Im stuck on what to do.... help?

[Flicitytricity]

I have been part of a walking/hiking group for 6 years now.
There are 8 women in this group, I (thought) I got in well with them all, until a month ago.
We regularly go abroad on holiday together, weekends away etc
One of the group has taken against me, spparantly hasn't liked me ' for years' and cant see a way forward.
She removed herself from our whatsapp group, and although i have tried to contact her to find out what it is I've done wrong, what ive done (inadvertently) to upset her, im getting nowhere.
its caused a bit of drama in the group, we all met for a prearranged walk and she would not even make eye contact with me, let alone exchange pleasantries.
Mid way through the walk she had tears, saying she has had this problem with me for years and felt so lonely within our group, and just felt so bereft.
At the end of the walk, I left, I just felt so awful. I honestly, truly and genuinely do not know what I've done to upset her, but its made life difficult for the others in our little group.
Most seem to be as bewildered as I am, but she is a woman with the best, and most fun personality, so I think others in the group are thinking there MUST be some reason for this.
Im fucking stumped.
Don't want to make this an essay, but I was the main support she had from anyone in the group when her life went tits up a couple of years ago, so this just feels like a punch to the gut.
Im inclined to back off completely, im just not fit for schoolgirl squabbles, but at the same time, im thinking why should I? I've done nothing wrong.
God, this reads like a self indulgent teen drama, I should be way past this, but would appreciate any advice from people who've been through similar.

Have you told the other group members that you have absolutely no idea what the problem is?

Maybe one of them might grasp the nettle and ask her.

Do not leave!

She’s trying to push you out- she’s either getting off on the power or has some quite obvious mental health issues.

What I would do is brazen it out, stop making the effort with her but in private message her just to say that you have no intention of leaving the group but you’re open to any suggestion which would make it easier for the group to function. Maybe you could alternate on walks so she can go one time, you the next? But be clear that you will not be leaving and how she handles this is up to her.

I honestly don’t think this sounds like something you’ve “done” so much as someone who is emotionally overwhelmed and has attached those feelings to you for whatever reason.

I’ve seen quieter versions of this dynamic a few times over the years. I can only assume they have some unresolved grief, resentment or emotional dysregulation, and one person becomes the focus of it. The vagueness, the refusal to explain properly, but the intensity of the reaction, all feels familiar.

None of that makes it fair on you though. You’ve behaved far more calmly and maturely than most people would in the circumstances. I’m not sure exactly how I would manage this now, I am pretty sure I would not want to go on walks where she was present but at the same time why should you be the one who walks away?! I guess just continue to go but make no attempt to speak to her (unless she speaks to you) - see how that goes. Hopefully in time you can relax in the group again and enjoy it even if she remains as she is now.

I think the others in the group will get fed up fairly soon. It’s childish behaviour to not tell anyone what you’ve done and essentially blank you to your face. If I was in that group I would be expecting her to leave, she’s the one with the problem and if she can’t even say what it is, she needs to either leave the atmosphere at home or stop coming. If I were you I would be telling people about the time she stood you up and went for lunch for 4 hours while you were worried something happened to her, not to talk badly about her but to give some context to what seems to be the start of this problem. As far as I can see, she is the one who has been rude

Do not leave. Its not you at all. She is someone who obviously thrives on drama. Just smile and wave.

If she can't tell you a reason for her behaviour/reaction to you, then you've got no chance of being able to right the wrong. You're being a bit too passive here, stop walking on her eggshells and go back to enjoying the walks. Completely ignore her and don't give her drama any attention. If anyone asks, say "I've got no idea, odd isn't it" and change the conversation. Otherwise if you keep backing away, she's getting the reaction she wants and it's making you look guilty of something you haven't done. She'll either get bored or she'll flounce off into the sunset.

Yes it's not the same one, OP has explained that. Weird the poster who suggested it was doesn't realize there is more than one walking group in the UK, as @GivingUpGivingIn alludes to!

I think it’s horrible that she is trying to freeze you out off the group with no explanation. If she has a problem with you she should leave the group, what a cow. How is she finding out about the walks if she is no longer in the WhatsApp group? I would start setting up meetings without her.

She behaved badly. You admitted you were pissed off about it - rightly so - and instead of apologising, this triggered a huge shame spiral and a whole ton of narcissistic rage which she now throwing on you for 'making her feel bad'. You didn't deliberately make her feel bad, her own awful behaviour in standing you up made her feel bad, but her personality structure is so fragile she can't admit that to herself, so she's making you the fall guy.

People like this are incredibly toxic and difficult to deal with, and she is quite determined to poison your whole friendship group against you. You could rely on them seeing through her manipulations, some might, but equally if she plays the victim enough they may just find it easier to placate her. Hopefully one or two will get in touch with you and give you a chance to explain what happened. Good luck.

She is displaying classic bullying behaviour. Singling out one person and being OK with everyone else. Gaslighting as the person being bullied thinks if she's nice to everyone else, it must be THEM that's the problem.

Maybe because you helped her when she was down, she now feels exposed and vulnerable around you. Her bumping in to other friends when you'd arranged to meet for a walk was out of order. She's toxic.

The others have advised you to ignore it and I would take this advice until she either leaves the group or decides she needs to start acting like reasonable adult. They will be able to see that it's her that's the problem, not you.

The advice her is really good

TBH her behaviour has been terrible, standing you up and using you in desperate times and now treating you like this and apart from that making everyone else feeel uncomfortable - its down right rude.

Maybe there is a reason for her behaviour - but you have tried to hold out and olive branch, find out what is wrong and also ask her to stop the atmosphere for everyone else sake - you can't do anymore than that.

if she can't sort out with you, stop this for the sake of others - she really needs to take stock, or get help if something is wrong.

