AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

OP is very clear, multiple times, that this has all been sorted legally so I don’t think you need to “tell her” how intestacy works, it sounds like she’s had legal advice and is happy with her legal arrangements.

I know, most odd

The will leaves everything to me and my brother, the house mainly but they have been married 25 years now

But if he has his own pension, savings, and the share in the house, that could be adequate provision. Or she could leave him a life interest in the house before her share passes to her own Dc.

How's that then?

Easily contested? I’m not sure any Will is ever “easily” contested.

Leave your half to the donkey sanctuary in an absolutely watertight will.

And stop doing all the running around. Just act surprised that the magic fairies who usually do it all have gone away on holiday.

YANBU. I bet he's encouraged this 'inheritance' thinking over time.

I can't believe how many people think this was a 'joke' or 'banter'. Your bar is lower than low if you think that this behavior is acceptable.

please,...you don't know what my mother, me and my brother bear just because my mum needs a dick

Okay, he's off the phone and it's not gone well. Seems like the shit has hit the fan.

I'll be back soon to update once I've made him a cup of tea. He's really upset and needs to calm down.

You sound OTT. It was a joke. Stop cooking for her and cleaning towels for her if you don't like her.

But it's the truth she may well inherit most if not all of your DH's estate when he passes. Would you not leave your money to your own kids too? Seems pretty normal.

I am sorry I am running a second thread here. I am thinking who is going to pay for the repairs of the house which we will inherit if my mum dies first. She does not give us a copy of the will

She was referring to the OP's thread, not you. Maybe you should start your own thread?

No.

People within a marriage can own their own property and other assets and leave it how they wish in their Will. So yes the OP can leave her whole share of the house to her own Dc

However if the surviving spouse is left without adequate provision to support themselves and be housed, the Will can be challenged.

People can arrange to leave their share of a house to their Dc but allow the surviving spouse to live in it until death or they go into care or they marry someone else or whatever.

I don’t understand the offence at the comment, but I don’t think it’s even about the comment, I think you have grown to resent and dislike her because you do so much for her and her actual dad doesn’t. You have a DH problem.

Edit: sorry, just read the updates! YANBU cheeky cow

And before anyone says “but she’s his daughter”, yes, I know. I think he needs to have a proper conversation with her and explain that she has massively overstepped

sounds like he’s actually doing it! 😲

sounds like it’s well overdue- probably due to all the BS “oh but she’s his dad”

she’s an adult, needs to know where boundaries are and when she’s being rude/unreasonable

We’ve had similar with my DP Dd, she was SO rude to me the other day, absolutely ruined the evening for me and cast a pall over the weekend.

no I KNOW I shouldn’t have let her get to me, but I wasn’t expecting it, it’d been a long time since I’d seen her, I just expected she’d have got some manners/social skills but I think her poisonous mother has poisoned the waters somehow.
whatever. DP can see her, I don’t have to. I won’t be repeating the expensive hotel/theatre in London business again. He says he’ll have a word with her, but she is 21, she knows what’s rude/polite. She’ll just pretend she didn’t know what she was doing blah blah… we’ll see.

hope things are ok for you @BetLynchsEyes

Clearly he’s told her that she’s not getting half the house and also that she won’t be getting a deposit for hers.
We all know when someone makes a joke and it’s funny.
We also know when someone makes a barbed comment dressed up in a faux-joke.
It sounds like the latter to
me.

Thank you, am closing my own thread on here. This replied to it
OP, please go on

Sure, but it also shows that there are different interpretations of these things. What's crass to you isn't to others, that's not to say you're wrong, just that the intent might not be what you are receiving it as.

People do have different senses of humour, some people use a lot of dark humour that others would find offensive. And they are within their rights to find it offensive, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't said in jest.

Entirely separately, I think the fact her dad was just talking about paying off the mortgage probably gave her or reinforced the impression that he did have a sizeable stake in it? As it's a bit of an odd thing to say if you don't.

If the house is left to you /siblings yoj will be responsible for all repairs , insurance as the owner

Very rude and thoughtless of her I think.

I don't get why you'd take such great offence to what was clearly an off the cuff remark, even with her past form. I'd have just laughed at her and said, "No you won't" and let her dad explain the % thing. Now there will be a family rift where there didn't need to be one.

You do need to set the record straight, or rather your Oh needs to set the record straight. If he won’t or you won’t individually then get all three children together, maybe on a FaceTime call if you can’t do it face to face and explain exactly how things look atm. . Also explain that should you or your OH need to pay for care then the inheritance will reduce accordingly.

You're hijacking this thread. Start your own one.