AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

No it's not. It implies you're looking forward to your parents death do to greed. I don't see anything in common to joking about spending your own money.

in our case he left his first wife the whole house for free because the children were under 18

I don't think it's unreasonable she assumed wrong and thought the house was half her dad's. Nor is it wrong of her to want to be sure he wasn't taken advantage of in the structure of the house ownership. It's kind of unfortunate that the true position didn't come out earlier so it's now taken her by surprise.

I think you're right re allowing her some time to get her head around it.

House deposit wise: can her dad help from his own savings? Her mum? Are any of the mortgages not requiring a deposit any good?

I’m in full support of you @BetLynchsEyes and I would say your DH is absolutely whirling because he truly believed she was just saying things as banter or in jest and he’s now had the wool pulled firmly from his eyes by his own daughter so he can’t actually deny it!
what a selfish little madam!
I think you’ve handled it exactly as it should have been handled and now is the time for you and DH to take a step back and support each other - go out somewhere nice, or a meal. Don’t go over it, park it AND HER and hopefully once she’s got over her temper tantrum she’ll apologise (but don’t hold your breath) She’s 27 but sounds like a 14yr old!!!
💐

Does her Dad work? Nothing to stop him giving his DD money for a deposit.

Just read all your comments OP. Omg. I think you are right o let the dust settle YANBU. Have a whisky too 😄

Let the dust settle as you suggest.
You should stop doing all the work in preparing for her visits - DH does that now, you’ll be less resentful that way.
Perhaps her behaviour will be a bit better now she realises you aren’t ripping her DF off. You have many years of her being around - probably grandchildren at some point. Life moves on. You should all put this behind you once the dust has settled

I was in the ‘possible overreaction’ camp initially, but after reading the updates, I can see that the inheritance ‘banter’, wasn’t actually banter. DSD really has shown her true colours.

I agree, let the dust settle, and then just be civil and polite when she comes around. Kill with kindness, so to speak, but stop being such a dedicated host.

OMG - total over reaction on your part.

Everyone is bad about talking abut death and actually being able to mention is even in a light hearted flippant comment way is not a bad thing.

My DCS understand how my estate is divided up and my wishes and have done since they were 15/16. This came on the back of two grandparents dying in rapid succession and them seeing the fall out of one person not understanding what and how my parents had absolutely fairly divided the estate up.

Since doing that and this is in a blended family situation we have a very open conversation about monies. I flew business class and my eldest commented on me feeling flush and wasting monies, My flippant response was spending your inheritance before I go - dont want to leave you too much! We all laughed and moved on.

you over reacted at the time and are over reacting by banning her. What you do when she comes round is what any good host does irrespective of whos guest they are - you seem to want to keep tally

My DSD 24 (not too bright tbh) asked me " when dad dies where will you live?"

I asked what she meant
" well its dad's house so I'll inherit it and want to sell or move in."
Note: my husband and I have been married 21(nearly 22) years together since she was 14 months old (my husband is 13 years older) . WE bought the house together. Also I have a DS 25 and we have a DS 18 together.
I literally laughed and said so you dont think I own this house. To which she seemed confused. WE, husband and I, explained that it is our house and for her to inherit we both need to die, I'm only 45!
We then sat kids down and explained our will my half will be split between my DS25 and our DS18, his half between DSD24 and DS18. Her "so I get half, that's crap!"
DH "no you get a quarter" (face palm)

Both my boys are looking disgusted by now, and both are saving to buy their own homes and dont give a toss about money.

but she lives in rented and doesn't work.

Yep. Obviously stepdaughter has zero right to any of her stepmums money but this sounds like a wider issue than the house.

When I got with my partner his niece asked if they could have his house when he died. 🤣. She was very young though, but it showed me what was being discussed in their house. We put 50/50 into our current home.

It was just a throwaway joke. I think that you are (maybe subconsciously) looking for a way to avoid seeing your step daughter. You should apologise for overreacting and in future your partner should do more of the hosting work.

Have you read all OPs comments?!

@BetLynchsEyesbefore you even got to the gist of the post I’m sat here wondering why you’re ’hosting’ your step child irrespective of her age.

explain more, I don't have experience in this and my oldies are very secretive about their will, no POA etc...

Yeah it was the OP who overreacted. Not the 27 year old grown woman screaming and crying hysterically about not inheriting from her stepmum whom she has treated like shit for the past seven years and made jokes about.

“I asked him last night whether he has ever given her the impression that the house is half his. He said no, but then got defensive and said “she probably just assumed.” - so he never told her then.
It’s ridiculous anyway as you could end up in care and then nobody gets anything. She shouldn’t have said it, he doesn’t really owe her an explanation but given her ‘personality’ he should’ve told her.

What’s he done with his share of the last divorce? Why does she believe there is money? what happens to him if you die first?

My mum met her second husband just as I went off to university and remarried when I was 19. There’s no excuse just because she is 20. He was a lovely man. So sad that she can’t get on with you.

It was a stupid comment

you both over reacted

why are you doing all the house work - is there something wrong with your DH

Urgh, both the OP and the DSD sound like hard work and exhausting to be around.

OP seems to be easily offended, jumping on every infraction, stewing on it until she needs to use it against DSD

The DSD seems to be in some sort of arrested development and is still acting like a bratty teenager.

No wonder the DH is drinking alone in the garden….I would!

Huge over reaction

I hope he's drinking in the small part of the garden he owns.

😂

Why didn't you just explain the situation? That you own the majority of the house.