AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Nothing to inherit. Ironically, bad decisions on second marriages for both my parents have ensured that. But I haven’t suffered in any way from having to make my own way. Expecting nothing and having to paddle your own canoe brings forth resilience, something sadly lacking in a lot of people. Entitlement is something I definitely don’t suffer from.

Poor girl is obviously very stupid. Block her, for now anyway. I think you and your DH should treat yourselves to a few days away, staying somewhere lovely.

Why does she need to fine with it or not fine with it? It’s not her house and not her finances absolutely nothing to do with her, I couldn’t imagine having that kind of entitled opinion over something that shouldn’t and doesn’t concern me.

Or add, well it is a shame I’d earmarked 10k of my family’s money to help with your house deposit.
But seeing as how you really don’t like me, I’m off to Turkey for new teeth, your dad’s getting a new hairline and we are doing a BOGOF offer on bum lifts.

I would respond saying “your father owns the percentage he could afford. Nothing unfair about that “ then block her. Greedy little cow.

Nope, these are arguments you can try in court but have no automatic legal standing.

She is very wrong, as has clearly been explained by OP.

Try not to respond. This is for your husband to deal with

Tell her to stop making shit up in her own head. She's not getting anything from you and that's that.

She doesn't know when to stop digging, does she? I can't help wondering what sort of fantasy scenario she'd got going on in her head that meant she would get half the house in the near future anyway!

At this point, I would report her to the Police for harassment.

Then she can have something to cry about.

So set her straight without getting angry or taking it quite so personally this time.

Tell her the legal and financial facts so that she really knows where she stands.
Help her see what her future looks like.

Help her see she has to stop acting and being and feeling so entitled (without actually using those words) to something that never belonged to her or her father in the first place. Then she might realise that she has to up her own game if she wants to get on better in the world.

I think you both have to take some responsibility for her being so ill-informed in the first place.

Sounds like you over reacted - was obviously a joke. If you've got issues with the amount of prep you do, an issue with your husband, no?

Be glad this has come out now and not after his death...

I'd say you're over reacting, though it's probably part of a wider pattern of behaviours. Stop doing all the hosting, don't pile on the drama by 'banning' her, that just makes things even worse. Stop laying on everything, expect her dad to step up. I can understand the feelings on both sides , I'm step mum to 2 adult men, one who was still living with us at 27, so it can feel very very hard. My son's step mum recently died, ds is 24 and she 'banned' him from 'her' house when he was a young child, so goodness knows how that will work out. Take a step back, deep breath and just stop the drama.

She’s a bit of a princess, isn’t she? Probably a good thing she knows, as she won’t try to bump him off to get her kits on the house. Time she realised that if she wants to live in a nice house, she will have to work hard, live frugally and save, like everyone else.

all I read from the OP is that she TOLERATED the SDS visits, when really her dad's house should have been her home. And how painful it sounds to have had to give her a clean towel!

and then she complains about the lack of "warmth" . I wonder why that would be

Did you accidentally prefix her age with the ‘2’ because she’s acting 7 not 27

She sounds like an entitled cow but the drama of all of this could have been avoided if you or he had just explained that her assumption, joky or otherwise, was incorrect, and I do think exploding instead was unnecessary and unreasonable. Passive aggressive shit where someone claims to be joking and then ends up crying because they've been so misunderstood is best shut down with deadpan calm imo. It sounds like her nastiness on the phone has saved you from this driving a wedge between you and your dh, but that's your good luck and nothing to do with how you handled things. That said, he needs to communicate better with her in future, so her grievances don't get as far as the dinner table.

You waiting on her when she comes over is another matter and needs to be discussed with him. Doesn't sound like she'll be coming over again any time soon anyway.

I would answer very clinically.

"I paid in x%, which was money from the sale of my house and MY family inheritance. Your dad paid in x% because that's all he had. If this was the other way round, would you expect me to claim half of your dad's money to give to my DC?"

That’ll make family relations better…

Or 'Your Dad brought nothing to this marriage apart from his gold-plated dick'.

The texts are not pleasant but possibly inevitable.
I think you choice is to ignore all messages or reply very calmly that yes, she is meant to be okay with the split. Her father is okay with it and it isn’t really any of her business.
Assuming you are in the uk but not in Scotland then he could opt to leave her nothing in his will. Something he could always point out!

If you choose to go back keep it simple:
“I put in X% of our house purchase and your Dad put in X% of our house purchase. This is reflected legally in our ownership and thereby wills”. I know it’s tempting to put “so get over yourself you grabby cow” but really, leave it at the facts!! Factual, simple = easy!

Is she part of the trad wife movement, ie someone who believes women should subordinate themselves to men?