Continue to go to the group, continue to mind your own business, don't bad mouth her don't even talk about her or possibly to her other than a greeting and farewell and get on with everyone else

How absolutely awful. She is a bully 😟

It’s calculated, reverse victim behaviour; making out she’s been upset, turning on tears without providing an actual reason why, other than alluding to vague hints. The last time I saw this in action was years ago when dd was aged about 10 and a girl in the group did exactly the same thing.

Maybe you could ask her in front of everyone else exactly what the issue is. Put her in the group spotlight with an audience. I get that could be awkward, but then again her own behaviour is creating awkwardness. I guessing she’s enjoying the attention. Don’t give up your friendship with the others to placate her. You’ve done nothing wrong that you know of. Her dumping you on the meet-up was appalling. She is the one at fault.

I'm sorry but I think your friends who are refusing to take sides are enabling her drama. They obviously want to stay friends with both of you and feel sympathy for her losing her partner but (I hope) I would be demanding an explanation or a change in behaviour from her.

Not exactly the same scenario but have been in a similar situation and I couldn’t be arsed with the nonsense and walked away! That particular group fractured almost immediately and then you find out who your true friends are. I have no regrets - life is too short to fight! However I do respect a lot of the suggestions (definitely ignore and don’t engage) but I wasn’t bothered enough about most of the others to want to resist and have never regretted my decision. It’s not simple either way imo.💐

OP sounds like a decent, sensitive person. Unfortunately these are just the kind of people that a bully seeks out. I've seen it many times and been on the receiving end of it myself. The bully homes in on it like a heat-seeking missile. Then they claim that they're the victim!

The best thing to do is to understand what's happening, don't engage with her, keep going on walks and to the pub. She'll soon get bored or the others will get fed up of her toxic behaviour.

How such things can be even real? Don't people have real lives, jobs, families....who has time or money to go abroad with randos from a walking group? MN at its best.

I haven't read the full thread but read OP posts.

Sudden personality change - could she be unwell in some way? Because her behaviour sounds strange.

My mum's best friend cut her off in a very dramatic way years back. Turns out she had a brain tumor which led to sudden personality change. She had pioneering surgery which cured her and she was back to normal and apologized after.

Depression can lead to all sorts of personality changes and really odd behaviour.

Not sure your age but even early onset dementia? Can be exacerbated by trauma (which would make sense with death). A huge first sign in many cases I've seen is manufactured drama, starting to fall out with people, and often will say 'I've ALWAYS felt this way' - I think it's the brain's way of rationalizing confusing feelings because it makes no sense, so the brain concludes it must just have always been the case... very sad.

I don't think you'll be able to find a rational explanation honestly.

She sounds like the sort of person who plays personal tragedy like a trump card. But she's so obviously a bully that she won't get away with it for ever.

I would keep going to the group as you’ve planned OP. Don’t let someone essentially bully you out of something that you enjoy and is good for fitness etc.

I would definitely ignore any unpleasantness from her but would actually be tempted to be honest in the group….

“I’m getting quite upset to be treated like this with no explanation and it is making me feel unwelcome in the group as I’ve been so impacted and made to feel so uncomfortable”.

You’re being honest to the group and calling her out on it indirectly. Sort of forces her hand to either explain the issue or just leave the group.

I had something a few years back where someone in a hobby group made it clear they didn't like me. I ignored their rude comments, chatted away to them despite one word answers, pretended everything was fine. It actually became a funny game how much this person would try and take offense even when I'd go out of my way to be extra specially nice. It enabled me to not take it personally.

In the end they moved onto the next person and have been civil to me since.

If you possibly can, I'd try and make a game of it. When you're on your hikes chit chat away in a one-sided direction even just for a bit of time. If she says 'can you just go away' you could say 'oh of course, haven't spoken to x yet, how rude of me, catch up in a bit...'

A bit like in Harry Potter where they turn the boggart into something funny and laugh at it? The behaviour is unhinged, the worst thing is if you give it light and oxygen and waste your mental space on it.

At the very least you'll have the moral high ground WIN and show the others its not your problem its hers.

I certainly wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of me backing down and leaving the group! No way!
When she said the other day that she couldn’t see a way to be civilised with each other, I’d have stopped her right there and asked her what the fuck is her problem!

Totally.

It's like that movie the banshees of inisherrin.

"I just don't like you no more".

Sometimes, when people "let their guard down" and tell someone stuff, they then feel bad that they did-even if that person was lovely and supportive! If this woman feels like the "best"- you suggest she's the most popular etc, she might worry about seeming weak, and worry you could "expose" her weakness. The inverted commas show just how pathetic this is, and actually quite sad in the true sense, as you'd hope adult women wouldn't be like schoolchildren. I'd just be honest to everyone else about how Jane is being, and say you really feel you've done nothing wrong and she's upsetting you, and that if you have done something, you are vey happy to listen to her and will apologise if appropriate.

This. She’s trying to get YOU out of the group. Maybe you know too much about her and she’s uncomfortable with that, but you have no other option than to tough it out and carry on.

if she’s in tears (performative probably) and you see it, walk straight up to her and ask her what’s wrong. Tell her whatever it is can be sorted out and that you’re not going anywhere and are happy to help/talk/listen.

Keep being the kind person you are, but don’t let her bully you like this.

I think it’s ridiculous you didn’t go to the pub. You are happy for her to be there then she should duck out. Please don’t be such a wet wipe! Also stop with the trying to resolve it now. Her behaviour is awful, so just grey rock the bitch now .