Im stuck on what to do.... help?

[Flicitytricity]

I have been part of a walking/hiking group for 6 years now.
There are 8 women in this group, I (thought) I got in well with them all, until a month ago.
We regularly go abroad on holiday together, weekends away etc
One of the group has taken against me, spparantly hasn't liked me ' for years' and cant see a way forward.
She removed herself from our whatsapp group, and although i have tried to contact her to find out what it is I've done wrong, what ive done (inadvertently) to upset her, im getting nowhere.
its caused a bit of drama in the group, we all met for a prearranged walk and she would not even make eye contact with me, let alone exchange pleasantries.
Mid way through the walk she had tears, saying she has had this problem with me for years and felt so lonely within our group, and just felt so bereft.
At the end of the walk, I left, I just felt so awful. I honestly, truly and genuinely do not know what I've done to upset her, but its made life difficult for the others in our little group.
Most seem to be as bewildered as I am, but she is a woman with the best, and most fun personality, so I think others in the group are thinking there MUST be some reason for this.
Im fucking stumped.
Don't want to make this an essay, but I was the main support she had from anyone in the group when her life went tits up a couple of years ago, so this just feels like a punch to the gut.
Im inclined to back off completely, im just not fit for schoolgirl squabbles, but at the same time, im thinking why should I? I've done nothing wrong.
God, this reads like a self indulgent teen drama, I should be way past this, but would appreciate any advice from people who've been through similar.

As I just said on the other thread
Op stand up for yourself because it's clear no one else will
Tell her firmly to quit it ,and behave like an adult,or leave the group, because your not going to leave
Do not leave the group..she is causing the issue,you have done nothing
Let her leave

Also, if you were ‘so bad’ she wouldn’t go to the meet ups, she would just pull out and stop going herself.

Text and emails are probably the worst way to communicate.
To stop your brain doing overtime you need to take some sort of action.
That means phoning her and asking her directly what has gone wrong between you? And explaining you hope she feels the same way and wants to sort things out ?
Or go and actually speak to her face to face is the best.
Ruminating over what might be the cause will not find you a solution.

She sounds like a narcissist who is gaslighting you. Avoid her as much as you possibly can.

I would just carry on in the group, avoid her as much as possible (I know this is hard if there's not many of you). But just be pleasant to everyone whilst giving her a wide berth. She will show herself up eventually I promise you.

Similar happened to me. I said "good morning Michelle, how are you" as I always do. She then turned and walked away and shouted over her shoulder "FINE" at me. Another person there said out loud "well that wasn't warranted, how rude"

I asked her on another day what the problem was and could we please sort it out like adults, she just shouted at me "I want nothing to do with you, you don't exist"!

Apparently she has done this with someone else. No idea why but she has made herself look a complete fool and people are very wary of her.

Same will happen with your person, betcha. She will alienate herself eventually, give it time, don't give up the group.

Very disappointing that the rest of the group are colluding in her bullying of you. They should tell her her behaviour is unacceptable. If I were one of them I certainly wouldn't be going for a glass of wine with her after her performance.

Hi OP, what a weird and unsettling situation to be in.

Sounds to me like her mental health is v bad. Understandable if she lost her partner so tragically. If she lives alone, she’s perhaps in her head a lot. Could it also be menopause in the mix? Possibly even a bit delusional/psychotic, which can happen with some depression/bipolar. Standing you up that time sounds like a panic attack. She probably wasn’t chatting to friends. The only other thing it can be is if someone’s made up something nasty about you from way back and she’s really taken it to heart.

Whatever the reason, it’s horrible and immature to say she’s never liked you (especially after you supported her so much), to not explain her reason, refuse to try to resolve it (or at least be superficially pleasant) and cause such a bad atmos in the group.

Well done for going on the walk. IMHO you should keep going. Otherwise she’s effectively bullying you out. Keep being pleasant, even if she ignores you. Others will then see she’s the one being difficult, as they already have. But, if she continues to cause such a bad atmos, then to make it easier for others you could suggest alternating. Don’t complain or gossip about her to anyone. Simply say you hope she’s OK and that you’re absolutely bewildered and saddened by her behaviour.

