AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

What has your mum got to do with this thread?!

Are you the step daughter?!

This made me laugh. No one is entitled to an inheritance. What if he needed to spend that last years of his life in a care home? Which is what happened to my parents and I’m glad they had the money to pay for it.

No, my mum is similar's case to OP 😆

Or he may have spent a lot of what he had to put his daughter through university. He may have thought the advantage of leaving university debt free was worth more than an inheritance decades in the future?

Money really can bring out the worst in people.
I really feel for you and your DH @BetLynchsEyes what a horrible thing to have happened.

He’s not a ‘deadbeat’ -why do you think that?

He’s left his ex wife in the marital home and has supported his daughter through uni
It’s not down to stepparents to deprive their own children so entitled stepchildren don’t assume and bank on an inheritance.
The SD has clearly been mentally spending half of OPs house potentially decades before she gets it.
You sound very bitter - are you the SD.?

Im delighted @BetLynchsEyes is having a nice evening with her lovely husband.

It's her Mum she should be talking to (if she should be talking to anyone!) If Mum makes a mirror will to her new DH and he dies first it is up to him whether he leaves anything to her. And many don't. I hope her Mum has made a Will that leaves what she brought from her marriage to her dd,

And I think it would help de-escalate thigs if your DH explained that the house mostly belongs to you because you paid for most of it - because he left his house and the equity in it with her Mum.

And asks her how she would feel if HE had paid for most of it and then half was left to YOUR kids?

Explain calmly, stuck record.

But what a brass neck she has.

I sort of get it. The Dc of split parents often get a very raw deal as a result of new spouses, younger step and half siblings, seeing a new spouse inherit all and then pass it elsewhere. And that just picks at the fault lines of insecurity having seen their parents split up, learning to accept (or not) new partners and spouses.

I hope her Dp has some common sense and influence and things calm down.

Ah but is he allowed in her much larger part of the house?

Went wrong at the start but pulled it around Op.

Yes deadbeat by having a fun time and relaxing with a glass of wine with the very woman that caused such a big fall out with his daughter. There is no way the OP would be sitting in the hot tube relaxing with him if the roles were reversed. The money thing is not what I’m referring too - that is a polite chat saying to DD sorry you have got that mixed up etc. The OP sounds almost gleeful about the fall out. A grown, mature woman with two adult children should have more humility and empathy than that.

have you read how the OP described tolerating the "visit" from her DSD who should be at home in her dad's house?

The self entitlement is something else, not sure it's the daughter who is the worst here

I do think that many young adults just don’t realised the complexities of home ownership, especially with second marriages etc. My dad remarried when I was about 20 and he barely had any money. They were clear from day 1 that I wouldn’t be inheriting from that side (which is fine). I wouldn’t have really considered how it worked before that so may have assumed.

We do joke about who is inheriting all my dad and step mums cat pictures and ornaments, just like my dad and siblings did with their parents (they threatened to get a coloured sticker each and whoever put a sticker first got it, but it ended up siblings threatening to put other colours on the stuff so they don’t have to inherit it).

SD needs to ditch the boyfriend & find a sugar daddy.

We've had discussions about what DD might inherit from her father - expect jack shit and everything else is a bonus.

I also wonder why the OP is resenting the step daughter for her doing all the leg work. Why isn’t she resenting the husband for not pulling his weight?

What 😲 but then who will pay for my yacht i need a yacht.

Shes 27, not 7. Why should she feel “at home” in her dad’s home if he moved in there when she was an adult? I don’t see my parents’ homes as my own or somewhere I feel at home. Plus she sounds like an utter twat.

In that particular instance, I tend to agree.

Oh jeez. Do you have kids? When your kids behave like idiots, and won’t listen and start messaging abuse instead of just listening then there is no point in discussion. When they’re being idiots, you give it a break, get on with your time and talk to them once they have calmed down. I’d be doing exactly the same as them if it was my kids. Sometimes, it’s the kids who are behaving badly is it is ok, as a parent, to ignore it and carry on having a nice time.

Are the OPs grown up children allowed to feel at home in their mums bigger share of the house? Or is it just the SD?

The husband appreciates the effort she makes, does more than just tolerates her and doesn't always have a slick joke .

😂

Well yes because he’s nice !

I have been a bit hi jacking not much....let me put my one here: we didn't know anything about my mum's and so called step father < he never did any raising > money and house, until I made a joke like the step daughter, but I am a daughter. Mum made a will after this but does not give us a copy nor POA...I can see why you would feel entitled to speak to your blood parent about inheritance

But he didn’t have anything for her to inherit after the divorce anyway. The marital home went to her mum. And DSD is inheriting everything she possibly can - in the form of the small interest her dad has in OP’s home. Poor girl my arse - grabby, nasty and entitled more like.

The fact is, OP's husband is lacking any masculinity and could not deal with his own child and her future inheritance and OP is beating herself on the chest: my house, my house...