AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

So? Your kid isn’t his.

Huge difference making it to your parents that know you love them.
Huge difference.

I think it is weird people comparing it to saying to their birth parents.

Saying it to your father in the presence with his second wife of 7 years is weird and antagonising.

Also I think it was a very weird flex from him.
He hasn't paid off any morgage, if he only owns a fraction of the house.

I cannot imagine many people bullshitting like this in company, much less when it clearly isn't the truth.

So not only is he a bullshitter, he's a liar.

You have chosen very poorly OP.

Also why are you the house skivvy?
Even for his adult child?

I can never understand why for some women its a man at any price.

The digs at your wedding were outrageous. I can see why you finally snapped back at her.

What do you mean by ringfenced?

Meh. Seems nobody was laughing and a 27 year old was having a toddler tantrum..if that's you're idea of a joke you should pal up with OPs DD.

She will presumably inherit her father's share. Unless the house is fully yours, it seems like a fair comment...

Just confirms unfortunately what I said: she is mean and he's been avoiding tha fact for years.

She's entitled and self centred and mean. It's never been banter. It's vileness.

And here it is on full display finally and her dad can't unsee it.

Aye.

Like the OP, I was younger than my husband and I did eventually become his carer. The age difference meant that I was the breadwinner.

TBH, I would have left some of my assets to the step-grandchild if I'd been treated a bit more kindly. The wake-up call for me was the day that my SD's partner had a drink and complained to me about the ex's partner's failure to leave any money to the grandchild.

Well, that changes everything. I cannot believe he told you everything that was said, so I bet there is more (and worse). He will forgive her because she is his daughter. You don't have to, and nor should you. Although, she clearly had no idea of how much money had before he met you, and also how much money you put into the property in which you both now live.

Only it's not his fucking house. The OP has the nerve to own the majority as she paid the majority. Yup. Who knew a woman could have her own assets. And indeed be uppity enough to own more than the man. How dare she! Stone the witch!

Yes, not sure why I got quoted when this is only in reference to OP's post.

@BetLynchsEyes wow. Just wow.

it’s all looking a lot clearer to you know huh!

step back. Both of you. She’s been appallingly rude and nasty to you for years and it’s got to stop.

@BetLynchsEyes your H must be SO ashamed of her.

This is exactly why my advice was NOT to tell her anything that isn't her business. I saw this coming a mile off just from the few posts you made earlier.

She's absolutely vile.

After your most recent update, I'd be saying she's absolutely not welcome in the house again. If your DH wants to continue a relationship with someone that could speak so appallingly about his wife, he can do so at her place or on neutral ground. I'd be having absolutely no contact or involvement with her again.

What a grotbag. How's her campaign for a house deposit going?

Fuck me, OP! That’s quite the update. What a shitshow. I feel very sorry for your DH. It must be awful to realise that your own child is not a nice person (to say the least).

I think your initial reaction has probably triggered a lot of this, but it is good to see that dh has stood up for you and laid things out clearly to her.

Her reaction is probably more about saving face. Give her time to calm down.

But ultimately play the next step carefully. I wouldn't say anything negative about any of this to him or you could trigger more of an issue.

I’m asking because it’s very odd that for a couple in their 40s or even 50s one of that couple came to the marriage without the funds to buy a house jointly, so had to get a mortgage. I’m interested to know what happened when he got divorced in terms of a financial settlement,

I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. It is your home and she needs to learn that.

I agree.

Cold, hard, transactional. No warmth, what a way to live.

Wow.

What was his living situation when you got married? Renting?

I would have chipped back with a, “It’s all going to the cat’s home.” Left her wondering.

Quite!
@BetLynchsEyes I had to ask my husband to have the same conversation with his children. No unpleasantness beforehand but I felt they should know the set up well in advance. It hadn't occurred to him it might be a problem when one of us snuffs it. 🙄 It's all sorted and understood now. I have every sympathy with you.