I feel ungrateful, and want to cry.

[Homebirdy]

That’s it really. I keep feeling overwhelmingly upset. In reality I have a great life. Mortgaged, husband, children. But we aren’t that financially comfortable. DH works the best and most he can and has a pretty good career and I work part time, due to burn out I had to quit full time hours.

I can’t get my mind away from all of these things I want most, if not all are very materialistic:
New Sofa
Family Dog
Re-carpet the lounge
better furniture
nicer house (one day)
better car
good quality, well fitting clothes (I’m short with a very large bust and nothing fits me nicely or well, and I can’t afford a tailor)
More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)

I know how it sounds, and I know I sound ungrateful. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

I find it really hard to just, enjoy what I do have.. which I know is a lot and some of the most important things. I just genuinely feel like when I get towards the end of my life I’m going to be gutted about what I didn’t achieve, more than what I did.

I know that sounds totally depressing I just needed to vent and put it somewhere.

You 'downsized' your cars to one and saved 1k a month? Interesting. Could you not do the same with your house and the mortgage you cannot afford to pay?

You've got your health and your family and you are lucky enough to be able to work part time. Wake up and appreciate all this and stop obsessing about what you would like to have in addition to ALL this!

This. Always wanting more, is causing a lot of people untold stress.

Op I get it, I wish we had more money so things were just 'easier' but what helps me is looking at the people who do have the material stuff I'd like and seeing how they live to achieve it. I have a lot of friends who have a lot more money than me but they work longer hours. My husband and I both work, he works full time and does a job that starts early and ends a bit earlier than most. He could have a better paid job and we would be richer - BUT he is home when the kids get in from school. He works his a*se off and often does overtime in the early hours, all to allow him to be around his kids more, thats what is important to us. I work part time to allow me to do school runs. I could work full time, and when my youngest starts senior school I probably will, but at the moment, my priority is being there for all the school stuff, dtop offs and pick ups, school events etc. These things my friends often cannot do because they work more. Their kids are in breakfast/after school clubs and they miss a lot of stuff. That's not to say I'm better at all, their kids enjoy the clubs and have more stuff, more holidays, trips out etc so they get great family memories and experiences, but just to say, very few people have it all. I wouldn't trade with my friends, I doubt they would trade with me. You just have to decide what matters more to you and accept there will be a trade off. Maybe later, when you are feeling stronger and the kids needs are less, you can up your work then and buy all the stuff. That's how I'm thinking of it anyway

When you are in this disatisfied state thinking other people who have less doesn't work somehow.

We all have what we deem important and to the next person it might not matter.I think you could benefit from speaking to a therapist for support and you could get a few sessions free on the nhs.Please refer yourself to mind or speak to your gp.

Please be kind to yourself and know that not all fingers are equal there will always be someone better off and worse off than you.

OP I empathise but have some suggestions for you.

Firstly do you follow any fashion or home interiors people on social media?

If yes, stop. I'd you can't stop doing social media maybe follow gratitude accounts / frugality accounts instead.

Dogs are so so expensive, they are also a bind. A few people I know have v reactive, anxious dogs they can no longer really take on enjoyable walks.

Secondly, realise the irony in this as I find it on social media but this book / account may be helpful for you to follow

https://www.instagram.com/p/DZIWhcMinSu/?igsh=aGhhNng2Y3RoOGdq

www.orionbooks.co.uk/titles/anna-kilpatrick/not-needing-new/9781398726345/

I'm not sure about the benefits of visualizing your DC in an accident (a clumsy way of telling you to count your blessings), but I do highly recommend coming to terms with your own death.

Best case scenario, how many decades have you got left?
What do you think the purpose of life is? Do you believe in any kind of god or afterlife? What do you think makes a 'good life well lived'?

These are the kinds of questions that will help with your materialism, and possibly also your mental health.
I can tell you now, the purpose of life is NOT to have a beautifully furnished home.

Have you thought of learning sewing and trying to alter your own clothes?
Or take up gardening - that is good for the soul.
Or take up a volunteering role that makes you feel like you are giving, rather than getting: giving makes you feel better than getting.

