AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Oh, I know it's such an awful way to lay cards out on the table, but the last thing you need is for her to be labouring under this misunderstanding if your DH has been too proud to make the situation plain to her.

Anyway, it was a palaver, the best you can do is smooth things over. It's a bit much to be banning her from the house.

Good for you. I assume she has a mother she will also inherit from? It is absolutely right that your family money goes to your blood family.

I came into my marriage with more than my husband (property and equity) and whilst the money we made together is 50/50, everything that i came in with that's money from my DP's is protected under divorce. Even in death the kids would inherit the equity if I died first .... and he's the father of my children and the love of my life! But if I died, and he remarried I need to know that the majority of that part of my estate goes to my children and not some second family (or my IL's who have always been very vocal that i don't share). Well, boo fucking hoo.

I think you areover reacting massively here. Its not unusual for families to joke about inheritance. If anything, this was an opportunity to put something straight- "haha, the house is mostly mine actually" because it sounds like tour dh has been allowing her to believe he has an equal financial stake and that is very wrong of him.

But she will get half the house won’t she? Assuming you don’t own a share in it?

I don’t think it was that bad what she said. Sounded like a typical father daughter joke to me.

Why do you do all the hosting? That bit is ridiculous. Next time let them have time to themselves and go and do something you enjoy.

I don't see why she would automatically inherit anyway. The default position is that spouses inherit from each other as a matter of course.
I think it was a pretty crass and entitled comment on her part. I'd have been very annoyed indeed.

I imagine OP and DSD are quite nervy round each other which makes the likelihood of upset and frustration much higher

He doesn't need to explain anything to his daughter because their personal financial arrangements are actually none of her business.

OP could have just said something like, don't bet on it or something equally jokey and that would have been that.

It's obvious that OP's dislike of the daughter was the reason for her response. She just doesn't like her and that's that. The feeling may well be mutual.

They will have to learn to get along or stop seeing each other.

The op owns the lion's share of the home, which is protected for her own children.

Leaving her kids to sort it all out upon her death? Madness

Not all children say things like that jokingly. They really don't.

You don’t like her , probably jealous of her , resent her coming to the house and have latched on to this as an excuse to not have her to stay . Be honest .

HUGE HUGE drip feed!

I think you have had frustration building up over the years having to host her and your DH not doing his share which will have to stop. She made a crass comment which triggered all that pent up annoyance and you over reacted. I think apologies all round orchestrated by DH, in future eat out, get takeaways or DH cooks and DH sorts out her room and does most of the hosting if she comes to stay.

Yeah, I think your husband has been happy to just let his daughter 'assume' he owns 50% of the house and that'll come to her. He's fine with leaving you to be the bad guy after his death. You may want to ask him to spell this out clearly to his daughter so she doesn't get a nasty surprise and blame you. I'd also say she can still come but it's his turn to host, cook, change bedsheets etc next time and see how that turns out.

Well they do in my experience

I think you have behaved appalling.

Absolute massive overreaction

Unless they get divorced first!

I can’t imagine she’s going to be keen to visit again either.

she may be an adult but it’s not the easiest thing to go and spend time with your parent and have a hostile force there!

and your drip feed makes very clear that you see it as your house and home but not his

@BetLynchsEyes I guess if you'd had a closer relationship with her this might have come across as more of a joke. But in the circumstances I'd be pretty p'd off too.
The onus is definitely on your DH to deal with this. Putting her straight on the actual situation with the property and why her comments were offensive to you.
And if you don't want her to stay again it will be for your DH to make alternative arrangements for visits.

And DH has to explain to DD that he doesn't own half the house...

She made a silly comment but you hugely overreacted! I probably wouldn’t stay with you again!
You simply needed a light and breezy, Don’t get too excited because it largely belongs to me’, or something a bit more tactful.
If you resent cleaning, cooking and sorting things for her visit then get her dad to do it surely?
Like I said, I wouldn’t be rushing back to stay with you.

She was joking and you embarrassed her in front of her partner. As the older person in a parental role the time to bring up that her comment hurt you was away from the table, in private. Of course you can’t ban her from her dad’s home for making a silly joke. I actually think you owe her an apology. You may be feeling resentful because you do all the grunt work of hosting an receive no thanks - but this is your DH’s fault. He should be doing the work of hosting or at least the thanking. Your SD should not need to bend over backwards in gratitude for being given a clean bed and food when she visits her dad’s house. Nor should she have to step on eggshells around her stepmother’s insecurities. Honestly, whatever is going on here it’s not about the comment and you need to dig down and deal
with the underlying resentment, because life is long and if you want to maintain your marriage this young woman is going to remain a significant figure in your lives. I say all this as a stepmother well aware of how complex and fraught that role can be.

Massive drip feed. Why do posters do this?

I think you did over react but I am guessing this is not the first time she has rubbed you up the wrong way, so maybe that is why ?

I think it was probably a joke but as your DH says, she probably just assumes she would get half. Like others have said, I would have just made a joke about her not counting her chickens or something, as she now knows she has hit a raw nerve and your finances are nothing to do with her.

However I wouldn’t have been hosting her all this time like you do, given that she just tolerates you.