I feel ungrateful, and want to cry.

[Homebirdy]

That’s it really. I keep feeling overwhelmingly upset. In reality I have a great life. Mortgaged, husband, children. But we aren’t that financially comfortable. DH works the best and most he can and has a pretty good career and I work part time, due to burn out I had to quit full time hours.

I can’t get my mind away from all of these things I want most, if not all are very materialistic:
New Sofa
Family Dog
Re-carpet the lounge
better furniture
nicer house (one day)
better car
good quality, well fitting clothes (I’m short with a very large bust and nothing fits me nicely or well, and I can’t afford a tailor)
More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)

I know how it sounds, and I know I sound ungrateful. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

I find it really hard to just, enjoy what I do have.. which I know is a lot and some of the most important things. I just genuinely feel like when I get towards the end of my life I’m going to be gutted about what I didn’t achieve, more than what I did.

I know that sounds totally depressing I just needed to vent and put it somewhere.

my list of things i wish i could buy but cant :

a side gate so our house is secure

therapy for my 13 year old ebsr daughter who is home alone every day ( also making home security even mire vital )

holiday - never had one since 13 year old was born

home tutoring for EBSR asd child

Play therapy for second child ( suspect asd also )

taps fixed
bed base is currently help up with boxes
new glasses for me and kids
dentistry for me and kids
vax carpet cleaner fir all the stains and old carpet
ripped kitchen lino

i could go on …

If working full time was bad for your mental health can you change jobs? A full time job in a different industry? Part time but better paid job? Set up your own business?

I've struggled with my mental health in 2 jobs I've had as I don't cope well with the stress. It's job specific though, I've managed just fine in other jobs. What industry are you in? Could you switch to full time lower stress? I was very happy working in a cafe years ago, very low stress, nothing every carried over from one day to the next (i cannot stand never ending to do lists!)

I also feel like saving are very important for being able to afford all the things you've mentioned. Even if you change nothing else start saving money each month. It allows you to pay bills in full which saves money in the long term. Ever since I was about 20 I've managed to pay car insurance, furniture purchases, holidays etc without any finance due to savings. I've quit my job to travel and be a sahm in the past and have taken a career break to travel twice over the years too. It gives you a lot more flexibility and I feel like that's what gives me financial stability :)

Oh yes and come off your phone/ iPad etc as much as possible because I’ll bet you’ve got hundreds of algorithms tapping into this which won’t be helping at all.

So edit the marks out with an app

Oh and get off social media

or curate your algorithm to show you only gaza and charities working in developing countries

It’s hard to accept, but you need to think differently about your life when you can’t work, or can’t work more hours.

Remember you have a lovely husband & kids, and you own your own home, something that is only a dream for many. I know that new furniture, cars etc have never come easily for me. When I moved into my first flat more than 30 years ago, pretty much everything except the bed was second hand. I still can’t have the best of everything but I have enough to get by. I can’t work now and finally accept I can’t have all I want.

Are you comparing your life to others, eg Instagram? You might think others have easily achieved that lifestyle, but you don’t know the background. They could be in hock up to their eyeballs!

When you find yourself feeling jealous, or wishing for more, try to think of something, or someone , great you already have. The change has to come from you.

it sounds like you’re pretty low OP if you’re focusing so much on the things you don’t have! What about a bit of volunteering in an organisation that works with marginalised people? It could be a good stepping stone to going back to work full time (if that’s your goal) and it will get you out of your current bubble and you’ll meet a lot of people much less fortunate than yourself which might help you to develop a healthier mindset/outlook/sense of gratitude.

None of these things come for free. If you want these things, then you’ll have to work for them. If you can’t go back to full time, then you’ll have to accept you won’t have these things. Why should the onus be on your husband having a better paid job which is what your post implies.

I imagine once you have all these new things, then you’ll just want the next new thing and it will be an endless list of wants.

I am understanding of mental health but you can’t have everything. As someone else said, we all make choices and yes life can be unfair, but try and count your blessings and be grateful for what you do have.

Remember there are plenty of people who have a lot, and plenty who don’t. Life is not equal.
There are plenty of people who pretend they have a lot. But borrow heavily to get it. So don’t really own it. Which is why buy now pay later is so popular. They are in debt here there and everywhere.
Value what you do have.

