AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

DH is so upset and mortified at her reaction. He's just shell shocked really.

We really don't know what to do from here. I think the best thing is to just let the dust settle and take stock of the situation.

I knew deep down she resented me but I didn't think she genuinely thought that she was entitled to money from me. Needless to say there is no way I'll be helping with a deposit now. That's a hard no from me.

@MaryBeardsShoes always helpful to read a full thread, or at least the most recent update from an OP...

I think you need to make sure your own DC are fully aware of the money grubbing cow bags intentions, just in case you and DH die together.

Your DH possibly knew she would behave this badly when she found out he had less money than he had led her to believe? Otherwise why not be transparent? Shameful behaviour from her.

She'd made a very big assumption that she'd inherit half the house. I think it's a good thing that she now knows the truth about ownership now. Better to be disappointed in your 20s than in your 60s when you find out your retirement pot doesn't exist.

I suspect she was showing off to new boyfriend. I'd leave it and if/ when she calms down welcome her back into your home. Your DH came with a daughter, and all the drama that step children (and children) come with. It's easier to forgive and forget than hold grudges forever more.

I think her comment was a misjudged 'joke' and you have completely over-reacted. It's clear from your tone that you don't like her and you've obviously made her feel that way too.

There's now a much bigger issue of your own making.

She sounds a vert entitled madam

OP and her husband are a married couple. It's their home.

Is it that hard not joke about your parent dying as an only child?

But he also keeps saying she is “shocked” and “needs time to process it.”

Shocked & time to process what though?

That someone from a wealthy family had more money to put into a house & the wherewithal to protect that money?

She's a bit stupid isn't she?

@ForDucksSake read the penultimate posting by the OP and see if you still think that

She sounds entitled, manipulative and, frankly, vile. I think you did the right thing, OP, in calling her out on it, especially in light of your update.

urgh the daughter is giving me the ick. She’s a grown woman carrying on like this. Ewww. If she wants money she needs to work for it, end of.

Read the updates and you will see that your comments are ill judged

The suggestion to write to the DSD and copy in the solicitor who wrote your wills for their file is a good one. If there is a dispute, the solicitor would be able to provide this information to the courts assuming you have signed a form to allow this.

Apologies OP, I didn't see your update. I was totally off the mark with my post. Please accept my apologies..

I think your over reacting it's a stupid comment but sounds non malicious. Get your partner to do more when hosting.

I can't speak for the OP, of course, but I can explain what happened to my husband.

He and his ex agreed not use lawyers. Mistake.

Their house was valued by a friend of hers...The rest is fairly predictable.

DH got half of the value. Not enough to buy his own place. Two years later, his ex sold that house for almost double the value estimated by the friend.

DH was persuaded to take out an endowment mortgage at precisely the wrong time, and couldn't pay it off. He was nearly 50 at the time.

I'd be clear that woman does not set foot in my house again and like fuck would I be giving her so much as a pound for a trolley. Nasty, money grabbing little bitch.

I know you didn’t want to make the OP too long but that context is important.

That comment in isolation seemed like a joke and like you massively over-reacted but there’s a pattern of making snide comments to you.

Some of them are a bit funny as an outsider but unnecessary and mean, especially at your wedding.

She very clearly dislikes/resents you as is her right but she has to respect you in your home.

Don’t ban her from the home but definitely let her dad do all the running and making it nice. Tough shit if he won’t.

He does also need to set her straight on the house situation. It’s not ok for her or you to be left revealing this after he’s dead if he dies first.

OP, how do you ringfence home ownership proportions when you're married? As I understand it, the marital home is equally owned by both spouses. I didn't think it was legally possible for one spouse to say, for example, "I own 70 percent and my spouse owns 30 percent." If you die first, how do you make sure that, say, 70 percent of the house goes to your children and not DSD, if your husband is the one left standing?

So sorry didn't read the update 😞

Perhaps your husband has learnt that it’s not a good idea to talk about being mortgage free, especially not to someone who’d like a leg up in the shape of help with deposit, either gifted or a loan

Perhaps your husband has learned that he should have been clearer about his share of the equity.

Perhaps you should be clearer that he should step up with the hosting, regardless of who the guest is.

And step daughter needs to have things v carefully explained to her, in words of one syllable.

Meanwhile, give everyone a bit of space. Don’t add any fuel to the fire

there is part of me that thinks the OPs initial reaction was an overreaction - personally I’d have just swung round at the dinner and said “well half of your dads share anyway - which isn’t half the house since it was largely bought with my/my families money” - lots of families joke about inheritance - doesn’t mean they are waiting for the person to die. There were ways of responding which would calmly have set the record straight without jumping to the conclusion she just wants you dead 🙄
That being said sounds like she has form for bratty and rude behaviour so obviously this was just the last straw.

also you need to stop “hosting” your DH family - he should be pitching in with the cleaning, bedding towels (which is hardly a mammoth undertaking anyway) and the food shop and cooking