how can I persuade him to get me pregnant before the wedding?

[hensnotpens]

We want to have a baby and are so ready but....

DP runs a company that booms at Christmas and he works 3-5 days a week for all year in the gear up to Christmas and then works 6 days a week from August and 7 days a week from October to December 24th with very long hours.

I don't want to give my child a Jan or Feb birthday as I know those who have them and they hate the time of year. It's dark, close to Christmas. I also know I will get little support if I were 8/9 months pregnant as my partner is busy over Christmas.

We rely on this income and I encourage him working it.

Because DP is so busy over those 4 months we are trying to time having a baby.

I figured March/April/ May would be a good time and if we started trying to conceive for these dates, statistically it's likely we will be able to. He donated sperm as a student and had two successful pregnancies from that so we know he is fertile.

Problem is that he doesn't want to conceive before marriage (he is pro sex before marriage but his culture is more traditional) and we are getting married this year in the last week of August. If we conceived on our wedding night (which would be very lucky and unlikely) the baby woudl be born late may.

A baby born later May means he will start to get busy before the baby is even 3 months old and I will be quite alone with a newborn. Neither of us want that.

So instead of conceiving before marriage. He wants to wait a whole year. But I am so ready for this baby. I so want to have one already. I really don't want to wait a year.

With my plan I will be less than 12 weeks pregnant before the wedding (I don't drink so that doesn't bother me)

How can I persuade him to get pregnant before our wedding?

Much as I agree with the many posters on this thread about the batshitness of timing, I would actually say December was your best bet. Have your husband outsource the final stages for once, and enjoy his quiet time of year with a newborn and lots of support.

This.

Realistically neither of you are ready.

If you were, you’d want to try now - being married wouldn’t matter, nor would the timing of their birthday.

You really do sound overtly invested in 'statistics'. Sadly, they are just that and there are no guarantees that you will be one. 60% shows that you could be pregnant within 3 months. 40% says you won't.

Ditto what other posters have said about morning sickness - imagine feeling (and looking) like absolute crap on what should be one of the best days of your life?

And all that aside, this isn't what your partner wants, so why are you so intent on hoodwinking him? If it were the other way around, he'd be hung, drawn and quartered for being coercive and controlling.

Dear OP, you are trying to plan something perfect and it doesnt really work that way in pregnancy. If you manage to persude DP to try to conceive now, all the best to you. Maybe prepare yourself for the unexpected in your carefully considered plan. Fwiw - you absolutely can cope alone with newborn whilst DP/DH busy with work.... just incase you do conceive and baby is born Oct-Dec. You got this

Is that 60% statistic specifically for women of 34, or more generally? Cos, you know - fertility declines sharply after 35.

Let’s say you accept your fiancé’s boundary (which you should), and then don’t conceive in the month or two after the wedding. Are you then going to stop ttc until the window next year…. Or the year after that…..?

Or are you going to do the sensible thing for a woman in her mid thirties… start trying as soon as it is acceptable to both of you, i.e. your wedding night, and keep going until you are either pregnant, or conclude you might need help.

Cos if you do need help to conceive, the sooner you find out, the better.

It’s not a typo… a typo is a spelling mistake, she said 80% of miscarriages are in first time pregnancies, they aren’t.

So respect that. It is far more important than a birth month - which might or might not turn out as you wish anyway.

Are you factoring in premature births etc? You are way over-thinking it all op.

Yep so drastically different to the frightening stats you gave OP twice.

You can’t time a pregnancy that precisely unless you only have unprotected sex for 3 months of the year, in which case it could take years. When you’re both ready, start trying and whatever will be will be.

I agree that it is better to be married first. If the registry office asap doesn’t work for him, then you need to wait.

worrying about a winter birthday is a bit silly. You really can’t control timing. Avoid windows that are catastrophically bad and just accept whatever else happens.

You don’t have a 60% chance of pregnancy within 3 months - it’s 20% each month, but it’s not accumulative. On average, it takes a healthy couple a year to conceive.
The statistic about fertility sharply declining after 35 is nonsense by the way and is based on research that was discredited long ago.