Those things are not normal. I want a new sofa, and need a new arm chair. Really need. It is stained from a coffee accident from visitor and despite me cleaning it, it embarrassingly looks like I’ve had an unpleasant accident 🥴. Sofa is 15 years old, too low for most of my visitors now as were all getting on, and bottom is definately collapsing, I can probably afford the arm chair towards end of year if I buy at a store that offers 0% interest loan and I have saved the deposit

other new furniture? Yep like that too, I generally buy second hand and do it up or ikea and bling it up. But only what I need

new car- mine is 11 years old.

better house? I divorced after 31 years of marriage, had to leave my dream house. Didn’t expect to get divorced at that stage of my life.

im not “poor”. Have a decent private pension, savings etc. but I just can’t go out and buy anything I want.

I budget meticulously. I know my needs. I can meet those relatively well. My “wants” are prioritised and saved for. Slowly. Sometimes I never get to them as unexpected needs, like my recent roof repair, write off those savings I’ve made for wants

the more you focus on wants, thinking about them, day dreaming, the more you will get fed up . Prioritise the wants. Come up with saving plans on how you will afford the top priority first and when. Work towards that.

id also say why not use this as motivation to work more hours. Maybe not in your main job, maybe a second job that isn’t so stressful….reducing your hours permanently isn’t ever going to help you in longer term. You need concrete plan to get back into work full time. If you think you’re struggling now, you will definately struggle more in retirement, women’s pension poverty is horrendous because so many end up part time or not working for years. Think hard before you just give up on idea of full time work. You will only make this feeling worse. What if your spouse was to loose his job or gets sick ? It puts a huge pressure on them…not good for any marriage. I know, I was sole breadwinner for years.

I also agree you’re too focussed on material things.

I’m late 50s and don’t have any of those things. But I’ve had, and still have, a wonderful life. Wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel so blessed I’m healthy, have wonderful friends and family, have travelled the world and still do, love music, dancing, art etc.

A few tips:

• Get off social media: it sells materialistic lies and makes you greedy/dissatisfied for ‘stuff’
• Make a gratitude list every morning/evening of what you’ve been grateful for over the past 24hrs: health (of you and loved ones), clean water, food, peace, seeing the sun set etc.
• Enjoy nature: stand at your back door, window and go for a walk every day and really take in what a beautiful world we live in: the sky, trees, birds, the seasons coming and going - grow plants, especially herbs and veggies to eat - it’s so satisfying - my back yard is paved so I grow in pots
• Read: all the classics and more: helps with MH and understanding what’s important in life: totally free if you use your library (which we should all be grateful for and support)
• Music: explore as many genres and types as you can - it lifts your mood - 70s disco, early NY hip hop, Afrobeat, flamenco, rock n roll, blues, folk…BBC Radio 6 Music is a great way to explore what you like - go to the odd local gig
• Hang out with people you love and make you laugh - laughter is so important in life - worth a million dollars - yet (like all the best things in life) totally free
• Embrace your local community - chat to and help out neighbours, join a local project, e.g. Cinnamon Trust that organises help to walk people’s dogs for them when they’re too unwell/infirm, if you love dogs
• Organise one thing to look forward to each season: a family day out, cheap weekend away if you can afford, art exhibition and lunch with a friend
• If you want stuff to brighten your home, get second hand via Gumtree, Marketplace, charity shops or Vinted: a beautiful rug and sofa for your living room, clothes. Stops perfectly good stuff going to landfill.
• For your clothes, separates are the way to go. A 50s vibe if you have bigger boobs: Bardot tops which show your shoulders rather than cleavage, paired with capri pants.

