AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

I would have rolled my eyes at the initial ‘joke’ and then asked DH to clarify the situation with his daughter at a later date and keep me out of it.

I’m not that surprised she made incorrect assumptions. People do it all the time.

Have just read your updates OP. She's not the brightest, is she? If she'd asked nicely for help, she might have got somewhere. As it is, she's burnt her bridges and hasn't got a boat. I feel sorry for your DH: at least you're not her parent.

havent read through the full thread but you massively overreacted

Well it sounds very black and white financially because all we know is ‘DH lives in house that is very mostly OP’s and was hers before they moved in’. Ok, fair enough. From that you would assume SD’s comments are outrageous and her concerns around her inheritance are wildly unjustified.

However we know absolutely nothing about the wider finances. If for example, it turned out her DH pays all day to day expenses and works, OP doesn’t, and he’s paid to keep her 2 DC over the years and take them on holiday and school trips - and SD didn’t get this - it doesn’t look so misplaced then does it?

This
And managed to ruin your fragile relationship, so well done ( not )

no, in such a case he has been used to cover many roles and has been cheated on from a house position he deserves. Fathering should give you 50% of a house

my so called step father met us when we were 25 and he did not father us

Sounds like she’s looking for clarification on how/if she will inherit from her father. He needs to be clear with you both how the will is written. Presumably if he does before you then he has considered what will happen with the property? I believe wills can be written in such a way to allow the spouse to stay in the property until they pass away and only then will any children inherit from the sale.

Well yes, it still does. It’s his money, not her inheritance. If he wants to invest it in a house his daughter won’t benefit from then he’s fully within his rights to do so. He’ll, he can just leave it to all to OP if he wants.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is sit back and let people show their true colours. That's exactly what she's doing here. She felt entitled to half your house and was stupid enough to comment as such. You actually don't owe her any explanation about what she may or may not inherit but since you've done so, she's got no right whatsoever for any commentary on it.

I'm curious,@BetLynchsEyes, why did he put less money into the house? Is it because of the divorce settlement he agreed with her mum? Will she not inherit from her mum's side of the family too?

Telling him to divorce you to get more money out of you is appalling. I feel very sorry for your DH knowing what a horrible person his child has turned out to be.

Where’s her other parent in all this? I’m just wondering if she’s had someone in her ear putting all this in her head, about getting half the house.

while none of it is nice, it’s clearly come as a shock to her too that she won’t be getting the inheritance she expected.

i think your approach of letting the dust settle is a good one. Also, it doesn’t sound like you’re remotely close to kicking the bucket just yet, so she’s probably got another 40 years at least to wait before needing to worry about it all.

@BetLynchsEyesI started to post earlier before your updates, got distracted and see things have moved on significantly.

I was going to say that I think you’ve had a hard time from some posters.

On face value you did over react in the moment, but without going into detail I understand what it’s like when you’ve faced years of “jokes” which are simply ill disguised barbs from someone who demands/expects a lot from you but treats you with an undercurrent of distain.

Going “nuclear” in the face of one incident can (without context) seem like you are being unreasonable. But actually it’s a pretty normal reaction to having to supress your responses for years, knowing the reaction will be to flip the blame back to you as “it was just a joke and look how much you’ve made me cry”.

Frankly there reaches a point where you just end up thinking “fuck it, I’m done with being treated like this”.

So even before the latest updates you had my sympathy.

In my day to day life I have zero tolerance for behaviour like this, but due to the situation (similar to your own) I too have faced the dilemma of brushing off/ignoring such comments/jokes rather than risk a major family blow up.

In my case I decided pretty early on to respond with phrases such as “if that was a joke, it wasn’t a good one and if it wasn’t….well you might want to have the balls to have a proper conversation about the point you are trying to make”. Unsurprisingly the “jokes” stopped after a a few rounds of this.

If I hadn’t I can see how this could have escalated.

Step mums get a lot of shit on MN. Can’t do right for doing wrong. Too involved or not involved enough. Not allowed to respond to shitty behaviour but suck up being treated in a shitty fashion.

From what you posted your husband’s daughter was an adult before you even married. Her expectation that she has a right to your assets through that relationship is ridiculous.

As for where you are now…well I’d suggest your husband has made his bed and can lie in it after years of ignoring her poor behaviour.

Let him “process” what is actually simply a reflection of her behaviour towards you - not so easy to brush off when he’s the recipient is it?

Then see what conclusions he comes to. Hopefully will take accountability for letting this situation evolve in terms of his lack of transparency towards his daughter and years of ignoring her behaviour towards you (which likely she took as tacit approval and set her mindset that it was ok to continue and also explains her expectations now that he’ll shaft you over - again - only in a much bigger way).

From what you describe it is the latest in a series of stupid (at best) comments. I am not surprised at your reaction.

I'd be tempted to ensure you have a will that donates what would have been her share to a charity or someone else.

You’re being ridiculous. It was a silly, crass comment but you wildly over-reacted.

I think she saw your family's wealth and in her ignorance of the law and how finances work, she thought she was in for a big windfall when her father died.

That is such an appalling attitude. And to be angry with him for putting her straight is such an immature reaction.

I do think he's indulged her over the years and allowed her to treat you badly. I hope this is a big wake up call for him now.

Woah. What a rude, avaricious, infantile person she is.

I don’t blame you for calling her out. Her track record suggests this is plain rudeness passed off as banter by both her and her Disney father.

However shocking it’s been, hopefully the scales have now fallen from his eyes and he can see the real her.

Don’t second guess yourself on this. She brought it on herself.

😂

When my DM remarried (as a widow) I had no expectation of anything from my wealthier DSF. Also, although my DH and I were just about making ends meet, we never asked for or expected any money. We just enjoyed his company and seeing DM very happy and that was all we needed.

“Don’t get too attached…” must have been aimed at OP, not her husband. It doesn’t make sense otherwise. How spiteful.

OP I have been in a similar situation and you have my sympathy.

Ouch. Clearly as much about your DH's second marriage as it is about money.

Yes, she needs time to calm down. Did you DH explain to her that your money is ringfenced for your children, his for her?

She's immature and has been labouring under a misapprehension.

I would scrupulously avoid any discussions about this. This is between your DH and his DD. You can't bring anything to this table. Sadly, she may find that by her actions she is bringing about the very thing she feared: him choosing between her and you.

So, has your DH told his DD that he only owns a small proportion of your house ?
And has he made a will and left that portion to her on his death?

Even with the context of the updates, you massively overacted. Even if she meant it, a crass comment can be dealt with much better than the way you did it.

And it's not her problem that you have done all the hosting work. That's on you for doing it on your own and for letting your DH get away with doing nothing.

Jealousy is pernicious and destroys everything around.

Maybe she doesn’t want a relationship with someone who is only after her money?

why did you over-react so much? Do you hate her that much? Are you that resentful your husband had a child before meeting you?

Normal reaction at most would be, ahem no, MY kids inherit from me, you inherit from your dad if he wants, don't be so silly.

I find your over-reaction so much worst than her stupid comment. It's not like she try to poison your tea! You sound like a total nightmare of a MIL - your OWN title to the thread is about "joking". Bad stupid joke ,not funny, but joke anyway, which didn't warrant so much hatred without a very deep back story.