I don't want my stepson at my 3 year old's birthday treat

[Mindsamess]

I know that the title is a bit click-baity, but that's the jist of it.

I have 2 stepchildren that live with us full time. I also have a 2, almost 3 year old. Her birthday is coming up and she was showing no interest in a party so I planned to take her and her 4 year old sister horse riding instead as she is obsessed with horses and it will be the first time she is old enough to ride them at the local stables.
I told DH and he said I would also have to book my 9 year old stepson as he hasn't ridden horses before either. The girls have a great relationship with him and I do a lot with the three of them together so that's fine and I booked them all in for the day of her birthday. Now my 14 year old DSS says he wants to come and DH has said I should also book him in. Here's my issue, DSS14 is awful to his siblings at times, he is basically a bully and tries to control and domineering his younger siblings. Aside from that- we had issues with DD2 hitting and biting and scratching and nothing we did was stopping it, then 2 weeks ago I heard DSS14 whispering to DD2, DSS9 was there and said loudly to DD2, "no, you don't do that, don't do what he's telling you", and I asked what was being said and it turned out that DSS14 was telling DD2 that if anyone ever upsets her she should hit or bite or scratch them. Since then DD2 has told me and my parents on separate occasions that DSS14 tells her bad things and when asked what she said he tells her to hit mummy or to hurt other people.
DH spoke to DSS but didn't give any kind of consequences, he accepted DSS's explanation that he was trying to teach her how to defend herself and telling her to hit back if someone hit her first (that's not what he said and not his place to teach her).

Since I've booked it DSS14 keeps going on about how he can't wait to go and how he'll be better at it than all the others. I feel like not only should his recent behaviour with DD2 mean he doesn't go, but I know that he isn't interested in it being her birthday and the day will just become all about him (this very often happens, it affects family days out, birthdays, celebrations). As the youngest, DD2 has spent her life falling in with everyone else's routine and life, I feel like this one day could and should be about her for a change.

Realistically, that’s too many children to safely supervise around horses. Even a 3 & 4 year old is a lot. Not everyone has to do everything just because the others do. Mine are full siblings and they don’t necessarily get to come along to the others birthday treats. We often do things individually where the other stays at home. How about your Dh takes the day off and does something one to one with his son? It sounds like he’s crying out for some attention and time with his dad.

Let DH take his boys separately.

This was my first thought. You said he takes great pleasure in hurting his siblings. What's to stop him causing an accident when theyre on the horses? Its very odd that a 14 year old boy wants to go riding with his 3 year old sister. I would also say, as a psychologist, that his behaviour is very concerning and you need professional input. You need to be thinking in terms of getting urgent professional help for your SS and protecting your two daughters.

This hits the nail on the head. This is a DH issue.

I would be cautious of taking DSS with you at all.

Off topic, but I started taking DC and DSC riding. STBXH then wouldn’t let DC ride without DSC so they only got to ride EOW.

Ironically, we won’t take them at all now we’ve split (despite my offer to pay) so DC go EOW and DSC not at all.

If DSS is jealous and not there EOW, your DH may feel the same.

I’d say to dh there are serious behaviour issues here, and you are pretending there aren’t. I will not take all 4 of them out on my own on any occasion until you step up and really address the issue. You need to in front of all of them say these are things we never do- hit and bite. We never do them when others annoy us and we never do them when others bump into us and we never do them when others make us sad. If anyone does these they will be in trouble. If anyone tells you to do these things you should come tell adults, you will not get in trouble. And if anyone tells other people to do these things there will be consequences. Then he can tell dss privately that these are the first set of consequences - he will absolutely not be going horse riding because the attitude he’s shown is not fair on dd2.
dh needs to find him some support too.

these would be my rules, because 14 is physically challenging to confront and your dh needs to throw his energy into addressing this before his family are unsafe.

