AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

If they like and treat their mother and stepdad respectfully, they can comfortably enjoy her bigger share and his tiny bit.

This is true - but for me strikes at the heart of the issue here: there seems not to be a decent relationship between OP and SD

You do realise that the stepdaughter caused this with her entitled, assumptive rude remark don’t you??
You also presumably realise the stepdaughter is 27 so a grown mature woman too??
She’s brought this utterly on herself I’m afraid -and made it worse with her disgraceful texts.

And OP made it clear that ‘toleration’ comes from a series of rude comments from DSD. You reap as you sow.

Not sure. Guessing they aren’t disrespectful dicks to their stepdad though. But no, an adult child has no “right” to see their parent’s house that was not their childhood home or where they have never lived as “home”. Just as I don’t see any of my family members’ houses as my own home. The stuff about how it should also be the kids’ home is when you’re talking about minors who have staying contact with their non resident parent. Not entitled brats in their 20s who are counting down the days until their inheritance.

DH has wracked his brain and is completely at a loss.

Bollocks

The question is why she thought the house that her dad and step-mum live in would help secure her future (presumably thinking OP and DH would do an equity release to fund a deposit for her, perhaps this has come up in conversation before?). Seems she thought it would be a 50/50 split, an automatic husband/wife, 50/50 split regardless of who has put in what.

I think that's an okay assumption for a 27yo to make if she were talking about her parents and they were still married to each other. She clearly doesn't know how things are with second marriages, in which both parties already have children.

And why does she have no expectations of her own mother? Or maybe she does?!

I would say that she's finding all this out now but the fact that she's blaming OP for "keeping the house from her" (shocking, really) suggests she's resisting finding this out! She obviously hasn't spared a thought for OP's children...perhaps because the DH STILL hasn't told her that the house is 85/15 (or whatever) for this reason? Because the money that bought the house is from OP's family and is for OP's family?

Why should she be ‘at Home’.?
it’s not and never has been her home.
Shes a guest.

Just stop doing the prep work for hosting and leave it to DH, don’t take your resentment about your lazy incompetent husband out on her.

Yanbu to be upset about the comment but you over reacted due to your stress about hosting and shouldn’t have taken it so far unless you wanted to fall out, maybe you did.

Have you got another child? Who will have the other half?

Yabu

She's not a guest. She's family.

There is no half for anyone.

Shes a guest.

Yes, but at some level that's what is eating her.

We can say all we like about people needing to accept things etc, but deep down most people feel a deep and visceral need NOT to feel like a guest in their parent's lives.

But it’s not her family home - and her dad doesn’t own it. OP does - all except a small proportion which has been legally sorted out. She’s a guest - and clearly a very entitled one. This is not her ‘parents’ home. It’s OP’s in the main, and her entitled attitude shows exactly how she views it - not as any kind of home, but simply as a means to an end.

Read all of the OP's posts

No wonder she's pissed off if she's treated like some random guest in her dads home.

Rather than sitting there like a dummy, DH/DF should have quickly nipped it in the bud and told his DD to show some respect.

As for telling his DD their financial situation & who owns what percentage of anything, it's nothing to do with her whatsoever joke or no joke. She needs to learn how not to stick her nose into other people's business. No doubt her DM will get the blame for not teaching her respect & manners.

It's her dads home. She should be treated like family.

But it’s not her dad’s home is it - that’s the whole crux of the matter. She doesn’t see it as a home, but merely a means to get getting what she wants. Family doesn’t behave like that.

Just a thought...did DSD react so badly with tears and ranting as she thought her DF could be convinced to remortgage to lend her money for a house deposit? That would explain her partner showing such an interest.
That's just me being cynical. She may have been to her (significantly better off post divorce) DM with the same expectation and been refused.

The “child” was TWENTY YEARS OLD when @BetLynchsEyes met her dad.

she’s never going to feel at home at a home that isn’t hers. Any more than I would feel at home in my Aunts house. It’s not her home, she has one of her own.

sheesh the stepmums are evil crew have swarmed

I would have laughed and said “Cheeky bitch! Hasn’t your dad said yet that he’s left it all to the cats home?” I think you massively overreacted.

Perhaps she would have been, were she not such a bitch to her step mother since they married.

(A) not her dads house
(b) she’s almost 30… it’s not her home and never was/will be.