AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

You did over react but I would’ve put her straight and said actually your dads proportion of this house is very little, so I wouldn’t get too excited!

I came to quote exactly these same lines and say exactly the same thing: this is on you and your DH Op, not the SD's fault at all.

Using the fact you haven't got him sorted out as an excuse to resent her is totally illogical.

And @WallaceinAnderland is right: it is normal for children to inherit and it sounds to me as though it is you who has the issue with this.

It sounds like a foul dynamic.

... and I mean listing "making conversation" as one of the efforts or concessions on your part honestly says it all ...

Boyfriend's probably pissed off now too if they don't have other means of sourcing the deposit.
You have to be nicer to folks when you want to enjoy their resources.

@Calliopespa Hmm, I still think that the "joke" was incredibly rude and I can't imagine making it to my Dad and SM.

DSD has just fucked around and found out!

HNRTF but I think you have taken this comment the wrong way! My children are always joking about me spending their inheritance, hoping we don't go into a care home and use up their inheritance etc .It's just banter and nothing more sinister than that!

Yep-children inherit from their own parents. She will inherit 5% (or whatever) of the house-which is what he owns.

OP’s children will inherit what their mum owns.

The SD was just hoping that she’d get half of a house that her dad doesn’t own half of which is very cheeky.

She’s probably done herself out of a house deposit as well now by being so rude.

Do people not joke with their parents now?

Well the aibu is would it be ok not to have her to stay. My answer is yes, of course it would be. I'm sorry but I don't think an off joke warrants that at all.

Thinking about it further, it's probably a good thing this has come to a head before she's married or has children. She now knows the lay of the land. And hopefully now she's realizing that whatever she feels about her parents divorcing and remarrying - both of them - your money has nothing to do with any of that, and isn't relevant to her. She saw you as a mother for the bits she liked (hosting, being cooked for, having room made up for in lovely house she could come and go from at will, giving her loadsamoney etc), and disdained you for the bits she didn't (existing in her father's life). Not unusual for a teenaged stepchild, unusual in a grown woman. But she'll learn what it is to be a wife and a mother once she's lived a bit, whether or not she marries or has children of her own. We all do, eventually.

If I were your DH I'd be so upset to know my DD has such a low opinion of me as an individual, to suggest that my wife had stitched me up. Maybe she has him on a pedestal, maybe she really did think that he was the one who brought the most into this marriage, maybe she thinks he's thick. Well, she's been put right now and will have to adjust her expectations. That's fine. She has time and is being given distance to do so. Harsh new reality for her.

I cannot imagine saying something like that to my parents. I can't imagine joking about it or even assuming there will be an inheritance.

I think it depends on the family. Mine will regularly make jokes about inheritance. Dad can’t travel due to cancer so he’s joked that the cancer has stopped him spending all my inheritance jet setting so I’ll get more now (I would far rather he was spending it and living life). The dsd’s comment would be normal in my family and op’s reaction quite mad. The normal response in our house would be to reply “unless I leave it all to the donkey sanctuary… I do like donkeys!…” everyone chuckles.

Very good point above re stepdd getting inheritance from her mother also… Sensible to cool off now, if the ex/stepdd’s Mum is as decent as you say then hopefully she’ll set her straight. Personality wise though sounds like she’ll not want to take responsibility for what she’s said though so I wouldn’t expect things to be too rosy again….
That being said…. My epic stepdad offered to give dh & I a bridging loan years ago when we were moving - his kids were utterly supportive, it was one of my siblings who bizarrely kicked off…he told them it was none their business and we went ahead. I paid back all monies in 3 weeks… My sibling started speaking to me again about 6 months later. She was married to a super wealthy dude and it rather seemed she didn’t want us to be doing anywhere as well as her! Nowt as queer as folk when money’s involved!!

I think the difference, though, is that you don't mind the thought of them inheriting - and that is the real issue here, and it's why the comment blew the OP sky high.

”Stepmother, don’t get too comfortable in your own house because when Dad dies I will own his half.”

Great joke.

But this joke made in reverse from parents who joke about spending their kid’s inheritance doesn’t go down well either. It’s a mucky business and when you have money you can bet your arse there are always people (often your children) thinking of ways they can spend it better than you. How many threads have we had from adult children complaining about their parents spending their inheritance on holidays, cars and romance!🙄

The OP says that the stepdaughter daughter has made bitchy ‘jokes’ at her expense since their wedding. I would imagine this was the final straw.

Jokes aren’t jokes if they are not funny and are just repeated one-sided digs at another person, either.

Yes agree, different circumstances now I have read the op replies.

Yes I’m sure we all make jokes with our parents about “this will all be yours” etc. However, the sdd has only been in the ops life since she was 20! Definitely not long enough to be making stupid “jokes” about having half the house. The sdd needs to grow up

No wonder the poor mwn is one the whiskey!
Surrounded by dramatic women.

She's run and entitled and even after reading all the updates, I still think you massively overreacted and could have handled things better in a number of different ways.

Her subsequent overreaction still doesn't prove you were right.

She's entitled, dramatic and spiteful but your reaction played into her hands as painting you as the unreasonable stepmum.

You took the bait!
She's his daughter and he's never going to cut her off even if she's an awful person.
Your reaction has just given her amunition to add to her belief that her dad married an aeful person.

I would concern me if someone could wind me up do easily. Being right or wrong is irrelevant, being able to keep your emotions in check and rising to her is a real weakness.

For someone so 'inheritance minded', she's vastly overestimated her dad's contributions.

She's either thought:
Herr dad's wealthier than he is.
He's actually wealthy, but his money isn't in this property (🤔).
The OP was so in love, she'd forget to protect her assets.
The OP is an idiot who would see her children with smaller inheritances.
The OP is an idiot who will be disrespected, but still leave her a fortune...

I'd love to know her thought process.

No chance. Hell would freeze over first. But I have left her wonderful daughter the same as DSS. I have taken legal advice, not relied on MN!

But he doesn’t have a half!
So she won’t inherit a half!

Yes, me too.

To genuinely believe that her dad has been ‘trapped’ and the OP has ‘stitched him up’ suggests she doesn’t really understand how money or owning stuff works!!