Im stuck on what to do.... help?

[Flicitytricity]

I have been part of a walking/hiking group for 6 years now.
There are 8 women in this group, I (thought) I got in well with them all, until a month ago.
We regularly go abroad on holiday together, weekends away etc
One of the group has taken against me, spparantly hasn't liked me ' for years' and cant see a way forward.
She removed herself from our whatsapp group, and although i have tried to contact her to find out what it is I've done wrong, what ive done (inadvertently) to upset her, im getting nowhere.
its caused a bit of drama in the group, we all met for a prearranged walk and she would not even make eye contact with me, let alone exchange pleasantries.
Mid way through the walk she had tears, saying she has had this problem with me for years and felt so lonely within our group, and just felt so bereft.
At the end of the walk, I left, I just felt so awful. I honestly, truly and genuinely do not know what I've done to upset her, but its made life difficult for the others in our little group.
Most seem to be as bewildered as I am, but she is a woman with the best, and most fun personality, so I think others in the group are thinking there MUST be some reason for this.
Im fucking stumped.
Don't want to make this an essay, but I was the main support she had from anyone in the group when her life went tits up a couple of years ago, so this just feels like a punch to the gut.
Im inclined to back off completely, im just not fit for schoolgirl squabbles, but at the same time, im thinking why should I? I've done nothing wrong.
God, this reads like a self indulgent teen drama, I should be way past this, but would appreciate any advice from people who've been through similar.

You do know that she has a post on here explaining her side of the story that was posted well before yours, right? Maybe if you read that you will see what the issues are as far as she is concerned.

Oh is OP the lady that wants lifts all the time?

If you could point me to it, I'd really appreciate it.
I don't think it will be her, but may be worth a read

What?
Where on earth did you get that from?
If anything, im the one who offers lifts😐

I don't know, I only read a thread about a walking group and and WA group and one person always wanting a lift.

@momtoboys can you link the thread?

No, nothing to do with me 🙂

Op don’t let this woman push you out of the group - persevere with the ladies and if she decides to flounce then so be it

It was downright appalling agreeing to meet you and not bothering to show up since she got chatting! How rude

That's the advice I would give too.
Problem is, when you're actually there, the atmosphere is awful. It's not an enjoyable experience.
If she left, I would feel guilty, without knowing why, but I can't see us both staying, so thinking it will likely be me who steps down. I really don't want to, but cant see a happy ending tbh

I would be generous and say to the others (in the joint Whatsapp group) that you're going to skip a couple of meets, to try to deescalate the situation. So they can see you're supportive and don't hold a grudge.

Hopefully a couple of them will reach out to you and suggest a separate meet up at some point. There's no reason the pair of you couldn't alternate attendance, if she could be mature about it.

That's great advice, and definitely is something I will do 😘

From experience, say nothing, don’t try to figure it out’ continue with your group.

If anyone mentions awkwardness say ‘I have no idea’ shrug and let them find out for themselves.

Do not say a bad word against her. She is not right and hopefully the others will start to notice this soon. I expect they have already by what you have said.

Keep going in your own dignified way. Don’t try to figure it out. This is all in her head. I have seen this before.

If the others are decent, they will realise. Don’t back out of occasions because then you will get out of the group and will be hard to get back in later once it all erupts.

people like this start with one person, then move on to the next one. Then that person will understand. Just be strong and don’t back out of meetings. Good luck x

Thank you, that's brilliant advice.
Think I just need to grow a thicker skin and not let it bother me.
There's a short walk tomorrow morning I was going to swerve, but might give it a go!

Yes, carry on as you are. I had a colleague like this (and who put a complaint in about me - my boss basically laughed at it thank god, knowing full well what she was like!).
No bad mouthing, just kill with kindness and endless positivity. If you say anything at all about it, just say the truth - you have no idea what the issue is/was as she won't say, but that you hope it'll all come out in the wash.

