how can I persuade him to get me pregnant before the wedding?

[hensnotpens]

We want to have a baby and are so ready but....

DP runs a company that booms at Christmas and he works 3-5 days a week for all year in the gear up to Christmas and then works 6 days a week from August and 7 days a week from October to December 24th with very long hours.

I don't want to give my child a Jan or Feb birthday as I know those who have them and they hate the time of year. It's dark, close to Christmas. I also know I will get little support if I were 8/9 months pregnant as my partner is busy over Christmas.

We rely on this income and I encourage him working it.

Because DP is so busy over those 4 months we are trying to time having a baby.

I figured March/April/ May would be a good time and if we started trying to conceive for these dates, statistically it's likely we will be able to. He donated sperm as a student and had two successful pregnancies from that so we know he is fertile.

Problem is that he doesn't want to conceive before marriage (he is pro sex before marriage but his culture is more traditional) and we are getting married this year in the last week of August. If we conceived on our wedding night (which would be very lucky and unlikely) the baby woudl be born late may.

A baby born later May means he will start to get busy before the baby is even 3 months old and I will be quite alone with a newborn. Neither of us want that.

So instead of conceiving before marriage. He wants to wait a whole year. But I am so ready for this baby. I so want to have one already. I really don't want to wait a year.

With my plan I will be less than 12 weeks pregnant before the wedding (I don't drink so that doesn't bother me)

How can I persuade him to get pregnant before our wedding?

I’d rather be a single mum at 35 than childless at 45

My husband has a similar working pattern, end of October until the second week of January are pretty much 6/7 days a week with a bit of downtime in the week before Xmas. We had a Feb baby and it was absolutely fine. I worked up until mid Jan at 36 weeks so him not being around honestly didn’t make the blindest bit of difference other than missing one routine midwife appointment. Being heavily pregnant in winter was glorious, I just hunkered down in leggings and jumpers. Once baby was here he was well clear of his busy period, and just as we got out of newborn trenches the weather was brightening up and the days getting longer. Having summer with 4-7 month old was perfect as they were still immobile and just loved being out and about. By the time the Christmas period came back around it was hard but I knew what I was doing and was still off work so we managed much more than I would have done if baby was any younger. I’d 100% recommend a Feb baby in these circumstances. I would absolutely not recommend being pregnant in the first trimester on your wedding day. My wedding day was the best day of my life and I’m forever grateful I could enjoy it without feeling exhausted, sick, dizzy and bloated.

Are you sure youre ready for the unpredictability children can bring into your life? And not wanting them to have a birthday in a month when people are typically skint is silly. I think your DP is right to want to wait a while, it will give you chance to get your head around it all.

You’re unlikely to enjoy your wedding while pregnant.

Women in their 20s have a 25% chance of conceiving each cycle. It’s around 15% each cycle for women aged 35. Around 5% by the time you’re 40. If he’s so bothered about babies after marriage then go to the registry office and have the party later on.

https://extendfertility.com/your-fertility/fertility-statistics-by-age/

You could conceive straight away. Or not. Who knows. You can't force him to start though. I had a drunken conversation about having a baby once and ten months later we were married, mortgaged and had a month old baby.

I understand this OP

a year is a long time when you are mid 30s.

In your situation - I wanted to have a baby! - I got married in a v small ceremoy and then waited and had the big wedding once my child was a toddler

How did he know his sperm donation resulted in 2 babies?

I don’t think over 80% of pregnancies end in miscarriage! I think it’s more like 10-20%!

You can’t plan these things. Don’t even try. I fell pregnant month 2 of trying with my eldest and took 3.5 years with my youngest. I get you want the perfect time but you’re doing it all wrong. You get the babies you’re supposed to get, no matter how short or long a time you have to wait

You can plan all you like but if he doesn't want to you should respect that. A marriage starting with being coerced is not starting well. You might or might not conceive when you want, give birth prematurely or late nobody knows for certain. To be honest I would rather have had help when baby was 6-9 months and was teething, crawling and cruising furniture rather than newborn stage of naps, feeding and changing

OP, life doesn't work like this..... you can't summon up a child to order. Just saying "I want this now" certainly sounds very intense, and as if you haven't thought through all the risks and implications.
Most of all, you have to respect your partner's choices, otherwise you start off your marriage on the wrong foot and that spells disaster.
A year is nothing, so just enjoy married life and take your time.

Work and save for an extra year so you have savings set aside to pay for a cleaner or mother's help (or night nanny) in case the baby is hard work when your husband needs to be working. It might not be until the child is a toddler that you need the help, but it would've great to have the savings there.
ETA. Pre-Christmas birthdays are great, so many parties to piggyback on! (Unless you manage to rear a child that wants ALL the attention on them and refuses to appreciate presents shared with Christmas, but that's on you ...)

I have to agree, coming from someone who has spent the last two years trying and having gone through ivf recently, it’s a luxury to be able to think like this.

your road may
not be smooth so maybe gaining a little perspective would be helpful

Yes, if you were to TTC now there's a reasonable chance of being rough as a dog's arse by late August.

It’s only a few months so just wait. He doesn’t want you to get pregnant before being married, you can’t just ignore what he wants too.

I assume you realise most people can’t choose what month they get pregnant. Id have loved spring or summer bday kids. I have an April baby it took 10 months to get pregnant with her. I also have a December baby that I got pregnant with the second month of trying.

Also....
But if I have a Jan/Feb baby, I will be heavily pregnant and DP will be working.
Not sure how much you know about pregnancy but your partner is very little help for the first one. You just need a bit of peace and quiet so it sounds ideal really.
If it isn't straightforward then you need doctors, not a husband.

You're being ridiculous and you're massively overthinking this.

Just respect your husband's wishes and accept that you can't engineer this stuff the way you appear to think you can.

I don't want to give my child a Jan or Feb birthday as I know those who have them and they hate the time of year. It's dark, close to Christmas.

My birthday's in February and I don't hate it at all. It's perfectly fine!

I've also got six nieces and nephews and three of them have birthdays in January. They're all fine with it!

No they don’t

Coming at this from the perspective of four miscarriages before my miracle. And you've noted the women in your family have all had miscarriages.

Ignoring anything else, you don't want to be within sniffing distance of that risk over your wedding period.

(Side note, I got married in second trimester because being married before the miracle baby came was important to me. Weddings are a crock of shit but legally be protected)

Google just told me "It is estimated that 10% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, with some studies suggesting the rate can be as high as 20–30%. Most, or roughly 80% of these, occur within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy (first trimester)" so I'd think PP is correct.

Oh sorry, you mean the "first time pregnancy" typo. Gotcha.

Eventually. I was careless, twice.