AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

@BetLynchsEyes

Did you make your will before or after your marriage, because if before, then your previous will may no longer be valid. See article.

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2018/how-does-marriage-affect-your-will/

She sounds a piece of work and I think you were right to call her out but you went about it the wrong way and should have put her straight by saying "oh DH have you not told your daughter that you only own X% of the house as we agreed you would?"

Hope your DH is ok as his daughter has shown him her true colours. You don't need her in your life with that attitude.

The house is a martial asset. OP might get away with arguing that she gets a bigger share, but by the time the court rules either way she’ll have likely sunk tens of thousands in legal costs too

Rtft

she won’t inherit the majority

and tbh, she doesn’t have to inherit ANY of it if this is how she is treating them both.

Sometimes you see peoples true colours even your own children he may be experiencing that now she has found out he doesn’t own half x I hope he/you are ok x

Are you talking about your own situation? If so he may or may not have been put on the deeds. That would state his current share (or not) of the house. If he currently owns a % as tenants in common then he will still own that % after your mum's death. If he and your mum are joint tenants then he will own the entire house on her death.
However things get complicated as your mum has married him. And unless she has made a will leaving her children her assets since then (or wrote a will in anticipation of the marriage) then he is likely to inherit her assets.

It is only a joke if everyone is laughing. Given OPs updates SD sounds mean.

But I don't hold back. Most likely I would have unmade the beds and done whatever I pleased for the rest of the visit. (Because I'm petty - two can play at "mean girls")

Thank you, I hi jacked it a bit but not much

I've had similar comments over the last 30 years from DH's daughter. She's wrong too. The house is mine. And when I die several charities will do well. DH is on end of life care so won't inherit. DSS is getting a chunk though. I've redone my will in the last few months.

Having a mean streak and making continual snide comments disguised as a joke will have consequences. DH has supported me all through this. It saddens him that I have felt I had to do this but entirely sees why.

It’s only a good joke if everyone’s laughing. It’s perfectly possible to misjudge a joke with the best of intentions.

You raised interesting issues while we wait on OP updating us on phone call! . Maybe you should check land registry to see exactly what is on title to your mums house...has she included him . Also ..would she let you see her will ?

In light of her previous behaviour, I don't know why you didn't take the opportunity to correct her assumption by breezily telling her the majority of the house is yours and will be inherited by your children. It's true, fair and would have been more difficult to twist into a narrative of you being the wicked stepmother.

Yeah and the very thin edge of a very long wedge

tipping point reached.

DSD “jokes” by quipping bitchy remarks… my DP Dd is similar but even more covert.

eventually you snap. And assuming she’s taking half @BetLynchsEyes house would be more than enough

my dp dc won’t get a single brick of our house. It’ll be 100% mine for my DS. His kids will inherit from other sources AND their mothers

This isn’t what the OP is saying. she knows her OH has a claim on a small proportion of the house and I expect she has made her Will arrangements to reflect and explain this.

Thanks but I pay a very good lawyer so I will take their advice over a random on the Internet.

Wow you over reacted. You clearly don’t like her. It was a joke.

Oh dear. But it sounds as though this conversation needed to be had, and better to be now than after a future funeral when everyone is emotional.

Fair enough. But if you were to die first have you provided a liferent that he can stay in house til his death/ carehome?

YANBU
With your subsequent update about them coming over asking for money for a house deposit, I'd say she's well and truly shot herself in the foot now. I would ban her visiting/staying and reconsider that if there is a genuine heartfelt policy forthcoming, which I doubt will happen.

My dad used to constantly joke about spending out inheritance/saying he’d take any gifts out of the inheritance etc.

this feels like a sense of humour mismatch rather than anything else.

(when he died he left it all to my mum his wife which had been totally agreed. Didn’t stop both of us joking about it while he was alive)

DSD of yours sounds awful and melodramatic. Well done for calling her out on her comments. 👍

Sounds like you have been waiting for her to "put a foot wrong" in order that your resentment can be let out and that YOU feel justified in doing it. Talk about an overreaction on your part.

And then you give the full picture. What a waste of everyone's time who commented BEFORE you then let on that the house was mostly yours. 🙄

Her comment was a bit tactless. Was it said in a light hearted joking way at all? Either way I would have made a joke of it by saying something along the lines that I might sell the house and spend the money myself. I certainly would not have caused a row about it.

There may have been an element of real expectation behind the ‘banter’ of her inheriting half the house. Many a true word said in jest, and all that.

She came over with partner to discuss being given a cash sum for a house deposit. Looking at the sums, any future potential inheritance may be in their minds. Now the daughter didn’t know that her father didn’t own 50% of the house. Her response of being in line for 50% of house was quick as a response at father’s comment at being mortgage free.

She was probably bigging up her ‘great expectations’ in front of partner too. It was an unfortunate situation. A few things came to a head, which were based on ignorance, kind of unpleasant remarks, DH not actively catering for her visit, neither being pro or reactive, and it was just the last straw for you. I suspect DH just ignores what may be a strained atmosphere, when he should be trying to bring people together.

She possible has her mother’s side, and partner may have both his parent’s sides to help them out as well.

Yeah, she was very stupid. Interesting that it was so close to the front of her mind.

Crying about it is also unimpressive.