AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

"half of it will be mine one day" surely she meant she'll get her dad's half when he dies. (She may get her Dad's share, which is nowhere near half)

So she is not insulting you OP, she is waiting for her own father to die!

No it will be a 1/3 as I have 2 brothers😉

I think you have a chip on your shoulder

I wish you had said, "How do you mean?" in a puzzled voice, and waited for her to dig a bigger hole.

Given you know and DH knows she won’t be getting anywhere close to half, I think it was an overreaction on your part because it’s simply not true.

You sound like hard word and your dislike for her is obvious. You make it very clear that her father has less money than you and this is very important for everyone to know. I don’t doubt she actually is tolerating you as you so she can spend time with her dad as you suspect.

Stepmums always get a bad rap on here with comments like oh you sound jealous of her , you’re just the bitter step mum.

i would probably have bitten back if she always made little digs at me like you have said she has done, that just rude and unkind of her.

however when she made that comment about half of it will all be mine I would have told her that her dad doesn’t even own half of it so she certainly won’t be owning anywhere near half of it! And then laughed!

But if you go first and you've left it to your husband it will be hers (all of it potentially!) if you don't have children or family of your own to leave your portion to.

I'd be writing in the Donkey sanctuary as a beneficiary sharpish 😂

Yeah, I'm never getting married again if dh and I split. Keep all this shit. What a nightmare.

Why are you married to this loser?
Why complicate your assets by bringing a loser into your childrens lives?

He has clearly led her to believe a complete lie.

Why do you behave like the house skivvy?
In a house you have mostly paid for?

I feel really sorry for your children.
Why so desperate to marry a man who allows his child to be so unpleasant to you?

You have let your children down IMO.

God knows what she might claim from you when you have been finished being his nurse with a purse.

Or what if you die first, will your children have to wait until he goes?

His daughter could move in and tie your childrens inheritance up for years.

It happens, more than you think.

She has clearly shown you she doesn't like you, and where her head is at.

You need to wake up and get him off the morgage and protect your childrens inheritance.

He can pay for an Air BnB next time she comes.

The op has two children.

I thought you really overreacted at first but in the context of all these really rather unpleasant digs, no you didn't.

She honestly sounds quite nasty, at least towards you. Even if she didn't much like you, these digs are not the way any really civilized person acts.

She poked once too often - I don't blame you for exploding.

Does she secretly want you to split up from her father?

I know where your coming from
my house is mine ( and will go to my DS ) with DH having the right to live in it till he dies

one of his kids said similar ( that I was spending his child’s inheritance) I asked how that was possible seeing the house is 100 percent mine and will go to my son

needless to say he really wasn’t happy about this as I think he thought the house was 50 -50 and my sons already inherited from both sets of his grandparents so wouldn’t need to inherit again

I have a watertight will made up and my son and my DH both know where it is and how to get it and they both know what’s in my will

@BetLynchsEyes id feel exactly like you - this is my home, bought and paid for.

That's not how it works when wills are in place. She's also already stated the information in the thread. She has 2 children.

I suspect the responses would have been quite different if you had explained in your OP that DSD has a history of nasty spiteful behaviour towards you that she dresses up as “banter” a clear bullying tactic.

No, I wouldn’t want to see her again, and if DH kicks up a fuss, he could fuck off too.

I do think you've overreacted.

I've got four adult children, they've all joked at times about their inheritance. I remind them that I'm working on spending it as quickly as I can. Then we laugh.

Some of our adult kids participated in an activity that went wrong, three thought they may die. One said all he could think was that the child not participating was going to win the 'inheritance game' and take all their shares. When they had recovered from their experience, they all laughed about this comment.

I think this is something young adults regularly make jokes about.

That said, it's up to your DH to talk to her and make sure she knows that she won't be looking at close to half, better to manage those expectations now than further down the track.

If you say she can't stay any more, it could be the downfall of your relationships so I'd advise finding a way to move past this. Maybe a conversation where you tell her why the remark hit a nerve and going forward DH sorts and washes the sheets for her visit.

Oh dear. This is not a very mature or sensible 27 year old! Not too bright either if she hasn't figured out roughly how your finances work and therefore that she needs you on side.

Oh and I hope you're not giving them any deposit money OP. You don't get to be nasty and underhanded for years and then put your hand out.

I am a stepmum and I own my house, dh owns precisely zero of it. Also legally tied up in a nice bow so in the event of separation or death he gets none of my estate.

I say this kindly, but you massively overreacted. But it appears you have become predisposed to thinking the worst of her. Her comments are at worst in poor humour but they aren't malicious.

Your issue, which is very clear from your subsequent posts, is the financial inequality with your DH. You clearly resent the fact that he hasn't got the financial backing that you have. Your posts seem more about the fact he has backed his daughter rather than you. So why exactly are you with him?

Massive overreaction

You have massively overreacted.

Is this perhaps a sensitivity for you, given… yes, your husband has priorities alongside you for his estate in future?

Are you worried he’s going to leave his estate to her rather than you?