You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself to get pregnant at the ‘right time’. Just forget about having a baby at a specific time. Respect your husband to be and wait until you’re married. It really doesn’t matter when your baby arrives.

For what it’s worth, I’m a late January baby and I love having my birthday at that time of year.

I was hideously sick throughout my pregnancy. A wedding in my first trimester would have been impossible. None of my sisters were sick. You cannot compare yourself with your sisters. I’m also the only one in my family to have had a c-section. My point is you CANNOT plan these things!

My baby slept through from day 1. My friends screamed for 6 months. You get what you get! Just chill. Enjoy your wedding and crack on with trying on your wedding night.

I have asked MN to delete the misleading posts.

I saw the odds of a colour getting pregnant after 3 months of trying is 60% so I know the stats are on our side.
I've never seen 'a colour' used in this context before 😲

Is he an elf?

Oh to be this young and naive again. Really enjoying your VERY exact planning 😂 love that you KNOW how it feels like to be pregnant, what age babies are hard, what month of the year they should be born.

I bet you think you will NEVER shout at your kids and they will have zero screen time. You will just be the perfect parent.

Just have sex once you're married and get in with it ffs.

Love Mumsnet for the level of batshiterry it delivers every day. A “traditional” man who has donated sperm and fathered a minimum of two children. An un pregnant bride worried about potential morning sickness. She’s also trying to “time” conception because two months of the year are “bad times to have birthdays”. That’s one sixth of any given year ruled out. That’s before we come to the nonsense that any man can be any help when you’re 8 months pregnant ! Then there’s the “traditional” man who won’t agree to pregnancy outside marriage, while fully engaging in sex. Who knew this means you are now “pro sex before marriage”. A bride who thinks she can plan and execute an exact 12 weeks conception prior to marriage. If all that wasn’t bad enough, the OP will be financially entirely dependent on this gem of a man, because her income comes from baking cakes via Facebook.

Advice: none. There is no point. Because where would one start.

But one question OP: Is your intended one of Santa’s elves?

I disagree with everyone. The man has already said he wants a baby and soon after the marriage, it’s his conservative family’s judgement he’s concerned about. She’s not trying to force him into a baby before he’s ready, she’s trying to tweak the timing. Waiting a year just to get the birthdate right after the wedding is a long time. OP doesn’t say her age, but it’s becoming more and more evident that women’s fertility is getting frittered away for many reasons, one of which is nonsense from men.

Personally, if fiancé can’t see your reasoning and is so worried about putting his overbearing family’s pressuring views over yours, the real question I’d be asking myself is if this is the man I really want to marry, have kids with, and deal with for the rest of my life. Your concerns, wishes, and reasons should be more important to him than some stuffy dogmatic idea of childbirth before marriage, especially when the wedding is already planned and in progress. Ask yourself if he will be a brick wall who won’t hear you out on other important subjects and if you can deal with it.

This. It took me and my husband a whole year to conceive our daughter, he says now how he wished we’d TTC before getting married so we could have another one!

In terms of dates/months: my dream scenario was always conceive in July give birth in April so as to avoid the heat of summer pregnant. We ended up meeting these dates though only through a very premature birth. As it turned out, having a tiny newborn through the hot months of summer wasn’t what I thought it would be either.

Now I would take a second baby on Christmas Day if it meant me getting to be a parent again….

No, the average is less than 6 months. By 6m, overall 75% will have got pregnant.

Obviously it varies by age, but generally 90% conceive within a year.

Honestly you have very little control over it. I come from a culture where pregnancy before marriage is looked down on so I’m with him. Not fair to put him in that position. I’d also be worried you’ve have terrible pregnancy symptoms around the time of the wedding - terrible idea.

Now deleted.

I don't understand the rush, unless you are of an age where your fertility is in sharp decline. You need to be in agreement on this hugely important thing - more important than your wedding, as you will be irrevocably bringing another person into the world, who will bind you together far more strongly than marriage vows.

If you can't agree on this most important life decision, it doesn't bode well for the future.

Yes, it’s not a cliff, it’s a gradual decline