AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

If I were you, I'd make sure that things really are as watertight as you think in your wills because I was under the assumption that being married meant that your property became owned 50/50.

Just because it's on social media doesn't make it crass. In fact usually more likely to be crass.

I’m well aware what a life interest is….

Whether it would be deemed to be adequate provision would depend on the size of the estate and the length of the marriage.

I am simply pointing out that just writing a will leaving everything to your children is no guarantee that’s what will happen if you remarry so people need to be very careful before they do so.

I think her comment was rude in the circumstances and given what she’s said in the past.

However - I don’t understand why you have been doing all the donkey work when she comes to visit. That should mostly fall on her dad and it isn’t her fault that he hasn’t been doing it.

She'll have a made a a will. The dsd is not getting the house.

Please, don't tell me that you posted without even reading the OP's posts?

She made a crass, tasteless graceless comment
And then you did go nuclear.

There is no reason to 'feel like an intruder' in your own house - that's a ridiculous reaction.

She should apologise of having made such a comment and you could acknowledge that there are other ways to deal with people making bad comments than escalating to a full on row. And they don't have to involve being a doormat or putting up with it. And she wasn't even talking about YOUR share of the house anyway, Just her dad's. How would she know your respective shares?

And it probably was a joke, Nit a good one or funny, but joking.

If you have been putting in all this work 'hosting' - that's on you. You could have asked DH to do it, or be relaxed - in our family family are treated like family and everyone mucks in. It's her Dad's house, "hiya. lovely to see you , you know where the clean sheets are..."

But you clearly don't have that kind of relationship where she is part of a relaxed family household with you.

If you could be arsed to read the OP's updates (it's quite easy look at any OP post and click on see all link) then you'd have read that the OP has a will leaving her assets to her children.

she can easily get it

oh and hold your ground on this. I don’t think she’ll be back to your house again. I hope the fact that her BF was mortified means that someone will talk to her about about how unbelievably rude and awful her comments were.

i have done it and still curious....I have read threads on here about lovers getting houses which were not even lovers but visiting neighbours who claimed are lovers

How?

This of course gives you some legal protection but as I’m sure you know pre nups are not legally binding in England. The best protection really is not to remarry and just cohabit.

On the face of it your response sounds unreasonable and an overreaction. I suspected however even before your update that this is a case of drip drip of sly remarks over a long period and this was the proverbial last straw. Helpfully now designed to make YOU look cruel and you walked into it - hey hum.
I’d try to let it blow over and let her back into your (plural) home gracefully but I would be making no effort for her going forwards. Why on earth you didn’t make dad do the bedding and prep every time up to now is beyond me. I’d spend some time with her but then strategically have a previous appointment around dinner time or other periods to break up the visit. Helps make it clear she is here to see dad not you. You may find she doesn’t want to stay again tbh.

Why would the OP tell you that? It isn’t anywhere close to being true, as you would very easily discover if you read the OP’s later posts.

The OP has paid most of the money required for the house. The stepdaughter was trying to suggest that OP’s own children would be disinherited from their mother’s majority share of the house.

Your prejudices have not served you well.

In the case of divorcing yes 50/50 is the starting presumption although this can vary. This is not the case in wills. The OP could leave all her assets to the home for retired cockroaches if she had a mind to.

How? Do tell.

We agree a well written will, a deed of trust and owning a property as tenants in common are needed.

lol, we are in a position in which my mother married a man and moved him in dad's house and he behaves like he is going to have it all, her bank account leftovers and he has interest for life in the house. Do we have any hope of actually inheriting that house after he passes? Just for the record

Then her share is left to her kids. Often the will allows the spouse to remain until they die or remarry, or it might say that the house has to be sold and he uses his shares to rehouse himself.

Depends on what they’ve put into the Will.

I initially thought you had overreacted but now you given more examples of her digs I understand.
Do you think she is trying to be funny to cover shyness/awkwardness?
I know I sometimes say stupid things when I am nervous or on edge.

She sounds awful. I hope your DH understands that he needs to pull his weight (as in arrange everything) if he wver intends to host your DSD ever again.

There is a will but they have been married donkey's years, so does it mean he owns it 50/50 even though she basically bought the house outright?

That’s not right, wills that don’t made adequate provision for a spouse can be easily contested under the inheritance act.

How would any of us know? It depends what legal arrangements your mother has made.