Would you take young children to view an open casket?

[Frodo1010]

My grandad (dad's side) has come to the end of his life and my dad has fallen out with me because I've told him I won't be taking my children (5 and 1) to see their grandad in the open casket. My dad's side of the family are Irish but we haven't been raised there and so are not close. We are still going to the funeral etc to pay respects.

My dad has fallen out with me over this, has said that if I don't take them he wants nothing more to do with me. It's really upset me tbh as he isn't respecting my wishes as a parent. I'm now questioning my own judgement because of the upset over it. My 5 year old son is very sensitive and I know he'd be affected by it. Would you let your child?

I've been to two open casket viewings and in both cases, the person didn't look like themselves, I found it quite upsetting. My Dad also made me view my Mum in the funeral home and I didn't want to.

If you don't think that your children will be comfortable with the experience, don't do it.

I think on the day he may try and coerce you into taking the children in so be prepared ,

Also OP remember your Dad is grieving the loss of his Dad and he is not himself - maybe give him a pass on this - not to say you should change your mind on allowing your kids to view the body - trust your instincts but also have some compassion for your Dad - if he is normally a reasonable person.

It’s absolutely your decision and your dad is being very unfair to place that demand on you - you do what you think is right. And I say this as someone who did bring her 5 year old to an open wake of someone he loved. Very sensitive child and I thought really hard about how to best help him cope with the loss and felt this was a part of it which would be useful. It was - he did amazing, put a picture he wanted into the casket and he is doing very well post loss, but we put a lot of support in place around him. It’s not for everyone and it needs to be carefully planned I think.

The only advice I would give you in general is that you explain death to him and make sure he has a narrative and understanding as to why someone is no longer around. So many people try to protect kids by ignoring the death which is anxiety provoking for children because they don’t understand why someone disappeared suddenly.

I landed back in Ireland following my Dad's death, saw my Dad in the coffin, but I don't remember the way he looked to be traumatic. Other stuff unfortunately took my notice, my dad's neighbour was there, an old classmate at school - he didn't leave the room, he didn't give me privacy and space, he introduced himself and made small talk - that was so awful, making small talk through tears - so awful.

Dad didn't look like himself not least because my sister insisted on shaving his face as she never liked his beard and took the opportunity to get rid of it as he approached death - I find that more disturbing, how it was all about her and appearances. I hadn't really processed that till this thread. I think processing grief is a very personal thing, we all get angry about different things - I haven't spoken to my siblings since the day of my Dad's funeral - they behaved appallingly - my Dad would have hated how they used his death as a weapon to cause pain. Sorry I know it's not for this thread - but I just needed to process.

Probably not at that age. They are too young to know what they’re looking at and it might confuse or upset them.
I saw my grandmother when I was a bit older. Most of the grandchildren went in together. She was in the house. We all told stories and happy memories, said a prayer, kissed her on the cheek and that was it. It was nice to get to say goodbye and it wasn’t scary or upsetting at all. It was what she would have wanted.
My uncle died by suicide in his early fifties and that was very different. He looked awful and very unlike himself and it felt strange and sort of wrong to be gawping at him, probably because I know he wouldn’t have liked it.
I am Irish and though it’s the norm to have open caskets, wakes etc, each death is different and for everyone I know there’s no hard and fast rules. Nobody “has” to do anything they don’t want to do and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

Adding to this, my nephews 7 and 2 probably wouldn’t care, but as the older is scared of stuff like going upstairs alone it might scare him, he has a vivid imagination. Toddler wouldn’t care.

There's really not except in a few cases such as when the death itself is traumatic for everyone around them, like another child, or maybe their actual parent (and even then I think the child not being there is likely to make it harder for them to come to terms with the loss of the parent)

But then I'm Irish and we've always done that. I've never come across a child traumatised by it unless maybe they've been forced to do something they themselves didn't want to.

But nor would I fall out with someone over not bringing their children. Are they the only grandchildren?

I think this is the real problem - yes it's normal for children to be at an open casket funeral in Ireland, but OTOH it's not a massive deal if some aren't - it's really up to the parents themselves to decide.

So IMO what's not normal is for your father to be as controlling as this over it: this is their great grandfather, not a close relative really.

Personally I can't even remember if all the grandchildren were present at the open casket when my parents died: I know for sure that one wasn't, but there was no row over it.

My goodness absolutely not.

Theres no way I’d be taking a 5 and 1 year old to a funeral and no way I’d let them see an open casket.

Children don’t have ