AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Surely if they have liferent to house, therefore somewhere to stay and as a consequence of the liferent no liability for repairs etc. And also have their own pension and some savings then there could be no claim as they are financially sound?

@BetLynchsEyes you are absolutely right to draw this line in the sand. My adult DSD wouldn’t dream of behaving towards me like this. Yours isn’t even giving you basic civility. Well done for having strong and justified boundaries.

It may not be a small proportion though depending on the eventual length of the marriage.

You could at least read all the OPs posts even if you couldn’t be bothered to RTFT……….

There could be no claim yes if they have a life interest, but it isn’t guaranteed, it depends on the overall size of estate, length of marriage etc.

Based on just the first post I'd say you overreacted. Having read the full thread with lots of extra information, it seems more like there's cheeky fuckery going on by the stepdaughter but that much should have been said/explained before now about your living arrangements and finances.

Agree with this. From the first post I was prepared to say she’d made an ill judged comment and seemed suitably sorry. But the stuff she said at the wedding was worse! Really your dh should have pulled her up about it soon after the wedding day. Has she been a bit of a spoilt brat? Is her mum still alive and bitching about you in the background?

It’s his house. He’ll leave it to my DS. He has plenty enough to cover his care needs regardless. The house won’t need to be sold for care

YANBU! When she makes these barbed comments she knows exactly what she is doing, particularly the ones she made on your wedding day.

This. I could hardly read your OP without cringing 🫣 it’s the sort of joke I made at my parents who thankfully had a sense of humour.

She sounds envious of you and perhaps angry with her Dad.

Not sure how the split happened with DSD and her M&D but perhaps that's somewhere in the mix.

Her anger at you, is actually anger with him, for the way he behaved perhaps towards her Mum?

Difficult to say as you don't give enough background. What are his financial circumstances, what are yours? Are you much better off? you can see how jealousy could arise...

One thing I would say though is you need to let him do the hosing. His family, his energy. Stop playing waitress and hostess. He needs to step up, otherwise, why bother with him?

Both the OP and the daughter are being completely ridiculous. Do people really overreact like this in real life? I hope this poor man leaves his house to a donkey sanctuary!

If you rtft, you wouldn’t like her EITHER 😂

Yes she is. Read the OPs updates and you'll see the OP owns the vast majority of the house. The DSD will only inherit her father's assets not her step-mum's assets. Seems fair. After all some misogynists on here are wetting their knickers excitedly in anticipation that the evil SM who they believe is always trying to steal off the children will get their just comeuppance, like they do in fairy tales. No intelligent thinking that just maybe the woman (even a step mum) might have her own wealth and assets and that the bewildered, bewitched innocent dad might be the poorer partner in the relationship. And in those cases accusations suddenly turns from screams of gold digger into screams of Scroogy McScroogeface not giving all your wealth to the poor lambs. The woman is always in the wrong.

My husband's daughter made a joking comment to me about organising my funeral for me whilst I was still in the middle of making the arrangements for my husband's, on top of another few crass remarks.

The comments were made over the phone, during lockdown and I'd had to do everything on my own. The kids chose not to risk travelling during lockdown.

I managed to bite my tongue, but exploded later. I'd say that it was better that the OP lost her temper when she did and that conversations about inheritance are being had.

I think that my husband's kids got a shock when their cheques arrived - it was a month before they were cashed. I was under the impression that they knew that I owned my house outright and that I'd paid off most of everything else, but that seemed not to be the case. With hindsight, that should all have been made clear earlier.

There is a back story, but I'll not give it all here at the moment, other than to say that I was not the OW and that the kids were adults when their parents split. I was never a stepmother and it was made clear that I wasn't allowed to be a step-grandmother.

When the OM died, there was a complaint that he'd not left any money to the grandchild "He should have done, since they called him 'Grandad'."

Given what the OP has said in her later post, I'd say that it's better if the daughter realises the financial situation now rather than later.

Why were you able to pay a greater amount for this house than your DH?
If your DH decides to divorce you what you paid will be irrelevant, it will be considered a joint asset, and if he’s considerably older than you may even get more than half the equity, have you considered that?

Why on earth would he leave it to your DS and not his own real children?

I am commenting on the OP's situation, not yours.

Not if it's ringfenced, which it sounds like it is.

Also why are you asking why she was able to pay more towards the house - not everyone has the same amount of money?

Okay, so he's in the garden drinking a whiskey and trying to calm down. I've come in to grab a glass of wine and get my bearings.

In a nutshell, he told her calmly that her comment about inheriting half the house was not accurate, and that the house is not owned 50/50. He explained that I own most of it and his share is much smaller, which is all set out properly in paperwork we drew up with our solicitors.

Well, she has reacted very badly to this.
Apparently she started crying and shouting he had “chosen me over his own daughter.” Then she said I had “stitched him up” and that he needed to get legal advice because I had clearly “trapped him” into owning less than he should. DH told her that wasn’t true. He said the arrangement was fair because most of the money came from my previous house, and that he knew exactly what he was signing at the time.

She then said, “Well maybe you should divorce her then, before she takes the rest.” I honestly don’t even know what to say to that. She went on to say that because my "family is loaded" he needs to get what he can and not let her be cheated out of her inheritance.

So this is no longer about one stupid joke, is it?

She wasn’t joking. She genuinely believed half this house and some of my family's money was her dad’s and therefore eventually hers. Now she has found out that isn’t the case, she’s furious and wants him to divorce me.

DH is very upset. To be fair to him, he did shut it down and told her that our marriage was not up for discussion. But he also keeps saying she is “shocked” and “needs time to process it.”

She hung up on him and he was left reeling.

Rest assured we are not getting divorced. Apart from this issue our relationship is solid and we plan to grow old together.

What a mess.

yes, same. On its own it's a clumsy remark/silly joke, in context (and particularly given she's actually completely wrong about being in line to inherit any of it) it's completely inappropriate.

It sounds to me like you've got a few different issues.

1. DH not sticking up for you
2. 'D' SD being repeatedly rude and then turning it around when anyone challenges her
3. DH giving SD the impression that he owns half the house and she is in line to inherit it
4. DH not doing any work to help when she visits.

I think your plan going forward is completely fair - you're not banning his daughter from the house, but equally you don't need to apologise to her or make any special effort with her going forward.

To be honest I think you've tried enough. She's an adult too, she's as responsible for creating a good relationship as you are and she clearly isn't bothered so why should you be? It's pretty clear that if DH dies before you, you probably won't have any ongoing relationship with her after, which is fine, but he needs to clarify now that she also won't be getting any of the house particularly if you're still living in it!

This probably works because she's your mom and you likely love /share a good relationship.
The OP says her SD 'tolerates her'... Not a relief strong enough for those silly jokes. She's learnt that now.

I don't understand why people remarry in situations like this. But many do so..

OP, on the surface your reaction does seem a bit of an overreaction. But it' is clear that resentment exists from both sides. I personally would stop behaving like a half board hostess when she visits, and be light and breezy to her caustic comments going forward.

Though, this so-called banter over inheritance is not something I have ever encountered. It is neither funny or has comedy value in most situations I can think of.

The DD of your DH sounds a bit dim, even if manipulative.

It's not a set up I would want to be part of tbh.

read my previous comment, they will inherit from other sources from his estate and their mothers.

Jesus @BetLynchsEyes she’s really shown her true colours. At least you can drop the rope in respect of seeing her now.