AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Good on you for saying something to the little madam.

I don't think so. OP is only stating a fact. DSS should be told of the situation, obviously not exact percentages and DSS should then be in a better position regarding her likelihood of inheriting anything from her DF.

It is cruel of her DF to keep her in ignorance so that she makes crass incorrect comments.

I think your reaction was massively over the top and you were incredibly rude in a situation where people were just making natural relaxed family conversation.

My youngest DS has talked since he was about 8 about bumping us off before DH stops work so that he gets the life assurance attached to the pension. It's just the sort of silly thing families say.

The fact that the house isn't held 50:50 is entirely irrelevant and in any event she doesn't know that.

You're supposed to be the older, wiser, more mature one and you're acting like a teenager throwing a tantrum. I'm embarrassed for you.

DSD sounds very spiteful and grabby.
Just not what one says at someone else's dinner table in someone else's house at 27 years old!
Does DH not realise he has a very stupid DD?
Have you made a Will ? - this is important although DH might object to it in court saying you hadn't provided for him - a la the case of Nigel Haver's claim against his deceased second wife's Will - which he won.

As an SD who is not liked by their SM, I get the dynamic. I think what is hard is when your parents divorce and remarry it's not the same. You can't make jokes like that because someone might take it wrong, whereas in a non-step family it's quite normal to make jokes about inheritance. It all links back to the key issue which is that your DH is a doormat who pushes all the grunt work on you, and that has poisoned the well of this stepparent relationship well before this incident happened. He should be preparing and hosting, he should be honest about the financials and also recognise he needs to step up and support you guys to communicate respectfully, but he isn't. He wants to keep everyone on side and do nothing and then you and SD go at each other while he sits like a lemming.

Funny enough I feel for my SM now. She put up with a lot. But also it felt like walking on eggshells making a joke or comment in their house so I feel for SD too

I don't know why the op has to be magnanimous if the face of somebody who plainly dislikes her setting out her intentions to benefit from her death.

Reading your updates, she is a rude entitled cow. Making these "jokes" and turning on the waterworks when she gets called out. Put her straight about the house OP, and your DH needs to have a word with her.

I think it's a massive over reaction on your part. My children have made similar jokey comments. They don't mean anything.
I don't understand why it has upset you so much unless there is more to it
Is there truth in the comment that you have never liked it?

Firstly what a great username @BetLynchsEyes!

YANBU and as an adult she should not be making any comment on your finances or her potential inheritance, it’s crass at best.

At our wedding she said, “At least Dad got a cheaper wedding the second time round.” Then laughed and said I looked “a bit wounded.”
During the photos she said, “Do we really need this many pictures, it's s not like it’s Dad’s first wedding.”
She’s called me “the current wife” more than once, but apparently that’s “banter.”
I could go one but you get the point. DH says she's always had a mean streak but deep down is a good person. He just doesn't want to rock the boat.

She's not a good person. The mean streak is what she is - mean. And he's allowing her to be mean TO OP because he doesn't want to 'rock the boat'. Fuck him. She needs to be pulled up and if he's not going to do it, then OP needs to carry on doing it herself.

And OP needs to stop doing all the hosting duties. It's his daughter staying in OP's house and being rude to her while she does all the heavy lifting. Her dad can clean her room, bathroom, and cook for her. I'd be opting out.

Yes, presumably your kids who love you, not some unwilling step dd who regards you with contempt?

It sounds like a huge over reaction from you. She made a flippant comment based on a reasonable assumption - most married couples own their house 50/50. You seem to have taken it as a challenge to your specific arrangement. Just because she says something doesn’t make it true! Honestly it would have been normal to say ‘ah you might want to talk to your dad about that’ and move on. But you turned it into a huge thing and humiliated her in front of her new partner.

I'm starting to think this is the case. This has gone on too long. I've made it clear to him he needs to set the record straight.

Everything is protected legally, in the event of divorce or death so I'm not worried. I could also give her the share in cash if it came to it. It's only a small percentage he actually owns.

Ironically they came over to ask if we could help out with a deposit for a house ask me for a house deposit more like.

He's on the phone to her now. I'm staying out of it and making a cup of tea.

Rather than losing your rag, a better response to “half of it will be mine one day.” would have been “Oh, yes? That’s what you think!”. It might have triggered a puzzled conversation with her Dad, when he could have set her straight!

Well sounds like you've been smart by laying things out properly legally and this will form part of your estate in which you can do as you wish.

In that case I would have smiled wryly and said "oh, sure, sure", and cracked on with the day.

And stop doing everything, men are quite capable of all of these things to host.

I’m amazed that so many people think the comment made by your step daughter is normal or funny.

The other comments she has made make it quite clear she is a complete arse who can dish out snide comments without any ability to be on the receiving end.

Wow. What a huge overreaction. You come across as despising your stepdaughter. I'd have just laughed knowingly like an evil stepmother laugh, and then asked your DH the next day, to explain the financial situation to her in the near future.

Bit crass of your DH to even mention paying off the mortgage though, not only does it make it sound like it was because of him, they are probably stressed about the property ladder, given they're in their late twenties!

The bedding etc is a separate issue - get your DH to step up.

where was the punch line? her fathers funeral or yours ffs

Why, when a comment goes wrong does the person fall back on "it was a joke"

It wasn't a joke it was a stupidly rude comment, she was pulled up on it and couldn't cope.

having someone talk about after youve died, is't particularly pleasant.

best thing dad could do is think about it, apologise about her crass comment

I imagine the horrified new partner ran away screaming after that!
She sounds nasty and grabby particularly after your updates - especially the nasty comment about your wedding and gleefully announcing you "looked wounded".

I get why you snapped. I also get why people are saying it was an over reaction but it was in the context of multiple spiteful comments over the years, trying to put you in your place. Resorting to hysterics rather than apologising for how her comment came across really lost her the moral high ground.

You should perhaps have responded with a sly smile and looked at your husband and said "oh dear, are you going to tell her or shall I?" Though it's always easier to think of a good answer after the event.

FGS stop bending over backwards to host her. Let her dad step up! That's on you.

As if sharing the ownership split is in any way outing! Best laugh I’ve had in years! 🤣

Well, to be fair to her, you do sound massively uptight. It’s a joke comment. When two people own a house you assume it’s 50/50. The comment wasn’t aimed at you but her dad.

Your jealousy and dislike of her shine through.

The bigger issue is your husband. He doesn’t pull his weight and hasn’t told his daughter the truth. Sounds like you might the ‘the current wife’ as she put it.

She’s called me “the current wife” more than once, but apparently that’s “banter.” @BetLynchsEyes

This is banter. It's a very popular term used by younger generations. I've seen big social media accounts refer to their OHs as their current wife/husband.
It's meant to be funny, but obviously if you're not aware of the context then you might take it the wrong way.

Yes! I sometimes joke with my mum that ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way’ – saying to my children in front of her ‘that’s you out of the inheritance’. I don’t wish my mum dead; I grieved for years when my dad died, and I can’t bear the thought of a life without my mum. I say these things to joke about the horrible, inevitable death in life. OP’s reaction is awful, and I would cry if someone thought my jokes were meant in a nasty way.

No agreement is that watertight that a court couldn't in principle over-ride it, in a case of contested inheritance or divorce. But it sounds as close as possible!

In any case a more natural assumption for many couples would be that if the husband dies, the wife inherits his share. Then it's really up to the wife (or other surviving spouse) what happens ... unless a will has specifically excluded that.

Jealousy??