AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Interesting update.

The law only considers equal ownership in cases of divorce. The person with the higher % still owns that higher %in full while married. When it comes to divorce 50/50 is the starting point for negotiations.

When it comes to death. That's down to what is in the individuals latest will unless it predates the marriage.

Google Tenants in Common. That will explain it quicker than I can.

Mean-spirited my ass. She's just plain mean. A mean, grabby, entitled cow; who is having a hard time accepting her place.
She'll soon start being 'kinder' to you once thos fully settles and she realises no deposited is forthcoming; or she'll go fully nuclear in her resentment.
Her dad's in for a bumpy ride.

Why is he shell shocked?

He caused this by his completely misleading comment about paying off the morgage.

HE misled her with his bullshit and lies.

He hasn't paid off diddly squat.

OP, it's very strange that you cannot see that HE caused this with his misleading remark.

This leads me to think that it is more than possible that he has been bullshitting her for years.

She may be very rude and entitled, but how much of that is through her listening to him feeding her tales of all his money?

I don't think she needs to know how much of a house she might inherit at her age. That would likey be decades away. The house might be sold, etc.

So she’s not just an arsehole but a money grabbing arsehole at that.

Let her sulk.

why women with money marry these men

Wow what a little bitch! I read the first post and I thought you’d overreacted but reading the rest of it, no, this woman is poisonous. Although I’d have gone about it differently and calmly smiled when she said it and commented “it’s not his to pass on to you, babe” and carried on eating my chicken. Then I’d have reacted to the hysterics with faux sympathy and asked if she needed a lie down.

Doubt your husband will want to cut off his nose to spite his face by divorcing you. I wouldn’t really ban her as such but I’d stop doing anything for her and would act unbothered but keep giving her pitying looks or little winks to remind her that you’re the one with the cash and she’s just fucked up any chance of getting her hands on anything.

Hello, DSD!

Why should the OP leave her money to a step daughter? One who was an adult when they got together? One who talks to her like this? I’m sure her husband can leave his own money to his daughter just like he would have done if he hadn’t married the (wealthier) OP. Why do you assume he’s supported the OP’s children? OP sounds like she can support her own kids.

Dsd sounds money orientated. No child should assume they will inherit half a house. Does she realise the cost of illness and care. Her comments over the years particularly at the wedding show she has issues with him remarrying. I think he should have picked her up on the little comments way before now then this would not have blown up. I think perhaps going forward he needs to be more honest. It was an easy assumption for her to make but she is being selfish and should not have said it aloud.

As I understand it the difference is death or divorce. It is a matrimonial asset ...a matrimonial home so on divorce the court would start on the basis of 50/50 irrespective of who is on the title . I don't think you can ringfence your share even if you are the one who contributed most financially to the house...as how would that eg be fair to women who stay at home with kids. But on death you can leave your assets to whoever by will ... however as said by a poster the spouse could make a claim they have not been reasonably financially provided for

Try reading properly. It might help you with your understanding.

I agree but I also have a gut feeling there’s a part of the story we’re not being told here.

So OP’s DH moved into her house and has a minority share. What are the other finances like? Does he/she earn? Who pays for the day to day things? Does OP have kids? Where do they live?

What the stepdaughter said was vile but I’ve been a stepdaughter at the end of my rope and had a similar explosion (justified) many years ago.

I think you've massively overreacted OP.

It sounds like your DSD made what I would say is a fair assumption that her Dad owned half the house, and made a joke about it. Some people are okay with dark/dry humour - DSD clearly got her audience wrong.

You've clarified your DH doesn't own half the house. He obviously hasn't told his daughter - so she wasn't to know her joke was "wrong"! It's probably why she got so upset (though agree it sounds OTT), as you've got your wires crossed.

I do think it's a lot harder to be in your DSD's position rather than your own DCs position. By that I mean she is related to your husband, not to you. Women tend to be more proactive/better at organising get togethers/making their own kids feel welcome in their home with their new partner, whereas men don't think to include their children from their previous relationship as much - so she might feel left out/forgotten by her father as it is. Being told that she won't inherit half the house (without the context of the ownership split between you and DH) would probably lead her to assume you both valued her less than your DC somehow.

Why did he need to tell her about the house sitch? That was unnecessary

You don’t like her and she doesn’t like you so don’t talk to her. You can’t ban her from the house and even though we all know you own the bigger share it’s still you husbands home.

@Surcare either you are the stepdaughter or you haven't read the last couple of posts made by the OP

Baffles me. In this case, the OP must have seen the hostility from his daughter.

I think it's a positive development, tbh.

Given the age gap, the odds are higher that you'll survive him. And her awfulness right now would have been all flung at you when you were grieving.

Her father explaining clearly now - hopefully many decades before his eventual death - makes it harder for her to twist things and kick off in the future when you don't need it.

You know where you stand. She's a brat, but he's got your back.

and what your husband brought to your life, dear OP? Did he bring any money at all? Do you feed him also?

Silly, money grabbing, nasty girl. I’d be utterly furious if my DSD said something like that (she wouldn’t), never mind the follow up she said to your DH.
Her entitlement is off the scale!
But, your DH should have pulled her on this years ago. “Current wife”? WTAF? My DH would have torn a strip off his DD for that.

First & only post ? Hmmmmm.

Sigh. The OP HAS explained that she had two children already.

I’m also interested in the wider finances. Stepdaughter sounds like she would also have a side of the story to put across.