Im stuck on what to do.... help?

[Flicitytricity]

I have been part of a walking/hiking group for 6 years now.
There are 8 women in this group, I (thought) I got in well with them all, until a month ago.
We regularly go abroad on holiday together, weekends away etc
One of the group has taken against me, spparantly hasn't liked me ' for years' and cant see a way forward.
She removed herself from our whatsapp group, and although i have tried to contact her to find out what it is I've done wrong, what ive done (inadvertently) to upset her, im getting nowhere.
its caused a bit of drama in the group, we all met for a prearranged walk and she would not even make eye contact with me, let alone exchange pleasantries.
Mid way through the walk she had tears, saying she has had this problem with me for years and felt so lonely within our group, and just felt so bereft.
At the end of the walk, I left, I just felt so awful. I honestly, truly and genuinely do not know what I've done to upset her, but its made life difficult for the others in our little group.
Most seem to be as bewildered as I am, but she is a woman with the best, and most fun personality, so I think others in the group are thinking there MUST be some reason for this.
Im fucking stumped.
Don't want to make this an essay, but I was the main support she had from anyone in the group when her life went tits up a couple of years ago, so this just feels like a punch to the gut.
Im inclined to back off completely, im just not fit for schoolgirl squabbles, but at the same time, im thinking why should I? I've done nothing wrong.
God, this reads like a self indulgent teen drama, I should be way past this, but would appreciate any advice from people who've been through similar.

Stop trying to understand her. Some people are paranoid. Some people are "nuts" (clinical term) in other complex ways caused by hormones or trauma or the way they are wired. You can't talk her out of it.
If she has left the whatsapp group you can arrange walks without her. Or maybe form a splinter group? That has happened in a hobby group I am in. Has to be done sometimes if there are toxic people in a group.

Please do not leave this group. It is good for your health in so many ways.

This is a test of your mental strength: Imagine your dead grandparents are watching you, willing you strength and persistence.

The rest of the group will be very aware that you have done nothing wrong, as she is unable to provide a tangible reason for her antipathy towards you. If push comes to shove and one of you has to leave, gently remind the group that she is trying to control the dynamic of the entire group and that if you go, one of them will be the next target.

I must say I think the others in the group are coming over as extremely spineless if they are watching all this unfold, and letting it spoil the whole dynamic of the group.

Seems to me there should be a group meeting and this woman should be told in no uncertain terms that she needs to be civil and polite to you whilst on group outings and if she can't do that then she should leave the group. One person shouldn't be allowed to spoil the whole group.

Stop making her issues your problem. They’re not your problem. Stop giving her any oxygen - ie, asking her what it is you’ve done wrong. Just ignore her, carry on with the group as if she doesn’t exist. Then it will all quietly work itself out.

There's nowt so queer as folk as they say.

I had a experience a couple of years ago where someone I thought was a friend from a shared hobby turned on me during a period when I was very, very stressed, made it all about her and had a massive go at me at a hobby group (big group, I doubt many people even noticed). We were very different people and I didn't want a screaming row or drama. Anyway, on a trip for said hobby a few months later she was absolutely horrible to me, no reflection on her own behaviour, no self-awareness. We haven't spoken since and she's since turned on another friend who has maintained a friendship with me. It tells you a lot about someone when instead of ask you if you are okay they rip into you.

You should have gone to the pub and then called her out when all sat down.
or as somethingbland above says arrange a group meeting via whatsapp on also inviting her. She is splitting the group to oust you out for some reason, at least with a meeting of everyone you can then either walk away or she will

It’s going to sound awful, but is she more popular in the group than you? You say she’s fun, and no one wants to call her out - and they are still happy to go to the pub with her…..You are on a hiding to nothing if she is queen bee, they’ll drift over to her side eventually. I don’t know what to suggest.

I'm going to guess that the incident when she didn't meet up with you was designed to make you feel bad and push you out of the group or cause a huge row so she had a reason to dislike you she could share with the others. It didn't work and she's mad about that. I suspect she is either deeply embarrassed about something she shared with you when she was grieving or she expected you to convey to the group what was going on but instead you respected her privacy. Whatever it is was wrong to her - possibly part of her grief.

Just curious , is this woman the type of person who never really apologises ?

Well, if you don't know, you had no business casting aspersions, had you?

She is trying to oust you.

I agree. Hold your head high, stay in the group, chat with the others, laugh with the others. Ignore the woman.
She sounds like a "me me me" drama queen type of person. Dont let her bring you down

“Somethingbland · Today 07:32
I must say I think the others in the group are coming over as extremely spineless if they are watching all this unfold, and letting it spoil the whole dynamic of the group.
Seems to me there should be a group meeting and this woman should be told in no uncertain terms that she needs to be civil and polite to you whilst on group outings and if she can't do that then she should leave the group. One person shouldn't be allowed to spoil the whole group.”

