AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

in fairness, the DSD wasn't asked if she wanted a relationship, her dad decided to have one with a woman whether she liked it or not.

She wasn't after anything

Well, she is after something now.

A deposit so she can buy a house and inheritance of 50% of the OP/her dad’s house despite him only owning a tiny fraction of it.

Yup, that's the barb in the joke.
Strongly suggests the step-daughter would be happy to oust the OP from her own home.

Why is OP a nightmare stepmother? Because she’s a stepmum which on MN makes any woman the spawn of the devil?
This young woman has been goading her since the wedding and this was the straw which broke the camel’s back.
However it’s DH who is the real issue. Letting his wife be the chalet maid hostess. Not being clear to his daughter. It is his job and his ex wife’s job to provide for their children not the OP’s.
If this were on a different thread this man would be labelled a cocklodger, indeed.

I am a SM and also a SD. I couldn’t disagree with you more. In OPs case, DSD is a fully grown adult, and it is she who has ruined the relationship, not op. She’s also a bit dim. Imagine coming round with the intention of asking for a house deposit, then kicking off, crying and carrying on? Totally unacceptable behaviour in a child, never mind an adult.

Was her laughing as she spoke not an indication she was joking?

@BetLynchsEyes i feel you’re getting short shrift here from people who haven’t properly read all of your updates. The ‘joke’ was the straw that broke the back - and I think that’s understandable and I can see why it let to your comments. At least SD has now been told the factual position of the % ownership. I’d second getting your solicitor to confirm in writing and to pass a copy on to your SD (then it’s not giving her a copy of the will, just a formal extract). I’d also give one to your own adult children, and make sure your kids know where the original wills for yourself and your DH are (not that I think anything will happen to you soon, just because I’ve seen from doing private client work how difficult it is when the family have no idea where the wills are stored).

Don’t pander to her, and DG likely in shock as he’s realised his D cares more about money and his wealth.

Sorry for going quiet, we've been in the hot tub with a large glass of wine. We're starting to unwind a bit and even managed to have a chuckle about the whole thing. We're going to order a takeaway and just chill out for a bit.

DH has turned his phone off as he started getting ranty texts from her. He's going to take some time out to let things cool down before they talk again.

For those that asked, my kids are young adults and will be well provided for. DH has never supported them financially in the slightest, so there should be no assumption he has supported my children to the detriment of his own.

DH supported his DD financially throughout her childhood and through university so she came out with minimal debt. He saw her regularly throughout her childhood and gets on very well with his ex (she's a lovely woman) so it's baffling where his DD has got this bitterness from. Her mother is happily remarried and settled.

I'm at a loss to understand it but honestly I'm going to take a giant step back now. Her dad can decide what he wants to do next.

How has this conversation never happened before?! Was she younger when you moved in together?

I think you over reacted and caused pointless upset. I don’t understand what you were trying to achieve? Were you trying to put her in her place?
You mention that you do all the hosting. If you don’t want to then you should stop. I don’t ‘host’ my own kids that much when they visit.

Continually making barbed comments since the OP has married her dad is an u kind way to treat someone, whether you laugh as you say them or not.

The OP’s updates since the first post where the stepdaughter is now horrified that she won’t be getting half of the house (as her dad doesn’t own half of it) show how much she wasn’t ‘joking’!!

This.

I get it - she can't even be nice to you at your wedding but thinks she's getting half of your house! Rude cow! These jokes about inheritance only work in families where there is genuine love and no one is really serious - this situation is not that!

I hope your will is nailed on, just in case you get hit by a bus and your dh gets the lot!

Buy out your husband so you can fully own the home and re-do your will. It. Is the only way.

If you are leaving something to her brother make sure to leave her a token amount, even if it is £100 or a small knick knack, to show that you have thought about her rather than missed her out 'accidentally'. I have heard of people being able to challenge wills on this basis when siblings have received something and they haven't.

I’m with you on this @OP.Sorry but she was down right out of order. I would have, with my sharp Caribbean background have said, “at a 60-40 / 70-30% ownership between your dad and I, there are many things that you do not know, Sweetheart”.

DH has already told one of our son’s who is on the cusp of being a teenager, “ close your eyes, as everything you now see will be your inheritance”, .

damn right out of order, you’ve been honouring her as a guest, and she dares to say such a thing? Many an aunt would have thrown her out , meal or no meal. Disrespectful. Aged 27 she needs to be making her own financial arrangements for a roof over her head, and not advertising to her boyfriend how much of a catch she is. She was embarrassed that her potential dowry is at question. Stand your ground @OP.
let DH know that she is more than welcome to visit, but don’t you go running around making beds and providing service at the Ritz, your DH needs to get that together, it is his daughter. Find some activity / friend / etc that will take you out of the house during the day when she is about. Done.

If he came into the marriage with little, can we assume his ex kept most of their marital home? Presumably as an only child she'll inherit that if her DM doesn't need it to fund care?

I don't think you were out of order OP. She's an entitled, nasty brat, and obviously didn't like her father remarrying.

On that note, and as a separate question, why do some women marry again if there are no plans to have children together, especially if their financial status is unequal? I'm widowed. If I did ever meet someone else (not looking and no real desire to), then I would never marry them. I just can't see the point.

She was “joking” that WHEN he is dead she will own half the house (she thinks) so OP shouldn’t get too comfortable.

Hilarious.

Thank you for this, it's made me chuckle!

IF you were to get divorced, what is in place to secure your share?

not just if you were to due (sorry 🌷)

shes 27, not 7, why does she think he went into your marriage with a significant amount of money & you have cheated him (her!!) out of it?

I found out many years later that my grandad left his estate including a house to another woman that had helped him in his shop over a long period and with his children owing to my grandmother’s mental health issues. They were still married at the time. I didn’t know you could do that. My grandad had 4 children.

I'm astonished that some posters didn't think that her initial comment was incredibly rude, I'd never have said something like that to my step-Mum, it was totally out of order. The updates confirm what an entitled madam she is, awful woman.

@ProudCat The situation you describe is exactly what my Dad and late step-Mum did, her family were her beneficiaries.