AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Second marriages do a real number on the inheritance of the first family, that's for sure.

They absolutely do.

You could reply with an offer to fund her initial therapy session and then switch your phone off..🥂

I’m sorry but it’s a totally normal thing to joke about - now it’s all been blown up out of all proportion and very likely permanently ruined OPs relationship with his DD

Having now read your updates, she's massively overstepped and continues to do so, its nothing to do with her what her dad agreed to when you married. Yes, it will smart a bit, particularly if she really believed there would be a 50/50 inheritance, but even then nothing is guaranteed, my MIL died and virtually her whole estate went on care home fees that DH older brother had 'forgotten' to pay. She just needs to grow up and realise there is no free money ticket coming her way. If she chooses not to see her dad anymore because of that then so be it.

@BetLynchsEyes honestly love, just block her, this is a no win situation for you if you engage

block, phone off and enjoy the wine with your h

this is going to be very hard for her to get out of. But you can’t do anything about that.

I actually wonder if this is a form of misogyny. There’s a weird assumption that if a woman marries an older man, the house etc will have been his and he is sharing it.

Whereas in real life quite often the man moves into the woman’s house.

Not all. DH is a high earner, but so am I. My DSC will inherit far more, because of me. But also because they are decent people, who have never behaved like the daughter in this thread. If they had? Things might be different.

Im intrigued to know why she thinks her Dad is wealthy, and why he is in fact not.
I assume in his divorce when things were divided there wasn’t much left when it came to each persons portion. But surely his lifestyle before he met you reflected that?
His daughter would remember how he lived after the split and before he met you, I assume he lived in a much smaller house/rented?
I have a similar family dynamic, my Father met my step mother when I was in my 20’s he sold his house, she sold hers and then they brought one together. I have no idea what their percentage of ownership is just like I would assume if there was any inheritance they would leave it to each other and then that person would divide it however they wished.
Ive never questioned it because I ultimately don’t care, their finances are none of my business and as I’ve said previously I don’t care about inheritance. I would expect they are equal owners because they both sold similar properties to enable the house purchase together.
Your DSD is obviously convinced he had money and you’ve managed to put the house more in your name through a devious ploy because any reasonable person after being told their parent only put a 10% deposit down for example wouldn’t expect their parent’s stake in the house to be 50%.
I would just ignore and block her, there’s no reasoning with some people…

Perhaps you missed the back story? I find it interesting that OP still has the grace to describe her SD's mother as 'lovely', so there is obviously no bitterness there.

Just message her back ‘oh do fuck off dear’

Massively over reacted. We often joke that our parents enjoy SKIING- ‘spending kids inheritance’. It’s normal banter.

You e ruined a meal and any relationship you did have I think.

It was the kind of comment that can be made, in jest, between a child and their parent.
She didn't say it to you, but you decided to (over) react anyway. You are in the wrong here.
You then made her feel like a hassle (sitting at my table, eating my food) for just being in her dad's home, where she should feel very natural and comfortable. Step relationships are difficult and I think you need to try harder. Stop doing all the leg work before she arrives, why can't her dad make the fuss? Don't cook, either DH cooks or order in.
You feel resentful and taken advantage of, but your DH needs to step in and help this relationship to be more harmonious.
As for banning her from her dad's house? No, I don't think so.

Just tell the silly cow straight how the property was paid for - from your assets and yours alone save for his small contribution. She’s going to make life miserable for your children when they inherit, so make it clear now who owns what and how that has come about.

“I think you need to try harder”.
”stop doing all the legwork”

yeah this makes sense

You have over reacted to a clumsy joke. My boys always joke about choosing my nursing home.

Just reply with the facts: Your Dad paid for X percent and I paid for Y percent so that is how we own it.

This would be a fair response.

Along with asking why she is so misogynist, she has assumed her father was the majority partner.

She sounds awful and badly brought-up. I’d divorce the man for sure.

Do not respond. It will get worse. Your husband should deal with his daughter, not you.

Your dad owns what he could afford. You’ll have to accept it. And no, I haven’t made sure it’s all mine. Being upset about this is a lesson you need to learn.
At the end of the day no one is guaranteed an inheritance, no matter their parent’s portion. That’s life.

Yes, YOUR boys. This is not ops daughter. This is an adult woman who has been rude to op since they met. So not quite the same.

It's quite shocking to think she has, by the sounds of it, had some sort of fantasy in which her dad dies (before you more likely due to age) and she then owns half of your presumably big and lovely home, and if she has been getting any sort of private vengeance from that thought.... hmm!

It sounds like although it's gone badly, a good thing that this has now come up and your DH can set the record straight with her. Will be interesting to see how much she visits when she knows what her inheritance will be.

I do think that if at all possible you need to be able to welcome her into your home again, but DH should definitely be doing all the housework associated with that.

This.

If she had treated you well prior, she would have had some 'brownie points' stored up but as she has treated you like an inconvenience at best, I think you have been restrained quite honestly.

You can only say these sort of things to people you get along well with and have an understanding with. Without all of that, she's just being a cheeky fucker quite honestly.

I suggest a flame thrower for next time. She sounds like an arrogant muppet with no self awareness.

It's as if the OP conned him into paying the smallest percentage he could, so she could own most of the home; just to get one over on his daughter.
Although that'd be fine, as she'll still enjoy the money he didn't spend on buying the house.

Can I just start with, RTFT people.

Then can I say to @BetLynchsEyes well done for biting your tongue for so long and I hope you and your husband are back in the tub with another vat of whiskey!

My mother had very little when she died, most had gone to pay of a hip replacement 10 yrs earlier, which was money well spent to me and my sister. so we tossed a coin to see who would start the claiming... my sister won, and asked for the Sundae glasses, I got the camelia from the garden and on we went. I am so sorry, that @BetLynchsEyes has had to put up with this... I have recently noticed a particularly grabby streak appear on here about inheritances... so, would just say be grateful for whatever you are given because frankly I would give it all back for an hour with my ma (during which she would probably drive through my ironing pile.