@Somethingbland has nailed it. This with bells on. What happened to her is extremely sad but I’ve known people in the same position and people who have lost DCs and they don’t behave like she is. Your friends should be calling her out. She’s creating the problem.

Stay in the group and let time pass. Don't give up the group because of this lady.

Tell her and the group that she has two options. She either discusses her reasons with you and you can either apologise and repair or explain OR she just gets over it and you both move on because you won't be carrying this any longer. Let her carry her own bag.

Even if she is the queen bee as others have suggested then you are being ousted and you will have kept your self respect and integrity in tact. If it is that situation though, I hope there comes a day when these women grow out of that dynamic!

Have you pointed out to the group, that you were a part of her support structure after she lost her dp? And that what she’s saying simply can’t be true? If anyone in the group reaches out to you again, I would point this out in a ‘I’m baffled’ kind of way.

She can't have it both ways - i.e. she can't claim she can't stand to be in the same group as you and then keep turning up to events she knows you're entitled to come to and expect you to walk away. If she's that uncomfortable, and doesn't want even to try to sort out whatever the problem is, she'll have to leave the group herself. Please don't stop going.

I don’t for one second believe her story about bumping into friends and ditching you. Who the fuck does that? And if so, why was her phone off?

I wonder if she planned to stand you up all along, but she wanted you to kick off so she could tell the group how horrible you’d been to her. I don’t know, even that seems really calculated and far-fetched. But, I really don’t believe her story. Something feels off about it.

There must be more to this than you’ve put here or she is inane.
It must have begun before the walk with just the two of you - was that walk to try and clear the air ??? What happened before this / in the lead up to this?
is there anyone else in the group who is very rational and sensible who you could approach for help discreetly? You could ask again what you’ve done - even infront of one other person to help keep a lid on the situation and have a witness to any interaction would be beneficial Xo

I tried to make conversation with her during the walk, but got one word responses, no eye contact, nothing.
I said, at one point, 'this is daft, for the same of everyone can we just, at least, be pleasant in company'?
She said no, she did not think that was possible.

It was a mistake to talk to her.
That is just fanning the flames.

just hated putting everyone in such a horrible situation.
The only thing you did wrong on this walk was try to talk to her.

My advice - carry on going to the walks, but don't ever talk to her.
Don't greet her personally, just say "Hi everyone" and don't look at her.
Keep away from her and don't say another word to her.

This will take out the drama, it will die down, and hopefully she will go elsewhere for attention.

I know that all of them want me to stay around, most of them think she is being ridiculous and claim to have no time for it all, but I think everyone just wants a quiet life, a nice walk and a glass of wine without all the drama, and I don't blame them !

Is there not just one of them who might be prepared to take her to one side and ask her WTF the problem is? Or at least to say to her that she needs to sort it out with you because she's spoiling everything for the rest of the group? She really should be old enough to get past all this sulking and making a big mystery about it, she sounds like a stroppy 13 year old.

Two threads going at the moment,where one woman is continuing to be nasty to another woman in the group .
Yet no one wants to stand up and call the behaviour out and tell the aggressor to quit it .
That's all it would take ,the other women to be strong enough to call it out as the bullying it is .
But everyone wants a quiet life ,no one wants to get involved and so one person in the group continues to get bullied and everyone looks the other way .
Great friendships

I would arrange to meet all the others, together, without her, and tell them honestly you don’t understand it and it’s really upsetting you. (Do they know about the support you’ve given the other woman in the past? If not, tell them.) Ask if any of them have any idea what you’ve supposedly done to upset her. It's possible that she might have told one of the others what the problem is.

Tell them how much you enjoy their company but you’re wondering whether you’ll have to stop going out with them because you can’t stand the way she’s treating you. Even if they don’t know what the problem is, they might talk to her about her behaviour if they realise how serious an issue it is for you. Yes, they just want a quiet life with no drama but they’re not getting that at the moment anyway.

Exactly.

The other women in the group who 'don't want to get involved' yet can see clearly the op is being bullied are just as bad as the weird women targeting the op.

Op. I'd walk away. Friendships should be fun and enjoyable. You're being bullied and isolated and everyone is enabling it.

Focus on other activities just draw a line here.

They know. They don't care/don't want to get involved. All complicit.

This is great advice. I've encountered a few people like this too, and because it's their problem, they always end up causing no end of issues and feeling like the victim and then they move on. Stick it out. Don't stop something you enjoy. Continue to be your lovely self, don't engage with her, in a polite way obviously, I mean don't play her games, just walk, chat, be lovely. She'll end up leaving I guarantee. Either that or she'll sort herself out and it'll blow over xxxx