AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

I get it OP. I think the assumption often is that the man in a marriage has built up the equity more than the women. Plus when you are doing most of the grunt work it really stings. But I think your DH is to blame here. He needs to be more open to his DD that she shouldn’t assume 50% of a house he doesn’t 50% own.

You clearly dislike your stepdaughter.

Everything you write about making her bed etc shows contempt. You don’t do it because you’re looking forward to her visit, it’s just a charade.

This would have been the ideal time to have a grown up conversation about inheritance but instead you threw a hissy fit.

It sounds as though there is a fair bit of history here with both your husband and step child. Are you able to buy him out now? He should’ve having an honest conversation about the asset with her because it sounds like it will kick off with probate. He should also support you and tell his daughter she needs to respect you too. Too much can be glossed over, and a lot of hurt breeding resentment having been labelled ‘just a joke’ can lead to a break down in a relationship. He needs to help navigate both the relationship and the property discussion (as crass and rude as it was) with both you and her.

Does he recognise any of her behaviours or is it a blind support from him?

Also, in the vein, have you reflected upon your reaction and have a plan on what to work on going forward? (such as, will you be happy to keep on putting up with your husband ignoring the situation, etc)

I was going to say i dont get the feeling at all that op is particularly hostile to the DD but then I remembered this is a "blended family" post on MN where the step mum, no matter what, is ALWAYS wrong. 😂

You massively over-reacted because you dislike her and are very smug that you own most of the house. If your own daughter had said it, you would have seen it for the joke it was.

Why is your husband allowed to be so useless in getting ready for guests?

Oh and the fact your DH didn’t pull her up at the time would have made me say to her but as your DH doesn’t own 50% that isn’t possible.

Why? I get that it's a drip feed, bit in this situation I think I'd be very pissed off too.

She needs to grow up. Her comment and her behaviour afterwards is immature at 27. But is she right ? What arrangements do you have for the house if DH passes before you ? I agree your DH should do more of the work to host her.

I think you’ve made a big fool of yourself. Sounds like a joke-maybe even after a drink. And why wouldn’t she be due some inheritance if her dad dies? Are you expecting it all to pass to you? I’m in a blended family and my money is 100% prioritised towards my children- not my partner - who has rightfully accumulated their own funds by our age (late 40s) and shouldn’t be relying on a payout from me.

Well given the update/drip feed I’m not sure why you didn’t tell her it’s mostly your house and so no, she won’t be getting much of it at all. Then she’d have had a reason for her sobbing but there wouldn’t be any confusion from now on. Why didn’t you? Why hasn’t he?

Why? Does it matter?

it’s not normal for people to know these things. Why should the husband be forced to tell his daughter if he doesn’t want to?

at times in my marriage I was the sole legal owner of the property- no one knew. It’s not something that you need to talk about

I don’t think the drip feed adds anything tbh. The DSD doesn’t know he doesn’t own 50% so it’s not impacted her comment at all. And it’s not her fault she doesn’t know, she’s not been told.

I think you are overreacting to her jokey comment which she made to her Dad. You seem to have taken it very personally.

Oh my god we always say this in our family 🤣

DP said it recently when his parents did up the garden “thanks cos it’ll all be mine one day”

We just laugh lol

Your drip feed just makes you sound worse.

Her joke would have been normal in my family. My parents are always making comments about my future inheritance.

I don't think the daughter was making the comment to have a serious discussion about her inheritance but as a throwaway joke. It all seems very highly strung and stressed, life is too short, you're both in each other's lives so sort it out and chill out a bit.

A few people have asked if the house/inheritance comment was out of character, no it wasn’t. This is what she does. She says something nasty, laughs, then acts like I’m uptight if I don’t find it funny.

I met her when she was 20 and I've tried and tried to be nice to her and make her feel welcome. It's just thrown back in my face. I'm just done with it now.

At our wedding she said, “At least Dad got a cheaper wedding the second time round.” Then laughed and said I looked “a bit wounded.”

During the photos she said, “Do we really need this many pictures, it's s not like it’s Dad’s first wedding.”

She’s called me “the current wife” more than once, but apparently that’s “banter.”

I could go one but you get the point. DH says she's always had a mean streak but deep down is a good person. He just doesn't want to rock the boat.

And now she’s sat in my house, eating food I cooked, saying half of it will be hers one day.

So no, I don’t think I exploded over one joke. I think I finally reacted to years of little digs dressed up as banter.

I've had a chat with DH and I've told him he needs to put her straight. I'm not having this assumption hanging over our heads. He's going to give her a call this afternoon..so we'll see how that goes. I'm not holding my breath.

I’d love to be a fly on the wall at family gatherings like this!

My family gatherings are chatting, laughing, catching up and enjoying one another’s company. Families like the OP’s would probably be bored senseless!

"Joke taken badly" isn't an excuse, when the original statement is out of order.

It sounds that many long term resentments bubbled up at the moment.

Now it's time for your DH to stop ignoring yiur feelings and calm the whole thing down.

You massively overreacted. Your stepdaughter overreacted as well but you started with the unreasonable behaviour, and you're also a fair bit older so you should really be able to control yourself better. You also sound like you have absolutely no sense of humour.

We make comments like that in my family and it doesn't mean anything. You sound very possessive of 'your' house which in reality is probably half his (apologies if I've got that wrong) so she wasn't saying anything factually incorrect.
She should be able to say things like this to her father without you getting upset or involved.
Look at the backstory. That's where the real problem lies.

Totally agree. YANBU Op x

Ah, funny that he got all defensive. Are you definitely sure he hasn't given the impression to his daughter that the house is half his?

Also, do not doing all the work for her staying. Why are you doing this?

Bloody hell, a massive, massive over reaction. Especially if she didn’t know it wasn’t 50:50.

Interesting that opinion on here is so split. I can’t for the life of me see why people think it was rude. It was a joke.

Unless she had prior knowledge of the split of the house which I presume she doesn’t it’s just a joke. Fair enough if it annoyed you, but you over reacted massively.

I actually have no idea if my dad and Stepmum own their house 50/50 I’ve never asked!