The way I look at it, when we’re on our deathbeds, and our lives flash before us, we won’t think of the living room carpet. It’ll be people, places, sunshine, moonlight, good times, boogie… 😉

Funny how people talk about mental health, it's just health really isn't it?
@pimplebum I can't afford a dentist either, sympathies

Look the reality is that most people have to work to afford things. If your husband is not an uber high earner and you work part time you’ll have to make sacrifices and not get a new sofas etc.
if you want all these things both people will have to work full time and try to make choices to increase earning potential.
that’s it 🤷‍♀️
ww like to be able to afford nice things so we make a choice to work full time and long ours at that.

people who have family money or I don’t know live in cheaper locations or fully paid properties may have other options but most people don’t

Vent away I understand and hear you. Covid absolutely fucked us as DH was a contractor and self employed. He had been doing it a few years. We had moved to a much bigger house with an increased mortgage and overnight his work just stopped. We had to take two mortgage holidays so our mortgage now is absolutely eye watering. He also took a bounce back loan which is still being paid off at £500pm. We recently completed reviewed our finances, together we earn £100k plus but like you big purchases and holidays are not possible. We downsized our cars to one and saved nearly £1k a month. I have just changed my mindset and am grateful we got through it all. I have a child off to Uni so that is my next worry as although we are income rich on paper this doesn’t translate into surplus so it will be the minimum loans for them. We are all entitled to feel a moment of woe is me and then time to move on.

Eh? I’ve never once expected my DH to do more than he already is, please tell me which of my posts says anything like this?

No OP, other people don’t just get things. Money is needed for all the things on your list. You earn it or you don’t. I’m knackered. If I had “burn out “ my fridge would be empty, never mind new carpets. We all do what we have to do. If you can only work part time there’s a payoff for that.

It sounds to me like you’re trying to fill something in yourself and you’re seeing material things as the way to do that because there’s a want of some kind of want/frustration that you don’t know how else to fill it. I think this is more about dissatisfaction about your life in general, maybe feeling stuck, aimless and unfulfilled. I think it’s normal to feel like this sometimes. Having certain things can be a way of feeling like things are moving forward somehow but then there’s always the next thing to not have and want so it can be a bit of a vicious circle.
But the things you mention could be achieved to some extent in economical ways- they are not impossible. Eg sofa- have a look on Vinted/freecycle; dog- try borrowmy doggy for a bit, carpet change- you can cheap stick on tiles/faux laminate and can get a rug. Furniture- Vinted/freecycle. Clothes- get a free stylist appointment at a big department store and tell them your budget, once you get advice you can buy some bits there over time or once you know what works on Vinted etc.
I sometimes feel like these kind of things are impossible to achieve because it all feels so hard, but once you do one thing, the ball gets rolling.

I also think you should reflect further on what might bring you joy or motivation etc. Do a free course online to learn something new. Go to new places. Take up a new hobby. I say this as a menopausal woman who is frustrated that she no longer operates in the way she used to and is trying to find ways to move forward. Good luck x

What?!

I second this… WHAT?! 🧐👀 you can’t align that kind of information in here and not explain yourself..

I’m trying to think of a nice way to reply but struggling with wording. You don’t sound ungrateful, you sound childish. Crying because you want a new sofa but can’t afford one.
I am currently sat in a sofa I got for free, that I can’t get stains out of (messy toddler) I am constantly cleaning it. I can’t afford a new or second hand sofa.

Are you having any therapy? You can feel sad you don’t have unlimited money, I do. But don’t cry about the fact. That isn’t normal. It shouldn’t be affecting you this much.

Sorry OP... have you not seen the many threads of people struggling to keep up with the cost of living, making hard choices when doing their food shop? Choosing between heating and eating. Who are these 'normal people' that just 'get' those things you are pining over? Most families have to make careful balanced financial choices to get the things they need or they go without. Your reason for a new carpet? So it looks good in photos. You are suffering burnout from work and want to add a dog to your load - it doesn't make sense.

For me, gratitude is something I have to practice. This is super cheesy but I love doing it - look around you and think of three things you’re grateful for. Write them down and do this daily. It takes time but it does change your mindset. I always manage to think of three brand new things every day.
focusing on material things will only bring you down- there is always someone with more than you have and there will always be more stuff you don’t have.

Don't get a dog if you can't afford hefty vet fess and I mean any do, rescue or otherwise!

When people are struggling ,sometimes they think "more" will help.
It doesn't

OP seriously, have a word with yourself (or have a word with your GP about your mental health).

Yes of course you can want things and need to vent, but being overwhelmingly upset most of the time over material 'extras' seems very extreme.

Maybe doing some volunteering with people who haven't got all the things you have would give you some perspective.

Your life could be so much shitter!