Im stuck on what to do.... help?

[Flicitytricity]

I have been part of a walking/hiking group for 6 years now.
There are 8 women in this group, I (thought) I got in well with them all, until a month ago.
We regularly go abroad on holiday together, weekends away etc
One of the group has taken against me, spparantly hasn't liked me ' for years' and cant see a way forward.
She removed herself from our whatsapp group, and although i have tried to contact her to find out what it is I've done wrong, what ive done (inadvertently) to upset her, im getting nowhere.
its caused a bit of drama in the group, we all met for a prearranged walk and she would not even make eye contact with me, let alone exchange pleasantries.
Mid way through the walk she had tears, saying she has had this problem with me for years and felt so lonely within our group, and just felt so bereft.
At the end of the walk, I left, I just felt so awful. I honestly, truly and genuinely do not know what I've done to upset her, but its made life difficult for the others in our little group.
Most seem to be as bewildered as I am, but she is a woman with the best, and most fun personality, so I think others in the group are thinking there MUST be some reason for this.
Im fucking stumped.
Don't want to make this an essay, but I was the main support she had from anyone in the group when her life went tits up a couple of years ago, so this just feels like a punch to the gut.
Im inclined to back off completely, im just not fit for schoolgirl squabbles, but at the same time, im thinking why should I? I've done nothing wrong.
God, this reads like a self indulgent teen drama, I should be way past this, but would appreciate any advice from people who've been through similar.

She sounds awful - preschoolers are better behaved than her: it sounds like the group (aside from her) want you to stay and they must think she’s ridiculous. I would ignore her on the walks, although I know easier said than done.

I really think I'd just confront her, with witnesses and say Look, you're creating an atmosphere, it's not fair on the others. Just say exactly what your problem with me is or grow up and act civil. You're acting like you're on a school playground and it's pathetic.

If she's left the WhatsApp group, how does she know about the walks? Someone must be telling her.

Her behaviour is so extreme, how would she act if you had to interview her or, god forbid, manage her? Is there an HR dept you can talk to confidentially? Tread carefully though.

Duplicate post.

stuff like this really pisses me off @Flicitytricity

She's an adult - she needs to tell you what the problem is. By not doing so, she is the one causing the issue in your friendship group.

Stop tying yourself in knots trying to appease her or find out what the issue is. Simply message her 'I'm so sorry that there's an issue between us - I genuinely don't know what's caused it, but I am open to listen. I think for the sake of group harmony its important that we at least try'

Then the ball is in her court. In the meantime -carry on making arrangements and seeing your friends. She needs to grow up.

How long before she starts another group chat, without OP?

It’s a hiking/walking group I doubt they have an HR department !!!

I know. I'm referring to work. OP said other woman has applied for a job at her workplace, where she'd be managed by OP.

She's the one with the problem, not you. Don't give up your group. She sounds unhinged. Sometime people just take against us, we might remind them of someone who was horrible to them and we might not have done anything at all.

Oh ok I didn’t see that post

Put your anger towards her. If she refuses to man up and tell everyone what is wrong instead of acting like a child, SHE is the one behaving badly and ruining the group. Not nice behaviour at all.

She can’t explain (other than she rudely stood you up) and so she can’t back down after this. This is why she is vague. She counted on everyone just taking her word for it and then you would leave quietly. Don’t fall for it, you will feel worse!

I think that was a different thread? This one? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5532461-friend-from-my-group-keeps-copying-me-and-putting-me-down-sorry-it-is-long

I wonder if her standing you up was her first deliberate attempt to alienate you. Some people would unfriend someone at that point. Her excuse that she randomly went for lunch with friends she bumped into is barely believable and insult to injury. But she didn't get what she wanted. You didn't leave. You were peeved and said so but moved on. So now this unspeakable thing that you're supposed done for years has been tabled. It's not an undiagnosed brain tumour, it's bullying because standing you up didn't work. I suspect that there's nothing you've done particularly, other than refuse to take permanent umbridge when she stood you up. The carers/hellpers in the group, may feel sorry enough for her distress not to see what's happening.