As for the dog giving 'substance' to a walk - you must realise that many millions of people love walking in nature without needing a dog.
Learn to identify wild flowers or tree species.
Learn to read an OS map and explore the footpath network.
Take photographs of the views and trees and flowers - get good at photography.

I agree. Dogs cost money. Mine costs 100 per month in food, insurance, worming , etc

True.

OP I am 61 and the main income earner.
I work “part time”.. as a GP but it’s actually full time and more. My income is a lot less than you would imagine .
We have an older home which drastically needs more money to upgrade ..but we need to save at this time of our life so that will never happen.
After a very unexpected inheritance we managed to finally pay mortgage and I updated my12 year old Ford Fiesta about 2 years ago.
To afford holidays I work extra hrs at urgent care centre and put money aside… I am very very fortunate to be able to do that.
i grew up in real poverty .. not enough clothes, not enough blankets in winter. My mums; spent her life in and out psych care , my father drank and smoked himself to death.
I have never ever bought a new sofa .. too expensive.
All our furniture ..except our bed is second hand . .. I actually really like mid century Danish and English furniture .. it’s far far better made, timeless and in the UK can be bought for a song!
I love clothes and style .. but an awful lot my wardrobe is second hand.
I don’t how on earth we will retire .. where I live there is no pension scheme.
i don’t know your age but life changes
If your mortgage is new and you have children that’s almost impossible financially.
It will get better but you have a home and people to love.
Buy blankets and throws cheaply sale .. I love those tho k second hand 100% wool blankets from years ago.. warm and lots mixed colours look great.
Buy rugs
Get candles and soft lamps ..very lovely at night, especially in winter.
I really really wish you well.. I don’t mean to sound sanctimonious but I have also remembered that a lot peoples lifestyle is funded by a lot debt!

If it makes you feel any better, it took us TWENTY YEARS to be able to get a new sitting room carpet. We couldn't afford it before that and I HATED that green carpet we had.
Try to enjoy the smaller things in life if you can; my mum had lots of fun putting together things like Golden shredless marmalade and lemon sherbets for her friend's Golden wedding and my daugter has just done the same for us with silver things for our silver wedding - see if you can have fun with planning something like that so that you can think about something else. Good luck!

I do find that people who grew up with 'less' in their childhood are more bothered about 'stuff' when they are grown up.
Completely understandable of course. People who felt 'secure' during childhood tend to inherently know that possessions don't necessarily bring happiness, it's more about where they put their time and energy.

It's also not about having loads of disposable cash - more about spending time at the beach or the woods, having a picnic, going for a walk / jog. There's lots of evidence & data to show that nature & being outside improves mental health.

If you have young DC, I would delay buying any nice furniture /carpet right now, that's the same for getting a puppy / young dog, however, I would be looking at facebook marketplace. We got 2 sofas for £90 that we had when the DC were young, had them for about 8 years, they were great.

Come off Insta / Social media. Stop comparing. It's so destructive following lifestyle influencers

This is true. Many people are in debt and their lifestyles give a false impression of what is actually affordable, so everybody else thinks they are missing out.

I think so many people don’t understand debt now, firstly you need to earn enough ro get the credit in the first place ns secondly you need to be able to service it. Yes a small minority co have significant debt, but really in the main people work. Buy things etc and any debt they have is serviceable

As others have said, others don't just get these things! On your death bed (sorry to be blunt) do you think your last thought will be,I wish I had got that new sofa?
Focus on your kids, mine now grown, are my absolute greatest achievement, they all went to uni, got great degrees and settled in well paid jobs, and contribute positively to society. That has taken 30 plus years, I still need a new sofa but wouldn't be proud of it like I am of my kids. I think you wanting material things is due to some other dissatisfaction in your life, try to work out what that is? 💐

I really want a new kitchen but I’m so shocked at how expensive they are . Like I’ve a good job and so does my husband but it would be a massive thing to buy that and would have to sacrifice holidays etc . bathroom is starting to look really shabby too from wear and tear with the kids . How the hell do people afford these things . I remember back in the 90s/00s my parents getting a new kitchen and a new bathroom a couple of times . It seemed to be much more affordable back then to be able to keep a house fresh and new

💯

I think a lot of people work for those things op.