But don’t leave the group. It’s her problem, not yours.

If you told me someone was crying because they "didn't like" another person in a group of 8, I would assume we're talking about toddlers 😂

The audacity though, arranging to meet someone and then standing them up without bothering to let them them know that a much more interesting friend has come along, and then acting like the injured party.

I agree . Also this women is winning .

She lost her partner, quite tragically
About 18months ago, whether that has any impact on her behavior, i cant even guess, but we do all try to support her.

I think this is a known phenomenon. Somebody goes through a very difficult patch in their lives and a friend supports them and sees them at their lowest ebb.

Then they recover and don't want to be reminded of that very low patch and cut off the person who helped them.

I'm sorry she's messing up your walking group but this is all about her, not you.

Totally agree. She's a bully. She's enjoying this game and hoping @Flicitytricity leaves.

@Flicitytricity i think she is jealous of you /envious of your life.
Maybe she felt like this when she had her partner , were they happy? . You are happy and have a great wee group of walking friends .
I feel she is eaten up with jealousy and not happy within herself .
Now she is trying to push you out .
Let her deal with her own issues , Don’t be pushed out.
Not going to the pub does make you seem the awkward one .

Id carryon as normal and just don’t speak to her she has made her decision .
Id be even more happier than normal , she is a bully op.

Three choices.

Stay in the group and resolve within yourself to forget about problem woman and to stop talking about her and worrying.

Leave the group and find one with women who are easy going.

Visit her with cake and ask outright what it is that you have done to offend her. Apologise and stay in the group. Draw a line under the problem, remain polite but not personally involved with the sensitive woman.

Yes, if she’s usually the happy-go-lucky sort, I wonder if she somehow feels ashamed she let OP in so much while in such wretched grief. And is perhaps imagining OP gossiped to the group about her. Or seeing OP reminds her of that terrible time and it’s triggering a ‘fight or flight’ response. Grief can be so tough. Sounds like she needs therapy.

Whatever the reason, stand firm, OP.

Did she really bump into other friends? Or she was pretending to be popular as she is secretly in competition with op?

If she's hated you for years she wouldn't have arranged to meet you 1 to 1. Therefore that is the incident that has pissed her off even though she was the one in the wrong.
I think you need to be brave and next time everyone is together and say, right we need to sort this out or you need to leave as its making everyone in the group uncomfortable what have I done wrong?

I had something really similar happen a few years ago, although the person in question did sort of articulate what it was she was holding against me. We were also part of a couple of friendship groups. I didn’t back off from the group I was closest to, and she excluded herself from meet ups for a while. It turned out to be shame and self-sabotaging behaviours on her part. We have actually managed to rebuild the friendship to an extent, although it will never be what it was.

My advice is don’t back away from the group and hold your head up high. If she has such a problem with you she will have to make separate plans with them.

She’s going to end up pushing you out of the group. Next time stay for drinks, do not allow her to push you out. Continue being your pleasant self and kill her with kindness. She’s being very silly. By the way I had a horrible colleague and considered leaving that job because of him. A friend sold me to try killing him with kindness. At first I didn’t want to as I preferred to keep away from him! However I did try it as a last resort before handing in my notice. He didn’t like it and started avoiding me and eventually started being nice to me.

It’s good to hear you resolved it to an extent.

People do self-sabotage when they feel vulnerable, often pushing away those closest to them or who’ve supported them the most. Especially people who’ve been brought up to not show vulnerability and feel ashamed to say how bad their mental health is.

What an absolute bitch. I agree she didn't meet friends, that was an engineered situation. If I really did meet friends that I didn't see much and was desperate to spend some time with I'd (and most people would) have said hi quickly and gone to meet you, or called and explained and invited you along. No-one normal or reasonable turns off their phone and gives no explanation while leaving you hanging.