She's making it a choice between you or her to leave. And I think the less you attend, the more power she'll get (no tension on walks) and who knows what she'll say. You don't want to leave and you shouldn't have to. The other group members want you to stay but no-ones' prepared to speak up or address the issue. Toughing it out (and blocking her messages so you don't deal with her directly) might work. She might just drop it one day if you make it clear to everyone that, as far as you know you've done nothing wrong and aren't leaving. But if nothing changes from her, eventually, others will get fed up and not want tension-filled walks - there'll either be an explosion or a slow drift. But make sure you are always there when she is there (to make it harder for her to start rumours about you), but also have walks in the meantime with the others in smaller groups.

The nuclear option is to calmly address it when everyone is sitting around with a drink/coffee. Say you need to address the elephant in the room. Say it's a group issue because everyone's suffering because she won't say what you have done, and you are mystified. Say that if you've offended her without realising, you'd be glad to know and clear the air. But that if she will not say (she won't, by the way), the walks are being spoiled right now and you'd welcome everyone's ideas for a resolution. If you decide to do this, it might help to prime others in advance. They don't have to speak, but they might want to know it's going to happen.

Oh god, sorry!

I wonder if her standing you up was her first deliberate attempt to alienate you.

The question of why would still remain.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was to do with that though.

I suspect she’s got form for this, has she spoken about other friends she’s fallen out with?

You have hit the nail on the head.

This. I think set up your own group and don’t include her. It seems to me you were ok when she needed support after her partner died but now I would say this is jealousy. You have something that she doesn’t and rather than admit that to herself or others, it’s easier to say she doesn’t like you. Don’t try to apologise or find out what it is, just cut her off and take away the control and power she has over you. She obviously has a lot of issues and you cannot fix her or the situation in my mind. I’ve encountered lots of people like this over the years and funnily enough one of them was on the only meet-up walk I ever went on about 10 years ago. I agonised for ages why a woman I had met just once had been so aggressively rude but realised that it was probably because I had dared to converse with a man on the walk who she seemed obsessed with. I think that it was enough to send her into a fit of attention seeking drama at the end of the walk.

Yes, this.

Unfairly, anything you do at this point will make you look like you’re part of the problem to the rest of the group. It’s probably easier to step away, but I’d be (not advisedly) tempted to say something on the chat like ‘I thought I must’ve upset you pretty badly for you to stand me up on our walk last month. Although I unfortunately have no idea what I could have done.’

If Op excludes her, won't that make Op almost as bad?

Bullies don't need a reason or a why :(. I think OP may never know the real reason. Knowing the reason, or pushing her so hard that she makes one up to save face, might not be a win. But OP perhaps letting go of needing to know why can be very freeing, and a position of strength e.g. I'll never know the reason, we are where we are (group walks horrible when we're both there), so I might as well tough it out and/or ask others for suggestions about how to go on.

Yes, but even the OP doesn't have a clue why this person loathes her and won't have anything to do with her any more.

Perhaps someone else in the group might be able to at least try and find out why the former friend feels this way, even if they themselves don't want to get involved. It is making a horrible atmosphere for everyone.

She sounds like a dickhead. Why let this woman child force you out of an activity and friendship group. Maybe another friend can be a mediator and ask on your behalf what her issue is exactly. Hopefully they realise she's a juvenile drama witch and offer you the support that you deserve.

@Flicitytricity
This is a good way respond. You're not the one creating an atmosphere, she is.

I'm wondering whether she's embarrassed that since you supported her at her lowest (when her partner died) so in her head, you saw her at her lowest and that's hurt the self-image she likes to project onto the world.? I know people like this.

@Flicitytricity Also I cannot believe that she stood you up after making plans to meet and then ditched you for others. She ignored your attempts to get in contact for hours. And all you had to say was a limp 'oh haha I'm not that annoyed really' type of comment. Sorry, I think that was extremely wet lettuce behaviour of you. She has contempt for you. And you are allowing her to disrespect you and your time. That would have been the end of the friendship for me.