We have a step son and he spends alternate weekends , we don’t have behaviour issues with him however he accepts it when he’s told he can’t come to our daughters party because he’s not there on that weekend or if he is he has been taught from an early age there’s a big age gap and sometimes people have different interests . I would be saying to your partner no he’s not coming and that’s it and explain why your partner can either like it or accept it and if it’s his son he can tell him why he can’t come but also tell him what behaviour is acceptable and sometimes he does things one to one which your daughter doesn’t get to do

There's no reason for them not to be all in a lesson together as they're all non riders so would be doing the same thing. Which would be being led round on placid horses learning the absolute basics of sitting etc and steering. Their age is irrelevant ☺️

I've woken up to a lot of messages so I won't reply to them all individually.

I'm going to ignore the comments about how DH and I shouldn't have had children, I've never seen anyone comment on the general parenting topic telling someone who is struggling with their 14 year old's behaviour that they shouldn't have had any more children many years after having the 14 year old.

DSS does not have autism, nor does DH, however both have experienced childhood trauma which I know affects their attitudes, however in different ways.

To the person saying that I obviously hate DSS, this couldn't be further from the truth. His school are aware and he has been offered counselling and therapy many times, by the school and us, but refuses it. I am actually the person that he speaks to about things and he comes to me to open up about the things that have happened to him. He has been doing this more and more recently and I try my best to support him with it. However at the same time I am very aware of the impact of his behaviour on his siblings and I am often on high alert to it to try to shield them from it. I have only written about what he said to DD because the post is in relation to her birthday but far more and worse has happened in the past to the point that I have very seriously considered leaving due to DSS's behaviour and DH's lack of dealing with it (he does at times but is very inconsistent with it, he usually only addresses it if he's there when it happens). I ultimately decided not to leave because then I can't protect the younger three from it as I wouldn't always be there. Saying that, over time there has been improvement, but still things happen (like him saying those things to my DD and 2 months ago he gave his younger brother a black eye and chipped a bit of bone around his eye socket by throwing a rock at him, both boys say this was a game but the game was DSS9 standing there while DSS14 stood at a distance throwing rocks at him which obviously isn't normal) so it's not enough for me to feel completely comfortable with leaving him alone around the younger kids. DH has his head in the sand to the reality of DSS's behaviour. I know this is the classic mumsnet DH problem.

I didn't think it would be a huge deal DSS being left out as due to his age he often chooses to do his own thing instead of joining in with family days out nowadays, he did used to join in but the last 6 months will choose to go meet a friend or go something else instead. I can get how it might feel worse for him though, DD2 has asked for her cousin who is 3 to come too so I am going to suggest that I take the 3 little ones for DD's birthday as they will all be on similar sized horses and a similar group, and that we book both DSSs in to go together another day. To be fair this wouldn't be unreasonable for our family as DDs don't tend to go on DSSs birthday outings as they often do things that are above the age limit for them to join, it would also mean that DH could take them and gives them that time together which I think is good for them.

Where did you work that out from! 2 have a different mum from the other 2, no other combinations

Tell dh to take the boys separately. To many kids to supervise around horses it’s not safe. Your eyes need to be on the 3 & 4 year old, so easy for one of them to run behind a horse and get kicked.

Like you’d ask that the other way he’s not adding anything, that’s the full family

Your update is a lovely compromise and really thoughtful. It will keep everyone happy and your D will have a lovely birthday treat.
you sound like a lovely mum and step mum. It’s really tough especially when you need to unpick trauma when juggling family life.

