AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

I’m not a step mum but I had a step mum. I didn’t make assumptions about what my dad owned and actually she owned the marital home. When my dad died I did not expect half the house as I knew it was her home and her house. She’s still alive and when she dies I fully expect she will leave the house to her son. I wouldn’t expect anything at all.

My step mum is very close to me in age anyway so I’m not expecting her to die soon……and she has been “supported” by my dad”s very good pension which she will still get a proportion of probably for 40 years total!

And I don’t begrudge her a penny.

I think you made this weird.
You should've left it and talk to him privately

He needed to tell her for her own good.

If she continued to believe that she would be inheriting a goodly sum in the future, she would make financial decisions based on her expectations; possibly overstretching herself now, and then finding herself in the financial shit when a much smaller inheritance materialised.

Where do they live? How old are they? Who pays for them?

Not saying this is the case but it could turn out that DH pays for everything ‘because he lives in her house’. Which would look unfair to stepdaughter if he’s paying for her kids holidays, life expenses etc

I don't think he moved into OPs house. I think they bought it together with OP contributing a larger share

I think you can ask her on this thread.

I’m sorry but you don’t sound like a nice person. I think you massively overreacted. The only victim in this story is your husband, he has to deal with selfish wife and materialistic daughter. You both, OP and SDS are at fault. Why you keep talking about your home like is only your home? It’s also your husbands, doesn’t matter how much each of you put. I would be mortified if my husband was talking about our home that way. And to tell the girl she is not welcome in the house to see her dad, and the scene in front of her boyfriend…wow. She has no filter but you have no shame as well. I hope your husband finds his own way to happiness without both of you bossing him around.

She probably won’t reply. If she does I’ll happily concede!

Presumably he didn’t own a house before he met and married you so why does that think you would just give him half of yours?! She clearly thought that was the arrangement!

What percentage of the house does he own? How much of a deposit was she asking for and does he have that sort of money independently?!

However I don’t think you should say she’s not welcome in the house. It is her dad’s home. By all means stop playing hostess so well. Or go out when she comes over but if he wants her to come over then she should be able to.

It’s the sort of comment an adult child would say to their father. You were way over the top but it’s done now. Not sure there is any way of coming back from it though - your husband is in a difficult situation.

Plus are you ‘hosting’ when she’s a member of the family (albeit his family)? Do people really host their adult children?

You definitely overreacted. She wouldn't be the first child to joke about inheriting the parental home, and yes you would be unreasonable to try to prevent her from staying because of it.

If nothing else, at least her outburst will have shown her up to be the person she is underneath her “I’m joking” mask

Hopefully he will shut down any more attempted digs in the future. Although that doesn’t erase the fury and the hurt 😞

Then that’s on the SD, the whole thing is stupid and has spiralled after a joke. Ridiculous.

Op, why haven’t you told your lazy-arsed DH to do the cooking and prepping in the past? Now it will just look petty when you down tools. And yes, you completely overreacted to a comment that from what you say doesn’t sound unusual from her. Her overreaction since sounds like a response to being made to look foolish in front of everyone. Most children would assume their parent and new spouse had 50/50 in their new property I would think. Unless they’d gone from renting a flat into a large luxury house.

Now you are getting my attention...because my mum bought the house, but he worked a lot on it and gave her all his pension and she made him work and he does housework also

She probably won’t want to come again anyway. I wouldn’t in that situation where my SM went batshit about a throwaway comment.

The comment was akin to those who say ‘I’m spending the kids’ inheritance’ - people are looking into it waaaaaaaay too much

Sounds like she resents you for marrying her father, and you obviously resent and dislike her.
However you are in the parental role and she is the "child" so I think the onus is on you to be the more mature, and to be the peace maker. I don't think this is really about the money, but more about what it represents to her, which is her father's affection and love. She is scared she has lost that to you. She may be 27 but she is still his child.
When a parent dies , or divorces, or remarries, it can have a profound effect on the emotions of the child. Even if they are grown up. So be kind.

Her father's finances are none of her concern, though I agree he should have been clear about the inheritance.

I assume, as there are no references to the OP's children being present at the shouty meal, they are old enough to be elsewhere, either at university or living independently.

When husband dies will half go to SD and half to you?

Why did she say this?!

This has also happened in our family - he moved into her house, but then saw it as fair that he worked and paid all the bills as ‘it’s her house and she’s doing me a favour by letting me live in it’.

Which is actually fine but again it means she was accruing the value in her house for her adult children. He left nothing as all his cash had gone on her and her kids and feeding/keeping them, holidays etc

Again we don’t KNOW this is true here, but I have a feeling there’s a bit more to this than meets the eye.

I’m in the same position as your DSD here, and while it was thoughtless it is true if your DH has provided for her as he should

You sound like the step daughter!

It would be wrong to assume that married couples-especially those who have come to the marriage with very unequal finances, would own the house 50/50. Why would anyone think that half of the OP’s money should go to her new husband’s grabby daughter.

She genuinely believed half this house and some of my family's money was her dad’s and therefore eventually hers. Now she has found out that isn’t the case, she’s furious and wants him to divorce me

She's actually done you a kind of favour in showing herself up so clearly, but what a shame that your DH is upset for himself but apparently didn't care so much when it was you getting the unpleasantness

Maybe she'll calm down or maybe she won't, but at least that's the end of her expecting help from you for a deposit (and the start of her having to fend for herself)