What kind of support did you give her? I've heard ita quite common for people to ditch those who supported them through a really tough time, it's some kind of psychological thing when they start to feel a bit better, that their supporter reminds them of the bad time, or they're embarrassed as their supporter knows a lot of personal stuff about them and has seen them at their most vulnerable.

Agree that the other people haven't behaved great by not calling her out but a lot of people find that very difficult especially if it seems out of character and the group have always got on before, it can be so 'wtf' that people don't know how to tackle it. I also think it was very manipulative of her crying - if she told you to fuck off or something then people could tell her to behave or get out of the group, but if she is crying it will be all 'I'm entitled to my feelings, why are you all trying to force me to speak to someone that I'm deeply uncomfortable talking to' etc.

Please refer that she isn't a nice person trying to bully you out of the group. Most groups have people who don't like each other loads and wouldn't speak if it wasn't for the group - that's fine, most people can still manage to be polite, kind and have a civil conversation. Her leaving you hanging etc and her behaviour now shows she is an unkind, self centred, manipulative bully.

Please don't feel guilty about the effect on the group - it sounds like you don't want to go to things because of the atmosphere if you're there. It's her causing the drama and the atmosphere not you, so please don't feel guilty at all, you need to repeat in your head that she should feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong.

If anyone talks about it I'd just say you're as puzzled as they are, given she accepted so much support from you when she needed it and you spent a lot of time together including one on one. And say its fine if she doesn't like you but you don't think it's very fair to not even try and be civil, as its affecting the group.

I'd be mentally prepared if no one is calling her out on it though that they might think there is more to it or that they might 'not want to get involved' and have a separate WhatsApp group with her so that they can try and be 'fair' and spend time with both of you. If they do that and want to side with the bitch they're not worth bothering with. At least some of them have sent messages of support.

You're also just taking her behaviour, I'd consider trying some of her tactics and burst into tears when she blanks you / is curt with you. Why should you have to pretend that you're OK with her disgusting treatment of you, for fear of upsetting everyone else. You're the victim here but she is making it all about her feelings

I wouldn’t back down from this, how dare she try and push you out the group without even saying what her issue is. I would be furious and definitely keep going to the meet ups. In fact, I would probably message the others to arrange a meet up, saying that I am not inviting X because she has made me incredibly uncomfortable and refuses to say what the issue is, I am happy to be civil and come to events with her present but I am not going to make any more effort pandering towards her while she continues this bullying behaviour.

A few people have said to ask her again what you've done wrong / apologise.

I wouldn't do this, you've already asked her, other people have asked her and her response is that she has always just hated you. Clearly not true but she is also clearly never going to articulate what it was (eg that you remind her of the worst time of her life, or she is embarrassed that you saw her in a vulnerable state) as that would take a huge amount of self awareness and courage to admit.

If you go out of your way to ask her then you will just get accused of harassing her or she will just make something up to justify her behaviour

If there is anyone that you trust enough that is disgusted with her behaviour you can ask her to call her out on it, as if you call her out on it it will be seen as you attacking her. They can just say something along the lines of 'this is a small walking group, I think we all need to agree to minimum acceptable behaviour which is being civil and polite and if you can't manage this, it's negatively affecting the group and maybe its not the activity for you'

If she has left the whatsapp group she will miss out. Use that group for future plans (although bear in mind she's probably set up another group with all the rest of them and not you).

Sounds like the others have your back, just stick with "I have no idea what it's all about and if she won't tell me there's nothing I can do - anyway, how are you?". Hopefully she will end up drifting away altogether.

I think you should stick with the group and be as low drama as possible. Don’t talk about it at all unless someone asks you a direct question. Let her thinks it’s all water off a ducks back - even though it isn’t. Fake it until you make it. Include her in all your general greetings, but dont quiz her directly any more.

Sooner or later the rest of the group will see that it’s entirely her making things uncomfortable and will get tired of it. There is currently a power struggle between the two of you (not of your making) and she’s probably hoping she can freeze you out.

But in the meantime, I’d also suggest you join another group or two. Then you will have a group to move to if things go pear shaped, plus you’ll have a drama free walk to go to every week which will take the pressure off enjoying the original group.