AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

I said "might." It depends on her mother's will. Point is, there's another kid in the mix who might have his hand out for some of her inheritance, in the same way she that she has her hand out for some of OP's kids' inheritance.

Maybe she does have to give half her mother's house to her stepbro. Maybe that's WHY she has her hand out.

Regardless, I hope both her parents tell her what their estate plans are, so that she can cut her cloth accordingly. This information has obviously been a big surprise to her.

I think it’s DSD who needs to grow up. Are you a man ? Because you seem to have a problem with OP having the foresight to protect her assets. Especially as DSD has now revealed herself to be a nasty selfish and entitled brat.

Maybe that's WHY she has her hand out.
She has her hand out because she's a self entitled brat

Regardless, I hope both her parents tell her what their estate plans are, so that she can cut her cloth accordingly
Nobody has an entitlement to know their parents estate planning. She's 27.... she needs to stand on her own 2 feet and stop wishing her oarents dead for a few quid

Unfortunately it looks like that one will be even more complicated.

I did not say that - I said when I meet married couples I assume this. I can see how the step daughter thought this especially as she is young.

How do you know he doesn't have much? I assume he's not broke if he funded his DD through uni.

OP where was your DH living between his divorce, and living with you? Renting, or had he bought a property? How old was his daughter when her parents split up? Did she visit wherever he lived post-divorce, and have any awareness of its status (rental or mortgaged)? It does seem she has developed a completely distorted idea of her father’s wealth. Will she inherit half her mother’s house?

I have a friend in her late 70s, widowed some years ago. She has one AC, and adult stepchildren and teenage step-grandchildren. Evidently the “steps” all asked for, and received, substantial monetary gifts from their father during the few years after his terminal diagnosis. They continue to ask her for help, it is all such a mess they still can’t get probate sorted out and she is so terribly stressed.

She took her DSD and three teens on a 4 star AI holiday, entirely at her expense. Started asking the teens about GCSE options and potential career aspirations. The eldest (15?) said, quite unfazed, “I’m not bothered, when you die we’ll get so much money we’ll never have to work”.

the wife will inherit his savings and bank account

How exactly has this ‘done a number on’ DSD ? Her dad left the marriage with the pension he had and the marital home went to her mum. OP has provided the vast majority of the funding for the home in which they live and has made entirely appropriate arrangements for her own kids to inherit. Presumably DSD will inherit from her mum when the time comes. She sounds a nasty, grabby and entitled little madam from OP’s updates and this whole thing is entirely on her for making ridiculous assumptions.

It depends on where you live. In Scotland, children are entitled to a share of one third of the moveable estate.

I'm going to guess she's expecting half her mother's home, to be shared with that stepbrother; so just 'gifted' herself half her father's home as well, without thinking that he had very little, having given the whole house to her mother.

Or maybe she's just under the impression that her dad, from his presumably healthy pension, is independently wealthy.

Or maybe she grew up in a privileged manner, where money is magically available, so critical thinking around divorce making him poorer, is just an inconvenience. One the OP's money would fix.

Because OP made that clear up thread.

No. He can (and should) leave that to his kid.

I am glad she is so generous but she just feels obliged or?

F

Unfortunately my mum said he will get any left over

Because I’ve read OP’s posts and that has been made clear. He isn’t penniless, but he certainly doesn’t have the money or assets that his daughter thinks he does.

He has a small share in the house and will have earnings/his pension and any savings he has. But it’s clearly not as much as the daughter expected. The bulk of the house and money is from OP’s family, so will remind in her family.

That was a very strange thing for her to say. Oh well, just relish in the smugness that she is completely wrong and entitled to much when her dad goes by the sounds of it. The crying is ridiculous.

Remind us please, who had the sense of self entitlement and then throw a strop?

Definitely was not the OP or her DH. Very definitely the DD(DSD) though!

This isn’t about you or your mum? We’re talking about OP, her husband and his daughter.

I think many people don’t really understand how banter works. There needs to be a bit of mutual trust and understanding, otherwise it’s not banter but just unpleasantness or bullying.

It was down to her mother to ring fence her possessions to ensure entitled stepdaughter inherits,
My mum remarried when I was 22.
She has ensured everything she went into the marriage with remains hers and that it is protected for me to inherit.

Can you explain, in detail, how he is a deadbeat?

He didn’t have much money. He put some into the house but didn’t have much so OP bought the rest. He planned to leave his share to his daughter. She isn’t losing anything; he didn’t have any more than that to begin with, and OP isn’t getting it. He planned to leave it to his daughter.

He can’t leave anymore than that because he doesn’t have and never has had anymore than that. Where exactly has he behaved like a deadbeat? He doesn’t have any money to leave! Not as much as the daughter thinks anyway.

Way to show you haven’t read the thread… no one believes @BetLynchsEyes is being unreasonable given the SS’ (not DS) subsequent behaviour.