AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Agree completely.

So what if op thought the comment was crass or that it was technically wrong?

Is this how you would react to any other guest making a crass or erroneous comment as your guest?

All this talk of "my house, my sheets, my food" makes me wonder if you lord it over your dh or resent him or think less of him because he is after all in an undisclosed outting percentage of YOUR house.

Exactly this. I expect we will get more drips until everyone is agreeing with the OP and calling the SD all the names under the sun.

I think it's probably okish to make tasteless jokes of that kind within the bio family but you're obviously on thin ice with second marriages, step siblings etc.

There's a reason so many famous plots turn on these issues.

I joke with my Mum that she’s spending my inheritance, it’s a joke and she knows that I would rather she spent it all to make her life happier and nicer then stash it away in the hope that I get some.
Neither of my parents inherited anything from their parents as they were essentially pretty poor farm labourers, I’ve pointed out to them that they’ve done well without that leg up and I don’t want it.
It sounds like it was a joke that fell flat, in part because you don’t have a particularly good relationship with your DSD, but to be fair she said it to her Dad not you.
I would have laughed it off and replied that she shouldn’t get her hopes up.
She would have then either asked why and at the point I would suggest she ask her Dad about his financial information because it’s not something that you feel comfortable sharing, or more likely she would have let it go and the meal would have been progressed without drama.
You can’t ban her from staying in your home, whatever percentage your DH owns of the house, it is his home and should be allowed to have his children stay.
What you can do is refuse to play hostess and say to you DH that he’ll need to cook, make things ready etc
Given how this visit has played out it’s unlikely she will want to stay again but if she does you simply go about your usual routine/look after yourself and leave your DH to sort out everything else.

Thanks for confirming my point.

In England, if you’re married and you leave nothing (or only a small amount of your estate) to your spouse, they can contest it on your death under the inheritance act, so all these people who are convinced they can leave everything to their kids and nothing to their spouse need to be careful! This is why it can be a bad idea for people to remarry if they are the wealthier party.

Argh. She sounds like a drip tbh. And so grasping.

Hopefully it'll teach her a lesson in manners, but I won't hold my breath.

Still you've said your piece, best draw a line under the whole affair and as others have said, let DH take care of preparing for her visits, hosting and dealing with the aftermath (by which I mean tidying up).

Also, just by the by, I’m in my 30s now, but even in my 20s I’d never have made a joke that crass. Apart from being pretty mean-spirited, you really are tempting the fates with that one.

My brother and I are expected to inherit our parents’ house, but you’d be naive not to factor in the possibility that it may eventually need to be sold to cover care costs if one or both of them were to develop dementia or another serious condition.

DSS said her piece and you said yours. I don’t think any of that matters. All that counts is what legal documents say. Do you hold the marital home as joint tenants or tenants in common or is it solely in the name of you or DH . Depending on this questions may arise if she is going to inherit half of the house is it on the death of DH? Or will you have a life interest until your death when 50% of value will then pass to her. Once you know all of this decide if you are happy with the way matters sit. If you are then ignore her rude comments. If you are not take it up with DH to have the matter rectified. She may have even done you a favour highlighting the situation. Golden rule. Don’t get angry, get even.

Yep. SD has been consistently crass and OP has done her level best to ride above SD's undermining ways for 7 years.
OP has had the patience of a saint trying to maintain a warm relationship in the face of such rude behaviour.

How could she have known this ? She just made a normal joke. You sound as though you detest her, and resent her being in her father’s home.
Not really the moment for your husband to explain that actually very little of the house would be passed on to her, he should have done that years ago, when you moved in together.
I think you are being incredibly unkind and aggressive over a joke, that she couldn’t have known was based on a misconception. You were the rude one, not your step daughter. So petty and unnecessary. I think you should apologise and try and smooth things over, she certainly won’t be feeling very welcome in your house any longer. Maybe you could mark out the exact percentage of the house that will pass on to her, and allow her to sit there ?

Is your DSD correct is she going to inherit half your and your DH house when he dies ?
Or will she inherit a share of your home when you both die?
Or is she mistaken and she is not inheriting any portion of your home on your/your husbands death?

Well, she’s not wrong is she?

of your partner posted he’d be told you’re married so half the house is his. In fact he’d be told to either never move in without being on the deeds, or not to worry as being married means it’s half his anyway.

i think she was clumsy, but you going on about “my” house and how you paid for it is really unfair on your husband. It’s his home, and his house too

of your partner posted he’d be told you’re married so half the house is his. In fact he’d be told to either never move in without being on the deeds, or not to worry as being married means it’s half his anyway.

i think she was clumsy, but you going on about “my” house and how you paid for it is really unfair on your husband. It’s his home, and his house too

Well done on you calling her up in her comments. Your DH should have shut her down. But I wouldn’t be saying she can’t stay again, though I’d not be putting all that effort in - does your DH not help out at all with housework? Tell him next time she comes he had to make up the guest room etc.

I'm unclear why you had my post deleted. You're unashamedly sexist.
Go and find the broverse.

Really sorry but you have really over reacted. It was just a joke. I would have joked back and said well we are going to live to be a 120. Lol. You treat her as a guest. She is not a guest she is family. Shocked when you say washing sheets ect, you speak like she is a burden not your husbands daughter.

I agree.
The courts can be very unpredictable.
My friends sister moved a loser in for a decade.
He never contributed a penny to her house, nor lifted a finger.
When she found out he was having an affair she locked him out.
He found a solicitor who took his case.
Despite not one inch of proof, her solicitor advised her to pay him off to get rid of him as it would cost her either way.

I believe the courts could look at an old man and his daughter needing housing and put aside an agreement.

This is why sensible women put their children first and don't risk their assets.

OP is clearly happy to risk her assets to chance.

I wouldn't dream of doing it to my children.

Best thing OP should do is rethink this marriage and pay him his share.

Let him give that to his daughter for a drpozit and he can move in with her.

You can leave a life interest but ultimately the house/estate goes to the OPs children.

It is one thing to refer to your own spouse as your "current" spouse. That's a joke between spouses.

Quite another to refer to your dad's wife as his current wife. That's a dig.

Oh don't worry I won't be giving them any money!

I can hear shouting from upstairs where DH is making the call. I'm guessing it's not gone well.

I know right?! Like who gives a shit on here!!

A life interest doesn’t prevent a claim being made under the inheritance act if reasonable provision for the surviving spouse hasn’t been made. There’s a general rule that spouses are not expected to be worse off on death than divorce.