AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Have you actually read all of the OP’s posts?!

I'd say it was a bit rude but not really 'nasty'. It's a fair assumption he'll probs leave her an inheritance but it's not something that should be taken for granted and certainly not insinuated out loud.

I don’t know when this 27 year old thought she would get ‘her inheritance’ but I am in my 70s and I still have 1 parent alive. I probably won’t get any as the house will have to be sold for their nursing home fees. People should not count on getting anything and then they won’t be disappointed.

I'd reply
"How you feel is irrelevant. It's not your house and it's none of your business you money grabbing wench."

I think you’re right, it was a clumsy joke that revealed her feelings - she honestly thought her dad would die first and she’d kick you out of your home as a birthright. How DARE she!! Even if it was half his… how dare she make out like she’s in charge and will do what she likes.

My mum owns a home and shares it with a guy who is quite a bit younger. I would never kick him out! He can live there for his life and then we’ll inherit. It’s his home, he didn’t pay for it, but he helps with the updates eg. new kitchen. And by the time my mum dies he’s likely to have lived there for 30 odd years.

Mine do too. And it's funny.
What they don't do is suggest I'll have to move out of my home because their dad died and they want their share.

OP - what an awful situation.
without wanting to out a downer on things, be very very careful your husband doesn’t get manipulated by his daughter or get into debt for her. You are married and some things will still be equally shared (including debt) although it does sound like you have all your legal stuff sorted.

she sounds incredibly entitied. My in-laws also have form for this. I am the breadwinner in our family and I had saved the money for our deposit etc and it’s my salary upon which the mortgage is based.

jimmy carr has a great definition of entitlement: when a person looks at where they are compared to where they want to be, and they think that responsibility falls to someone else to ensure it happens.

my in-laws think I am responsible for paying their rent when they can’t (because they wasted the money somewhere else like a new TV). My husband cannot set boundaries. My MIL is highly emotionally manipulative. I believe she’s a narcissist. She has severe undiagnosed ADHD.

it sounds like your DH can manage things for the moment but just be careful that she doesn’t manipulate him in the long term to get into debt for her.

Nobody is entitled to any inheritance...it is an absolute privilege and I can't believe how awful she has been to you.
At least she has shown her true colours now, I'd block her number and move on, let DH deal with her from now on.

She's a bit thick, isn't she? 😂

I would respond once to say you and DH both own what you paid for and won't discuss it further.

Echo the idea of sending an email setting out your will arrangements to her and giving copies of it (and any reply) to your solicitors. Make sure your children know the arrangements and that she is unhappy about it without too many details.

It's a bit like 'out of the mouths of babes' You don't have to say a lot but that was definately a mike drop moment. I hope she comes back and apologises and your other half should be backing you not his money'grabbing daughter.

Yep I’ve just seen a friend of mine, and her siblings, watch a very considerable inheritance go on private care fees. They did not begrudge the parent the care, but I know the parent was very proud that there would be a fair bit of cash left.
It wasn’t to be, and they got on with it and the parent got absolutely brilliant care.
I think it’s going to become more and more common.

Things do tend to be yours when you pay for them! That's kinda how that whole money thing works....OP paid for most of her house.

@BetLynchsEyes Given the comments about you being his 'current wife' and her suggestion he divorces you, did she perhaps tolerate you (with a side dish of snark from time to time) only because she thought she would materially gain from the re-marriage. Based on your family being well-off. Now it's clear she won't gain she is showing her true feelings.

Since when has anybody been compelled to discuss their financial affairs with anybody except HMRC especially with a 27 year old ADULT?!

I have blocked her.

DH has messaged her to say "stop texting X. This is between you and me. We will sort it out when things have calmed down. There has been a misunderstanding and we will talk it through but stop acting this way. It's not helping".

She has responded with "Fine. I won’t text HER. But don’t expect me to be fine with finding out the house I thought would help secure my future has basically been kept from me".

At this point I'm at a loss to understand what she thought was going to happen. It seems she had high expectations and we're confused as to where they have come from. DH has wracked his brain and is completely at a loss. He hasn't promised anything or made any suggestions. His DD knew his situation following the divorce (he walked away with just his pension and his ex had the house 100%), so where she thought the sudden accumulation of wealth came from I don't know.

A PP said that maybe she has been presenting an image of wealth to her new partner. I've been thinking about this and he did seem very interested in the house, so it's very possible. That would explain the sudden burst of anger and the backlash we are now facing. I'm guessing they both thought the deposit was a done deal.

I'm wondering if the DSD thought most of OP's money was actually her dad's money. As in, assumed he'd worked hard and the money he had later on was the result of that, not the result of his second marriage.

Just trying to think how such a gross misunderstanding came about.

Of course the OP's not over-reacted or maybe you've missed the subsequent bile from the brat. It wasn't a 'joke', the dimbo thought she could look forward to 50% of the OP's house, now she has been told otherwise she mega foot-stamping. If her mother has remarried, has she placed her marker on 50% of their home too? I'd love the father to tell her she's geting zippo, wills can be rewritten.

Oh dear! She is very upset.

If this is real - you’ve been a twonk.

Edit- I'm not going to do a dirty delete of my original response, but I really shouldn't have responded so quick without reading all the updates!!
It is gross behaviour on her part - I do joke about inheritance with my parents sometimes, but they both know full well I would rather they blow it all on enjoying retirement after working so hard to bring us up with very little. I suppose I assumed she just had our style of humour because I always find it so unbelievable when people are really that entitled!

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I'd say this is mostly on your husband - it isn't an unreasonable assumption on her part that he'd own half. All he had to do was joke back "not likely, it's not even half mine".

I do think you over reacted by assuming (because we all do assume some times!) there was any unkind intention though.

Surely she will inherit her mother’s house? Is that not enough?

Ha ha she is 27! Is he dying?? She should get a job and earn her money like most people do.

Do you have children of your own?