AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Yes, with second marriages, that's usually how it works as regards the marital home. The surviving spouse gets to live in the house for their lifetime, and then the kids inherit it after both spouses die. Of course, the percentage of the split is determined by the will if not an equal split, but the point is, no one is kicking anyone out. I wonder if DSD thought she was going to kick OP out if her dad died first.

Oh lordy, if only people would read the OPs updates before posting!

OP please ignore those people suggesting that you give her the facts re percentages you both put in. It's none of her, or anyone's, business. All she needs to know is that she needs to massively lower her expectations. She's not entitled to know anything about your finances. Either ignore her and let her rant, or block.

Echo the idea of sending an email setting out your will arrangements to her and giving copies of it (and any reply) to your solicitors. Make sure your children know the arrangements and that she is unhappy about it without too many details.
I would call it 'our current wills' when speaking to the 27 year old brat.

He will have to have a conversation with her about why she thought that house would be her future.

Was she under the impression that he suddenly had earned hundreds of thousands of pounds to pay for this house since splitting up with her mum?

How!!

She needs to understand that nothing’s been taken from her.

Yes, OP says in one of her answers that she does.

It sounds like the problem is your resentment of your DHs lack of involvement when your DSD comes.
None of us were there, so will never know if your DSD meant her comment as a joke or was entitled to, but you chose to react in a completely over the top way. You could have easily ignored, or made a flippant comment back about your plans to spend it all.
Step families are tough, for all involved, and often involve a bit of biting one’s tongue and washing over things.
You clearly resent
The work it takes having your DSD over and should have raised this with your DH before you got to this stage - that is on both of you, not your DSD.
I hope you can work it out, for me, I would struggle to stay in a relationship where my partner had such hostility towards my adult children.

Will SD be inheriting her mother's house? She couldn't surely be expecting to inherit two houses? She does sound rather grabby. Glad you and DH are united.

This doesn’t make sense op, because you say the daughter knows that the mother got the marital home?
Where does she think your current house comes from? Thin air? Magic?
My DSC know that DH is now far better off, materially, since being with me (two people working will do that).
They haven’t once “joked” about how much of it they will get, because they are not entitled horrors.

That 'secure her future' comment, ALONE, tells you what is going on in her head.

If you live to 95, was she going to force you out of your own home? Live on hope of a grand inheritance till she was herself 60?

Sadly, you've got in the way of her plans and it may be that she will never forgive either of you.

Interesting comment by a PP ... what are her inheritance plans from her mother and stepfather?

SD sounds horrible. Sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I don’t know why people are saying they make jokes like this in their family like therefore it’s okay. Some people do, some don’t. It’s not something I’d ever say or joke about. If my dh said this as a joke it would sound awful. His parents are likely to leave the house to his sibling who lives with them. They do not talk about money including inheritances and it would go down like a lead balloon.
The SD in this situation is old enough to appreciate the fact they mightnt own equal shares in the house and that op might not be the type of person who takes this sort of “joke” well.
She has behaved poorly.
I think OPs reaction wasn’t great, but SD hit a nerve and should have just accepted that and apologised.

😅😅😅😅😅😅

Nooooooooo
Omg I have second hand embarrassment
What a foul beast she is....!!!

Ideally don't reply obviously.
If you have to and id want to - I'd go high.

"I'm sorry you feel that way but this is between you two. i am disappointed you think so poorly of me but would clarify i havent 'taken' anything - my share of our house is entirely self-funded."

Separately stop doing ALL this...
I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook

Pop to the jacuzzi... go read a book... have a nap... pop to a coffee shop... sit on your hands if you must....
But leave the 2 of them to it.

Edit: saw the update - all i can think is your DH hasnt been clear at ALL and she thinks hes gifted you ££££ somehow....
But that still doesnt explain her wretched behaviour!!!!

Have you read the updates ? If this were my DSD she wouldn’t set foot over the doorstep ever again. Grabby is the understatement of the year

I wonder what’s going on with the ex wife that OP describes as ‘lovely’ or something similar. Do you think the step daughter is on the phone to her and the ex wife is similarly baffled by her idea that half the house was hers? 🧐

That was a question for @wheredidallthejobsgo

I don't know what her mother's situation is. She did sell the former marital home and buy a new place with her husband, who I believe has a DS. But I honestly don't know anymore than that.

Her behaviour is outrageous! So upsetting for your DH to hear that his DD has been sizing up (inaccurately) his estate while he is still fit and well.

Has he actually explained it to her, sent a message to say “You know when your mum and I divorced that I left with just my pension, I didn’t get any money or assets. I don’t have any money other than what I work for. X had money and used it to buy a house, my share is what I contributed. You were never going to get any more than that because I don’t have any more than that and never did. X will leave her assets to her kids, I will leave mine to you, as will your mother (I assume). I don’t know why you thought I had money or assets, I don’t. And I don’t know why you think you’d get X’s money or assets.
No one has stolen your inheritance from you. There wasn’t anything for you to inherit from me, apart from the money I have saved and had gone into my share of the house which you will get. You are no worse off. But your behaviour now is making be think again about what to do with my share.”

If her mum got 100% of the house in the divorce, won’t she get that at some point? Is she acting like a crazy woman demanding that is left to her as well?!

If I was her dad, I’d warn her mum (who you say is lovely) that she is making some really unhinged demands.

If her Mother got 100% of the house surely she’ll inherit that?
Nothing like wanting your parents to shuffle off so you can get your hands on some money 🥴
After this, if I was her Dad I’d leave my percentage to charity if it’s not used for future care…

I'm confused. The house she thought would help secure her future? Does she not realise that people can live to be 100? And that the value of homes can be eaten up by care fees for two? I don't get why she would be so attached to getting this house when she's only 27. Are either of you planning to die anytime soon???

I wouldn't accept any food or drinks from her, lmao! 🤣

After years of little digs, I can understand that you flipped. However, she also probably feels slightly odd, visiting her dad in another home, but that does not, excuse her behaviour towards you, or her subsequent outbursts.

Time for her father to put her straight and I’d maybe take further precautionary legal advice, just in case, there are issues further down the line if your dh predeceases you.

She's 27!

I'm 51 and my parents are both still going strong.

She is delusional in so many ways.

There's not anything to actually sort out though is there, she's not getting remotely close to the amount of money she believed she would.

Well tough, life doesn't always go to plan.

I think so.

Where did he live after the divorce if she got the house 100%?