Just read your update. Chilling. SS14 has serious problems- I would be worried that he might wind up seriously hurting/killing his siblings. He needs psychiatric care asap.

Don't bring the 14yr old for the birthday horse riding session..it will be all about him. Your little girl deserves the attention so bring the younger kids only. Arrange to bring them all at a later stage.

It's worse than that. Have you read OPs update?

improvement, but still things happen (like him saying those things to my DD and 2 months ago he gave his younger brother a black eye and chipped a bit of bone around his eye socket by throwing a rock at him, both boys say this was a game but the game was DSS9 standing there while DSS14 stood at a distance throwing rocks at him which obviously isn't normal) so it's not enough for me to feel completely comfortable with leaving him alone around the younger kids. DH has his head in the sand to the reality of DSS's behaviour.

Yeah.

He's invited now so unless he does something dire between now and then, things aren't going to get better by excluding him.

I'm saying this as the youngest of a family of four where my elder half siblings were estranged from their abusive father. My sister went off the rails and is NC with her parents.

You've got to seriously work on how the two of you balance the needs of the teens and the toddlers here OP. You're essentially the FT mum of this boy now, whether you like it or not.

Could you get DH to take older boy the day before or day after. Could legitimately claim that he is adult size and needs a different lesson.
Have a birthday tea after DH gets home from work so he can sit on his son.
Maybe have a family conference to talk about things like hitting and hurting. Bring it in to the open, say we don’t do whispering and secrets, say we don’t do hurting.
Get older boy some help, he has obviously been through a lot.

I think the horse riding is the least of your problems. From your posts I worry about the safety of the 3 younger children around the oldest DSS.

he is very jealous of them and him whispering in DDs ears about using violence in inappropriate situations needs to be stopped, now. Is she at nursery? If so I’m sure it doesn’t go down well, her attacking her little friends all the time, as advised by big brother?

re: the rock game, your youngest DSS could’ve been blinded! Does DH know exactly what happened??

you need to stop taking orders from DH and start doing something, as this is all going to go seriously wrong if no intervention. DH needs to step up as DSS is badly affected childhood trauma and is constantly lashing out. He needs professional help and guidance

@Calendulaariapoease ignore, my comment was half a response to something else and half not so makes no sense 😂I’d started an earlier reply to someone else and not deleted it

That sounds like a good compromise OP. It would be impossible for one adult to look after both sets of children who have different needs and expectations for the day. Horses are quite powerful animals, they can get startled & kick so supervising a bunch of little ones will take up your attention already.

Think of the 9 year old though, he may be disappointed if he was looking forward to the day and now he has to go with his older bullying brother instead. Your dh really needs to step up here & parent his 2 boys, but it seems have become your problem to resolve. What are you going to do about that?

I think he needs therapy, I know you have written he has refused but if his school have offered then that show’s how concerning his behaviours are. He enjoyed causing issues and is cruel, I would honestly not leave him alone with the younger children ever.

Trauma can play out with difficult behaviours but you need to understand how serious his behaviour is. My younger half sister was like this, very cruel and took delight in the pain of others, no proof but she has been involved with criminals and has probably taken part herself. She also took delight in killing insects and snails and had a fascination of fire, she set fire to the rug in the house once. The things she has done to family members over the years sounds quite unbelievable. After our Mother died we all cut her off. Reading about him reminded me of her immediately.

Your older SS threw a rock at his brother that chipped a bone in his eye socket? And you stayed? Oh op. This lad sounds really disturbed and needs urgent help. And while I feel for him, he is ruining the other kids childhoods (and potentially hurting them). Your DH does indeed seem to be part of the problem. Your poor daughters. If I was you I’d be taking your daughters and moving out before worse happens.

You really are under-reacting to the behaviour of your SS. The incident where he broke a bone in your 9 year olds face is horrific. Your other children are in danger from him. He needs to see an adolescent Psychiatrist and I would be arranging this ASAP. Many work with CAHMS and can urgently refer into the service after an initial assessment.

“No one ever asks a woman why her children live with her”

Because it’s the norm. Hence why people have asked why they live full time with dad - not the norm.

So he’s envious and insecure. This doesn’t come from nowhere.

How much 1:1 time does he get from a) his dad, b) you, c) his mum.

You can label him a sociopath and write him off, or you can work with a professional to get to the bottom of his behaviours.

For those saying that I am under-reacting or need to do more about DDS's behaviour, I would genuinely like advice on what they suggest I do.

Currently I try not to leave his siblings alone with him, previously I avoided leaving them alone but tried to be in hearing distance (for example with the whispering about hitting incident I was outside the bedroom they were in sorting washing hence how I heard it), now I don't even allow the girls to be alone in a room with him at all. I try to discourage DSS9 from being alone with him, I try to do this subtly though by suggesting tasks or activities that stop them being alone, it is more difficult with DSS9 though because he wants to hang out with his older brother even though he also gets upset at all the things he says and does to him. He tells me DSS14 calls him fat and ugly and tells him he has no friends (none of which is true anyway). I worry for DSS9 the most as I find it hardest to protect him and he is also the one who gets it the worst.

I agree with everyone commenting on DH's parenting of this, it's piss-poor, but that's why I don't trust him to protect the kids if I'm not around otherwise I would be leaving in order to keep them away from it.

Any time a situation occurs I contact the school and let them know to ensure that there is a record of it. He behaves very very differently in school though so they don't see that side of him. This worries me more though as it makes it clear that he can control it and does when in certain circumstances. It sounds awful but he often reminds me of the boy in Adolescence that no one had a clue about because of how he behaved around everyone else. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who really sees it or takes it seriously.

Tell Dh there are no more places left, or that this particular session is for under 10s only.