It sounds like this situation is caused indirectly by your DHs inability to parent his children. I think you are both under reacting to SS1 behaviour and SS2 disclosures and it results in a problem like this. I too think it i was unreasonable to plan to take 3 children and leave one out. I would make changes going forward that DH needs to parent his own children. Due to SS1 behaviour I would refuse to be the adult in charge of him, ever, and when he is present DH needs to be too in order to parent him. When DH said you needed to take SS2 to horseriding, the answer was no, because then 1 is left out. If SS 9 comes, SS14 must be asked and it means you need to be prepared to come too. I agree SS1 needs serious help as well as his father’s attention and you should talk to you DH to ensure he gets it.

inaccurate

Just to add my 2p regarding the set up of how the horse riding lessons would probably go from someone who's ridden horses for over 30 years ...... They would more than likely be in the same group lesson together. They wouldn't need 4 instructors as someone commented as that's ridiculous. They would have 1 instructor and 1 person leading each pony (not a parent competent assistant possibly a teenage horse savvy person who helps at the yard). There's no reason why they couldn't go in a lesson together as they would be doing absolute basic stuff for 30 mins and they are all at the same level experience wise, their age is irrelevant. The cost that was mentioned is a huge factor potentially starting 4 kids riding at once at a riding school will be VERY expensive so just bare that in mind when taking them all that if they want to carry on it will be costly! You're probably looking at around £30 for a group lesson to continue on and more for private lessons. I pay £50 for 45 minutes on my own horse for a lesson with a competent dressage instructor at my yard.

As for your SS behaviour if he behaves this way then is it appropriate to expose innocent animals to potential torment? When he's on board and can kick and pull and inflict pain? Just a thought since you're worried about him enjoying seeing others in pain I think you said?

@Mindsamess Reschedule the whole thing and go when Dad can be there.

@Mindsamess So you take the three youngest and DH take his older son separetely whenever he's got the time.

Why would you bring this sociopath who will likely ruin everything? Tell him and dh that due to his behaviour you are not bringing him at this point. Actions have consequences.

Protect your daughters! I would seriously be looking in to separating because your girls are clearly not safe around him. Bring manipulated and subjected to bullying from a 10+ older sibling is very damaging. Blended families are complicated at best but this is just an abusive setup.

Why should the boys go first when it is one of the girls’ birthday?

More likely that majority of kids live with mum and dad is low contact or completely absent I would guess
its definitely not the norm for 50:50 when mum and dad split

Tell your hubby to let you know when he's off work and you can all go then, as you're not keen on trying to supervise 4 kids alone around horses. The 14 year old seems to have some serious issues and sounds as though he needs help. After all, a normal 14 year old would be with friends, not hanging about younger siblings and his step mother. Plus from what you've said about things he's said to his younger siblings he's not to be trusted.

Have you had a proper chat with the eldest?i mean calm and caring(which I know would be hard given the situation) sounds like he's jealous of the younger two, maybe feels in the background. If DH isn't going to support, take DSS for a milkshake/walk and tell him you want to talk. Figure him out and try to improve relationships all round. Teens may find it difficult to talk so you may not get much of a response to start but baby steps.
If he ends up riding, tell him its a special day and he needs to make it all about the younger children. Any messing around from him, give him one warning and then get him off the horse and he waits in the car.

This is not so much about the riding lesson, but in general, I'd start priming your 2 girls with the messages that they never, EVER have secrets from you and if anybody ever tells them things are a secret just between them, they must tell you. He sounds a horror and a bully, and they are so much younger than him, potentially vulnerable. And don't let your husband prioritise his 2 over your 2, girls get enough messages in this world that they should be placating men, being 'less than', not rocking the boat, being nice etc... teach them they are as important as anybody and they don't take second place to the older boys.

Also I wouldn’t rationalise that you are protecting your children by staying in the family unit. I can see your logic, but you really need to listen to your gut feeling about the safety of your daughters. If you stay and they are harmed (because you can’t prevent every risk when you are in the family home) the message to them is that you have decided that this amount of harm is ok for them.
its a hard road to split but you will be clearly showing your daughters that you are prioritising their safety. You would likely need to speak up for them if it goes to court but don’t assume that your concerns about risk won’t be heard.
it’s great that you are supporting everyone including ss1 but I think this situation looks dangerous while he is refusing therapy for his behaviour.

Cancel the 9 year old going and tell your dh to book a separate day to take his sons together. Sometimes you need to separate things to retain calm. As long as overall nobody misses out it’s fine to do it on different days