AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Too many cracks about "the current wife" and she would be close to getting a slap.
Invite them over again and explain just what she would get and when. If your DH Passes first, statistically likely, she would have to wait until you decided to sell.

^At our wedding she said, “At least Dad got a cheaper wedding the second time round.” Then laughed and said I looked “a bit wounded.”
During the photos she said, “Do we really need this many pictures, it's s not like it’s Dad’s first wedding.”
She’s called me “the current wife” more than once, but apparently that’s “banter.”^

Do you seriously think those comments are anything but unpleasant? Delivered at the wedding? Put yourself in the OP's shoes.

Anyone can understand a stepchild being resentful, tbh. But if you're 27, making snide and unpleasant comments for years and then coming for a deposit for a new house and making yet another unpleasant comment, and then doubling down on it by getting hysterical instead of apologising - time you learned how the world worked, at the very least.

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!

Even with the updates, I still think you over reacted. What you should have said is “no it’s not, I own x% and that’ll be going to Jack and Jill” (replacing with your kids names) in the same tongue in cheek tone she used.

She needs telling now while her dads still alive what the deal is, or you’ll be wicked witch of the west while she’s grieving.

Not in the case of Nigel Havers and his deceased second wife, who had 2 sons

I think you were right to call her out on the comment, she sounds like a total arsehole. I also couldn’t be doing with the tears and pathetic behaviour. So fuck her. However if it is your marital home (irrespective of who owns more of it) it’s probably U to say she can’t come to stay again. But I’d be making clear to my husband that you won’t be skivvying about after her again and if she stays, any cooking/cleaning etc will be on him.

Some daughters can be surprisingly coquettish with their fathers. I think she was teasing him - although her comment did not really make sense if looked at closely. It was meant to be directed at him, I think, rather than designed to make you feel bad. It seems her sense of humour might be an acquired taste, or at least the sort of humour that only 'works' if the people involved feel very secure with each other and know there is underlying respect and love.
I would say too that she has been rather dropped in it by DH who should probably have made it clearer that you own most of the house. The joke, dodgy enough already, gained even more dodginess by being based on a false premise.

I think you've been extremely decent keeping all this information to yourself this long. You've spared your DH's blushes, and really he's in the wrong for not putting his own DD straight.

In your shoes I think I would have struggled to not say "actually, darling, 85% of it belongs to me and will go to my children. You'll have to ask your father what he does with his 15%". And then have got up.

And no, I absolutely would not be rolling out the red carpet in future. She's 27, not 7. She can visit her dad in her own house our outside the house if she doesn't like her dad's hospitality or if he won't show her any.

A life interest allows them to stay in their marital home for life or downsize to meet their needs. Additionally they can be left a life interest in savings and investments where they get the interest but can’t touch the core sum. In that case 5hey have been provided for life. I would be surprised if that wasn’t considered adequate provision.

Why is he shouting?

Funny about the assumptions you make when you cannot be arsed to read the thread.

Wow

Cringing for you 😆

Agree, OP, I would not be hosting her as such going forward. She sounds like a right b tbh.

As you suggest, she's welcome to come round but not to expect you to cook or clean for her. I would dial it right down.

Which is why we had legal documents drawn up when he moved in. Before we married & then a prenup when we decided to marry. This is resigned every 3 years.

As per the legal advice, this sow's there was always zero intent that he would get anything from me in the event of a divorce, therefore he is no worse off upon my death than a divorce.

As I say, my estate is fully protected and tied up in a nice little bow.

She sounds a right handful OP . Interesting to hear how she reacts when she hears that her father only owns a small percentage of the house....I think her reaction will say a lot about her. If she is angry ,money grabbing !. If she accepts the situation without rancour then perhaps she is not so bad
Others are saying you should have left it to your husband to prepare for your visit...but i understand. If I left it to my DH to prepare there would not be the little touches which make a guest welcome and that women in particular notice

whitefluffydog - OP is the majority owner of the house

Rather than go nuclear you should have just calmly pointed out “hardly dear, your df only owns 15% as I paid for the majority of this house so better check your expectations now” with a sweet smile and a swift change of convo!!

I don’t think you’re over-reacting . I’m a stepdaughter, and I’d never dream of making a comment like that to my stepmother or my parents.

Your stepdaughter isn’t a child, or an awkward teenager. She’s a grown woman in her late twenties. If she’s old enough to throw out snarky comments and ‘banter’, she’s old enough to take on board the responses without tearful histrionics. She could have just apologised for being crass , and you could have all moved on. The fact that her boyfriend was there isn’t your problem.

I don’t think banning her from her father’s home will help. In your shoes, I would just let him pick up all hosting responsibilities- cleaning, shopping, cooking, setting up the room.

Oh, ok....but when the wife dies before him, what happens? He cannot be get rid of and moves his daughter in

Hate to tell you but if you pass away first then everything will go to your husband unless you have made a will. If he then passes after everything going to him then his daughter could get the lot. Works the other way as well though as if he goes first, all will go to you then when you go it will go to your children and his daughter will get nothing unless you leave her something.

I did read the full thread, but still curious

If you're generally happy your dh and want to stay together you need to be the adult here and just back off. Yes she sounds an unpleasant pita but just be distant, leave her to it with your dh and shrug it all off. Let her stay but just be out seeing friends or whatever when she stays.

You don't like each other so stop the meals and awkward convos. It's different when kids are little and you're forced to spend time with them but she's an adult. Leave her to your dh.

That is a good point actually.

No-one wants to end up re-enacting Gianni Schicchi!