Thanks @bafta16, I'm just done with not knowing how to do things (re: the camper, fixing clothing etc), so I'm doing what I can do to learn the basics. I'm learning from forums, friends, youtube. Not saying that I'll be a pro, but at least getting a bit of know how is always a good thing. [If I won the jackpot, then great, I'd buy a house (with more than one bathroom - hey I have a teen and a tween!) outright, cut my FT job down to one short shift a week (to keep my NMC PIN going) and then take courses in mechanics and welding.] I'm lucky to live in an area where it's easy for my youngest to walk to her school, and I could cycle/walk/take my moped to work (or use the camper when it's tip top enough to be a daily drive). It's just under 5miles to work.

A lot is mindset - I see people I know on FB putting up lovely pics of a glossy magazine type lifestyle, but the real world doesn't work like that. Everyone has their daily slogs and troubles. My DN lives in a MASSIVE house, looks like she's been dressed from the pages of Vogue, doesn't need to work, goes on lovely overseas hols/weekends away, has spa weekends away etc etc. She puts up beautiful curated pics on SM of her and her family. Good for her, I wish her well. The floor squarage (not sure of correct word) of my place wouldn't take up a fifth of her place. I could beat myself up about that...but I know that my job (NHS nurse) is probably more secure than her DH's job (she told me that herself - he's self-employed, owns a small company), and that I can afford to run this place on my salary alone, if I'm careful. And I'm very lucky to have the health and ability to be able to work and support myself/the DC. FWIW, @Homebirdy, some people would probably have a fit looking at my place: it's small, cramped, the decor is tired and mismatched, but it's clean, warm, welcoming, and safe :) DC have their friends coming and going a lot, there's plenty of food for people - that's the stuff to look at :)

Hell, when I was pregnant with my eldest, I had (the frankly stupid) idea of having white wool carpets put into my flat. They were expensive, so I canned that idea and went for decent laminate flooring that I could fit myself (and got furniture from freecycle or charity shops). Two weeks later, I thanked the Gods I had done that, as my friend's kid tipped Ribena all over my floor!

It's a case of looking at the basics and then anything else on top of that is a bonus. I came to UK at 10yrs old from the ME (Iraq) at the start of GW1, so the fact that me/my DC are safe, healthy, sheltered and not hungry means the world.

You don't need a dog, I'm not anti-dog, but they'll cost a small fortune in the long-term, vets bills, insurance, etc

I'm sorry, I'm normally sympathetic, certainly to people who don't want to spend their whole lives in some meaningless job making someone else money, but this is insane.

Rampant consumerism has a lot to answer for. You will not be any happier with a new sofa or a nicer carpet.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It really is a mind set.
Sometimes I get down about my situation and I've had a hard few years but god forgive me there are always those who have it harder. And everyone has it hard. You can look at someone who looks like they have it all but they have crap in their lives too.
No matter how much you have you'll wish for this or that, and all the things you list are very materialistic and are actually quite achievable, though if you get a family dog you might as well forget about the other things on the list!

We'd all like more materialistic stuff. If we all spent less time online we'd probably feel a lot better about what we do have but this is the reality of modern life. Do something for yourself this weekend and be kind to yourself.

I've got teens now and I make a big effort to show how I deal with situations that don't go my way as I am really conscious of being a positive role model, showing resilience and acknowledging that I can make mistakes, things can go wrong but it's never the end of the world. We can always climb back up and out.

I'm a sauna convert - if there's one near you, book a sauna for an hour, alternate the sauna with cold water dunks and your body and mind will feel great after it, it's really healthy and really cheap and there's every shape, size and age there so no need for body consciousness.

Second hand sewing machine and night classes, learn to tailor your own clothes. Who knows, if you are good at it you might be able to do alterations as a side hustle.

You want perfection and that is mythical. If your carpet looks grungy then the best thing you could do is to edit the photos.
When you have an illness or disability it can be very challenging accepting the limitations of the illness.
speak to the doctor if you are getting depressed because depression tends to go with disability.
Finally , no one will ever remember you for the carpet or furnishings. Doing something pleasant like a trip to the cinema or out for coffee gives you something to look forwards to and to enjoy with friends or family!