AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

i would have said you over reacted from your first post. But not after your updates which paint quite a different picture.

Tbh op i absolutely knew what sort of character she was. People who say "you took it the wrong way" then blow it all out of proportion instead of just owning their "joke" landed wrong, then cry and make themselves the victim are not very nice people at all. She embarassed herself and acted like a bratty teenager instead of a grown adult.

But honestly you could say she slapped you and on MN it would be suggested she was simply swatting a fly and your face must have got in the way 😂

Well done both of you for not acting like grownups and escalating a situation because of your feelings.

Firstly, it was a joke. Maybe not a great one, maybe not a nice one, but it was. Your reaction OP was completely over the top.

Secondly, who cares if she thinks she will inherit or whether it's YOUR house or not. It wasn't the will reading, it was a clumsy comment. Why get so worked up to make things worse.

Thirdly, sounds like the other examples you gave this is just the way she is and instead of allowing for that you doubled down and made it worse.

You aren't her mother and if she thinks you don't like her than crying was probably because she felt her feelings were hurt.

You may have also done all the prep for their visit but again who cares? She doesn't know that and if you have guests you don't hold it over them because you needed to make an effort. When your children come to stay do you resent making the bed and buying food for them?

You sound awful OP. And to make it worse, you have created a situation where she won't feel she can visit her father again any time soon. Well done.

Given that your husband only owns
a small percentage of the house I’m assuming he had a small
mortgaged property when he met you or was renting?
I think she was rude and I would have been offended too; she obvs knows you have two children but she won’t necessarily know that he hasn’t contributed 50:50 to the purchase.
This isn’t the first time she’s been unpleasant and he hasn’t pulled her up on it so I hope he has a constructive convo with her.
Agree with the pp, he should be at least changing the sheets and prepping the room when she visits.
He’s taking advantage!

Have you ever quipped that half of it will be yours one day?

In your OP you say you don’t have a terrible relationship with her but not very warm.

This is pretty much the definition of a “terrible” relationship @BetLynchsEyes

She has already protected it.

I agree with this. Sounds like it's all a Dh problem rather than dsd problem.

When someone is publicly saying they will be getting 50% of a house then yes it needs correcting.

Have you ever told your Stepmum that you will own half the house one day as a joke or otherwise?

I think the people saying it's a joke in their family are not part of a blended family where things are not quite so straightforward.

There have been lots of threads on here about siblings, half siblings and step siblings and complications in how inheritances are to be shared.

Not easy to host someone who indicates that can't wait for you to shuffle off so they get the house.

Given the backstory i can see why you are irked. I still think you are overreacting. She doesn’t know your financial arrangements. Presuming her father has invested in his own housing is not odd. Expecting as his only child to inherit his estate is also not unusual.

Sounds to me as if you have made allowances for too long.

For both of them.

She obviously has expectations. I’d be doing what I could to make sure she only got your DH’s share.

To be honest now we know more i sort of feel like your reaction was more of an over reaction, as she wasn’t even correct! your dsd sounds silly and cheeky and you could have told your dh privately he needs to set her straight on how much she will inherit once she and her bf left after the evening.

I'd have shot straight back, 'I'll be making a new will tomorrow and cutting you out of it'.

What a big fuss about nothing

You didn’t meet her until she was 20, I would be very surprised if she thinks of you as a SM . You’re her dad’s current wife. You clearly don’t like her which is fine - but this is a massive overreaction which seems contrived to create a problem. She has no way of knowing her dad doesn’t own half the house and it would be a bit weird for him to step in and say “errr let’s be clear I only own 10% of it”. I think the real issue here is you have a problem with how little money your DH had bought to the relationship and you want him to make it clear to people you have more money than him. All the housework stuff is on you - he’s poor and lazy, what a catch.

I’d be mortified by your behaviour if I was anyone in that scenario.

id also think you resented me.

It sounds like you're really mad at your husband for not stepping in and "putting her straight" about the ownership split. I don't think he is really obliged to, I don't know who owns what amongst my family and friends and would resent being forced to make my own financial situation publicly known.

Although it may be worth, as you say he is having, a private chat to manage expectations.

If you don't like cooking and cleaning for her. Just don't. Tell your husband you're not hosting and leave it to him. Don't do it and then become a resentful martyr about it.

She does sound unpleasant. But you definitely sounds quite contemptuous and derogatory about her - why does it affect you so much if she has e.g. these wrongful expectations? It is really a problem for her dad, should he choose to address it, or for her to find out upon his death!

Even with the drip feeds your reaction was unreasonable. As is your posts emphasising your cooking/hosting and property ownership.

If your H hasn’t explained to his DC that he owns X% of your shared property / estate and how he plans to allocate his share in his will, if it’s not used by his death, that’s down to him.

cooking and hosting for invited guests is basic hospitality and it was between you and your H to decide who did what.

it wasn’t just rude, it was also completely wrong

I don't really understand why you didn't just say so then?
And now leaving it to your DH to tell her himself, how's that going to work? You won't know what he actually says, and based on his reaction he either doesn't want her to know, has let her assume, or worse, thinks that somehow she will inherit, despite what you think has been agreed. I think you should be the on to contact her and give her the facts.

Sounds like the last straw after years of borderline comments, I don't think I would have reacted the same way but I don't think you were wrong to be annoyed.
You should have never been the one hosting her anyway, leave that to her father.

@BetLynchsEyes

Well, I'm taking this from the perspective of a child from an 'intact' parental marriage. Our folks made their financial plans for 'in the fullness of time' very clear to us as soon as they'd set up their living trust. Easy, since it was 50/50 between DB and I but it was a relief to know they'd 'thought ahead' and we knew what was what. They didn't get into 'dollars and cents' amounts, just the general 'who gets what'.

So although you say your and DH's finances are none of her business (and technically I agree) TBH I'd use this as a jumping off space to let her know that she will NOT be getting 50% of the house if her dad dies first so she'll need to plan her financial future accordingly. You can 'decline to specify' the percentage. And if DH is too cowardly to tell her, I'd do it myself. After all, you'd be doing her a kindness (plus getting a dig in) if she's planning her future based on an erroneous 'inheritance plan'. If she doesn't like it, she can take it up with her dad.

But if you predecease him and you haven't willed your share to 'a third party' (with a life estate for him should you choose), she will end up with 100% of it when he dies. Just a thought.

As far as her comment, it was rude and thoughtless. But I do think you overreacted a wee bit. I think it was more an occasion for a cat's bum mouth and a large 'humph!!' or at worst a "Waiting for dead man's shoes, are we? That's never wise" with a wry smile.

You clearly dislike and resent her, and you've massively overreacted to a fairly common jokey statement.

That poor new boyfriend (or girlfriend) being subjected to all that drama over dinner.