AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

I don't think you're out of line at all op, especially after reading about all the prior incidents. It's ridiculous that she dishes it out but then brings out the fake tears so she never has to be held accountable.

If you had a great relationship foundation it might be different, but you don't. It's not sincere well intentioned banter.

I don't think the issue is that she is a bad person or being unpleasant to you. The issue is that you wait on her hand and foot, which you resent, and her dad has never really spoken to her about his relationship with you and his finances and she made some assumptions. Its not really a big deal, she'll get over it. Not worth banning her from the house for.

@LBFseBrom probably because you've not read the full thread

This!

I doubt that.

What an entitled, spoilt bratt!!
I take it shes also tapping her mother up for her future inheritance from the maternal side too?
I hope your husband now leaves anything he owes to a charity just to teach her a bloody lesson the gold digging cow!
Let's also hope her partner has seen her for her true colours before he becomes trapped too! I bet she's made sure he and his family have deep pockets before committing to that relationship......

The update, fucking hell!
So all the barbed comments were not "just banter" or her "sense of humour". She meant every bit of it and she's really shown her true colours now.

I can't believe she went off on one and wanted him to divorce you so that she he can get half your assets. Grabby McGrabface.

Why on earth did she think she was getting half the assets that were yours before marriage. Even if you had joined everything equally on marriage you have 2 kids and he has 1!

I wonder what will happen with her house deposit request now. I'm sure you won't be inclined to chip in. Will her dad?

Just to triple cover everything off, if your husband is willing it would be beneficial if he does email her at some point and confirm their conversation in writing, so that intent is indeed in writing to her.

This could and should be shared with you and your children once sent, just in case the worst happened and you both died in an accident together and she challenged the estate. It would just make it easier for your own children - nobody wants to go through a hideously expensive will challenge least of all grieving step siblings. It makes it very, very difficult for her to make a claim that she believed she would be ‘looked after’ from the estate or such nonsense. Not that I think she would win it but the earlier things can be headed off at the pass, the less expense your kids would have in dealing with.

It sounds to me like the real issue here is your resentment of doing all the hosting labour. Which is totally justified, but it's your DH you should be resentful of, not his DD. She made a crass comment and it touched a nerve for you because you're sick of doing all the work when you aren't close. I don't think it's reasonable to ban her from visiting, but I think it's 100% reasonable to stop doing any of the labour involved in hosting (even if you and DSD got on like a house on fire, it should be her father doing that anyway).

Aren’t families supposed to be able to feel at ease with each other and be themselves?
I would hate to have the sort of family where at I had to watch what I say in case it offended anyone.
Poor girl, I don’t suppose she wants to stay with you but it’s the only way to see her father, who actually knew she was joking and wasn’t offended.

Wow. She really was bottling up a lot of expectation tinged with venom. So sorry for your poor OH. He must be feeling very shocked at the revelation of her resentment of your marriage and financial agreements.

I had this situation in my family. Second marriage, woman owned the property (worth quite a bit) and was always very clear that it would go to her adult children (not in a mean way, just in a pragmatic way) and no one had an issue with it. However, this did mean that the man (our relative) didn't pay anything towards the upkeep of the house (obviously, he paid bills) and he did tons of work on it himself (his time his choice). The net result is that he actually had savings when he died and those weren't shared with her children.

Read the update!

Yes. My husband's ex moved her 3rd partner in with her. A lawyer drew up an agreement to say that he could live in the house after she died, but that it was willed to her kids. (She outlived him.)

Very good suggestion.
So she can never express surprise at a later date.
A copy to be given to your solicitor for your file.
Let your children know too.

Very sound advice here @BetLynchsEyes

YABU

I think you over reacted

Sorry I should have read the update before posting! I stand by my comment though that you shouldn't be the one doing all the hosting work.

On the plus side, I very much doubt you'll have to host her again.

Silver linings!

((hug))

Hope you’re ok Bet (and Mr Bet). Sounds like she had expectations and has been gleefully counting the days. It also sounds like she still has toddler tantrums. I’m very pleased that you have been sensible and had legal agreements drawn up. I also think the idea of emailing her is very good. (Your DH can couch this as paternal concern.)

Sorry this happened and good luck.

Sorry hadn't read your update. Sorry to your partner op, this is very saddening.

I can't help feeling the fault for much of this lies with your DH. He obviously needs to be doing the work of cooking and cleaning when his adult child visits, and it's ridiculous that he hasn't been completely upfront with a 27 year old that she would not be inheriting half of a house that he only owns a small share of.

I think you overreacted hugely to the original comment, and I think you did it because of years unnecessarily bending yourself out of shape with someone you dislike, and who dislikes you. Step-parent relationships can be really awkward, and often work best, when established after childhood, when they're very hands off. When the parent is allowed to do the parenting work alone (obviously with the other parent, if living).

All you needed to say to the original comment was to look at your DH and say 'I think you're overdue a conversation about inheritance.'

Good God. You overreacted then she overreacted. Take the higher ground and walk it back.