@Mindsamess what would you do if oldest DSS played the rock game with your DDs?

If your oldest DSS’s behaviour was apparent when you first got with his dad there is no way I would have added more DC to the mix (and I would feel the same if this was not a blended family) Then add in a partner who likes to give orders. This sounds like a recipe for disaster for your DDs, they are very vulnerable, from emotional if not physical harm.

It wasn't like this when we got together, he would just get very jealous of other people and would get visibly upset and jealous if anyone nice happened to anyone else, for example if someone won an award at school he would come home being really annoyed about it and complain about the person ans tell you everything that was wrong with the person. I remember him being annoyed one time that my parents were going on holiday and being visibly pleased and smiling when he found out that they had to cancel their holiday due to something with my dad's work.

Things happened since we got together involving their mum, this happened immediately after the birth of our 2nd so I didn't know pre-children and now DSS has opened up to me and told me of more that went on beforehand (not SA but clear neglect from their mum), which definitely exacerbated things but there has always been an underlying attitude of feelings of jealousy.

To be honest I think if he did that game with my DDs I would be leaving and contacting SW or the police and getting some kind of legal order in place to ensure he is never alone with them. I have sought legal advice and advice from women's aid regarding his behaviour and how I could protect the kids from it if I leave and was told that right now it's not likely that I would be able to get anything legal in place to ensure they aren't alone with him.

I would tell dh until he steps up and gets dss some much needed help (therapy, anything) that he’s no longer welcome when you take your children out. Your dh seems like a shitty dad whose contributed to dss behaviour, to ignore those sort of issues is also neglect.

The birthday riding - dss 14 should not go because you don’t feel you can manage all of the children in your own. It’s simple. If he was a helpful teenager it might be different. At that age my DD would have loved the treat but also have been an extra pair of hands for me.

There is a bigger issue here though. Dss is a child and the behaviours he is displaying haven’t just come from nowhere - as parents you and DH need to get him the right support that he needs. That doesn’t mean that there are no consequences for things that he does - it’s ok that he knows you won’t be taking him because you can’t be sure he will behave and it’s too much for you on your own to manage. But it’s not ok to continue to observe these behaviours and not try to help him.

Developmental trauma is very complex and really hard to make sense of because it’s hard to separate out what’s behavioural and what’s developmental and often there’s both in the mix. You’re not going to help him without decent professional help.

In your shoes I’d start with your GP and a referral to CAMHS, they will have specialists very used to working with traumatised children. You need to talk about his early trauma and the impact you’re seeing now - because the behavioural stuff will be rooted in trauma. This isn’t something school counselling can deal with and I’d not go down that route. There will be a waiting list for CAMHS and they’ll try to say he doesn’t meet the criteria. You need to be very open with them about his experiences and very insistent.

In the meantime he needs help with self esteem, self regulation and relationships. Trauma leaves young people feeling unsafe, all the time, everywhere because it happens at a time when they are learning how relationships work and what “safe” means in relationships, so they get a skewed sense of safety. So anything you can do, with his dad, to reinforce physical, emotional and psychological safety is important. When kids feel unsafe they lash out, which may be why you’re seeing what you’re seeing.

It’s a real job of work parenting traumatised kids, and so much of it is counterintuitive to how you’d normally parent. While he isn’t adopted, many of the processing and behavioural stuff will look the same and needs the same kind of approach. So clear, consistent boundaries but held lovingly without shaming the child, an explicit recognition of his trauma and that that has left his mark, that isn’t his fault and you need to be able to work together. Lots of time just doing stuff, keeping him close when things go wrong.

Do some reading, really educate yourself about the impact of early trauma and what helps.

Sorry but you are a blended family so yes you should invite /book all to go horse riding, he probably feels jealous because he can sense being left out! I can see it just by your post,
I have a blended family and you have to treat all the same or it won't work,you also have the right to discipline them as as you are a main parent too,
I do feel for your ds's though as I feel they can see a divide

I think it will be hard to supervise three young children of 3,4 & 9 horse riding for the first time, having done it with my own. You’ll need to focus on their safety as well as their enjoyment. Maybe take the two girls and let your DH take the two boys another day. Or reschedule it for when your DH can also come with you.
Doesn't your DH want to see his sons experience this ?

Your DSD14 appears to be sociopathic/ narcissistic and will only get worse as he grows up if you don’t address his issues now. Leaving him out will only feed his insecurities and he already appears to be a narcissistic sibling to your other three children. At 14 he is much older and will be able to manipulate them, you are seeing signs of this already. Of course his issues may stem from the issues around his mother which only you know but your DH should be putting the work in with him , sounds like he needs some help.

Yes. My mind went to the Jamie Bulger murderers once the throwing stones at DSS2’s face “game” was mentioned. These children aren’t safe in the home with DSS1.

I’d also say, having seen your most recent post, don’t underestimate the impact of neglect. It completely screws a child sense of worth, belonging and value. They can never trust that their most basic needs will be met and they adapt to try and survive, and yes jealousy is part of that because at a very deep level they aren’t sure they’ll have what they need - even when you’re actively meeting their needs. So being glad something was cancelled or spoiled for someone else is usually, because it makes the world right again and makes them not alone in being disappointed. Acting up when something is going well is usual because everything being good is too scary a feeling to hold, because they’re just waiting for the shoe to drop, so they pre-empt it. It’s a horrible way to process the world, so while the parenting is very hard, remember that his experience of the world is very frightening and very uncertain.

This is really helpful but would I or DH be able to speak to the GP about this if DSS refuses to go? Would I be able to do it myself as one of his main carers (I tend to deal with school and dr appointments due to DH's working hours) or does it need to be DH as the parent?