AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Huge overreaction on your part! It makes you seem deeply unpleasant to go nuclear about what was probably a gentle joke with her dad. And then pointing out how you are cooking, hosting etc. Most people feel comfortable and welcome in their parents’ houses, even if they are adults. You clearly view her as just a visitor in YOUR house rather than a loved family member. He is her dad and she should feel relaxed in his house. (Admittedly, he should have made it clear to her that he doesn’t own half the house as that is a potential shit and fan situation for the future)

I love your user name 🤣

Because there is no way the SD would have any way of knowing who owned what percentage of the house. It was clearly a joke (albeit an awkward one), and the poor girl had brought her partner over for the first time and then had to withstand a load of verbal abuse in front of him just for making a joke. Then this behaviour is justified by the OP as being histrionics from the SD and quite snootily about how she owns most of the house.

I just doubt we’d get on.

It's not half is though. And wondering why daughter thinks so.

You don't have a DSD problem you have a DH problem. He doesn't speak up to say he doesn't actually own the house and he doesn't help get things ready for his DD to come and stay.

You clearly don't like her, she's clearly always been aware of that and now you're looking for any old crazy reason for her not to come and stay any more. You just don't sound very nice tbh, it was just a silly, jokey comment.

I wonder what on earth made your husband say that about the mortgage…
in your position I would simply have said- don’t be so sure about that and left it there

I think you over-reacted, but I'm glad you didn't back down to her ridiculous tears and saw your outrage through. At least she knows if she pisses you off, you mean it and her blubbing won't work.

I wouldn't have him explain who owns what, that's absolutely none of her business and she's clearly not one to over share to. Tell her she definitely won't get getting half the house, and give no further information.

But I agree with you, she sounds absolutely awful and that was a vulgar comment to make. If DH wants to host her then he can, but she's used and abused your hospitality and has now lost the privilege.

Disagree. Daughter was quite rude to bring that up and make a comment on something (presumably) she knows nothing about. Why would one do that?

So you don’t like her acerbic sense of humour - and she finds you uptight and judgemental so pushes her comments to wind you up? It’s a very predictable dynamic and the grown up thing to do would be grow up and accept she is your husband’s child, she isn’t going to change and you can just chill out and ignore her jibes.

Lighten up. You sound so serious and heavy

Oops, this is the type of daft joke we say in our family. When my parents bought their last car and booked a holiday on the same day, I jokingly told them to stop spending my inheritance. We all laughed and they said “we’ll have to try harder”. I’m not wishing my parents dead, I adore them and hope they’ll live forever, lol.

This 100pc
Yabvu OP and overreacting.
Fwiw, I hope she is due to inherit from her Dad /your husband, in the same way your children are.

No she doesnt. The SD sounds entitled and melodramatic. It's crass to talk about inheritance at any time. It's a sensitive subject. In any case, regardless of OP's share with her DP, if OP has two children the SD wouldn't be getting half anyway.

I think it sounds like an overreaction on your part but I also get it, she has been digging away regularly and this was the final nail in the coffin. She cried because she knew she had been a cow, but she will cry harder when she realises that she isn’t getting half, even without considering potential care costs.

Im guessing your intention was to inherit the lot and pass it to your DCs and exclude her?

You sound like hard work OP.

A better response might have been 'you will only be getting X%, if it hasn't all been spent on care fees before then'.

I assume you were not involved in his first marriage ending. It sounds as if she hasn't got over her parents divorce.

I think people just have different senses of humour and different ideas of what is or isn’t appropriate.

I’m with OP although I do think you over reacted. The daughter sounds rather entitled. Should be an interesting convo between DH and DSD this afternoon. I think DSD has assumed she will inherit half because you’re married. At her age she probably doesn’t give two thoughts to inheritance laws

Unlikely - given he only owns a small fraction of the house. tee hee

People on here think telling you their favourite colour or type of biscuit is "outing". Ironically, telling the story of what happened is as "outing" as you get, were the stepdaughter to wander over here.

YANBU - especially now you've added in the various bits of backstory. She sounds unpleasant, spiteful and entitled and her assumptions are wrong. If her DF won't reprimand or correct her though I can see where she gets her ideas from. It's not nice to have these sorts of situations with close family, but while you did go a bit nuclear I'm team OP on this one. Your SD is a unpleasant little madam and you did the right thing by putting her in her place.

Most of it Is hers

Oh no, how does that pan out then? Surely if her share of the asset is protected in her name, she would take it with her upon divorce or death?

What a mess.

How can 2 numbers and a slash can be outing?
Let's try:
10/90.
Yes. That's me.

Ha, has she not seen that Zooplankton advert where the girlfriend starts wondering how much the prospective mil’s house is worth and waving round a knife? 🤣

She’s been silly to assume that she’ll inherit half, given the OP has dc and it was a rather unfortunate mistake. I can feel the resentment towards the stepdaughter coming through, tho, I don’t think this comment is the cause, OP says there have been many digs over the years. OP’s dp needs words with his dd. I hope she understands afterwards that her inheritance is not what she thought.