Please update us op after your walk tomorrow

Will do.

She has a problem with you, has done for some years, has decided to recently tell everyone that she has a problem, won’t tell you or anyone else what it was that you did or didn’t do. This is on her not you.

I would keep going to each and every walk don’t skip any. If anyone asks just say the same thing that you wish she would be direct and say what you did or didn’t do so you can know and apologise or explain. She will either share the secretive problem or drop herself.

Yes definitely don't skip meets - she's a bully and that's what she wants.

She’s the one with the issue, not you (particularly if she won’t even tell you what you’ve done!!! Absolutely ridiculous) I wouldn’t skip meets and potentially lose your friendship group when she can’t even say what you’ve supposedly done.

Well, just persevere and see the bad atmosphere as something temporary that will dissipate? That it’s worth continuing to go on the walks and finding what enjoyment you can in them for now, for the sake of keeping a group of people you value and an activity you love? Chances are she’ll leave if everyone ignores the dramatics.

That or push her off a cliff.

I’m glad you’re going on the walk today. Pleqse don’t let her push you out. Having created this drama I reckon she will drop out eventually abd you’ll all be none the wise as to why!

I'm trying to think of a situation where I would chose to go to lunch with other people whilst on the way to meet a different person and not message them immediately and I can't think of one.

I think the reason is definitely connected to this meet up but the possibilities are endless

I’ve never been in this situation but i have friends who have, on multiple occasions, always with the same person. I don’t know the root cause of it (well, none of us know) but if you’ve heard her without context you’d think these people are the worst friends in the world, when in fact they’ve bent over backwards many, many times to try and help her. It’s very toxic especially because it’s cyclic and they fall back into helping her every. single. time.

I’d message her asking if she wants to talk, see what happens and then I’d also message the group saying “I’ve reached out and this is what happened” and I’d continue going to the walks.

IMO she’s trying to push you out. It could be for any number of reasons, it’s not on you to magically figure it out.

Yes she is trying to push you out. All those people you read about in books and in see in films that persevere despite being wronged by bad people, be like them.

Don’t lower yourself. Keep your head high and attend every meet up. Let HER feel awkward. I have seen this before, if she gets no traction from you she will move on to the next person.

Also you will be surprised that a lot of people are in your corner but are just not speaking up now. Wait and see and good luck x x

Well, that was good and bad in equal measure.
I will now admit to being a total wetwipe, I nearly came home this morning, but took everyone's advice and cracked on, so thank you for that!
There were 6 of us this morning, she was already there when I arrived and was the only one to totally ignore my greeting.
The walk was disjointed, with most people alternating between walking alongside her and chatting and alongside me

Two of the group said that whatever the problem was , was down to her and for me to just crack on as normal.
The other two have said quite openingly that they have no idea what the issue is between the two of us, but they are not getting involved and just want things to be normal.

I tried to make conversation with her during the walk, but got one word responses, no eye contact, nothing.
I said, at one point, 'this is daft, for the same of everyone can we just, at least, be pleasant in company'?
She said no, she did not think that was possible.

It was surreal. I felt like a 10 year old with friends trying to solve a problem 😕

When we got back to the car park, she made off to the pub with 2 others, who, to be fair, were calling back 'are you coming'?, and 'we'll get the drinks in, please come .......'

I caved and came home🤐

No sulks, no drama, just hated putting everyone in such a horrible situation.

I know that all of them want me to stay around, most of them think she is being ridiculous and claim to have no time for it all, but I think everyone just wants a quiet life, a nice walk and a glass of wine without all the drama, and I don't blame them !

Im off on a solo city break tomorrow, back early next week, so im hoping a miracle happens while im away🙄

So, not a great update, I've had messages of support from several people in the group, but no one ( me included) wants to call her out.

She lost her partner, quite tragically
About 18months ago, whether that has any impact on her behavior, i cant even guess, but we do all try to support her.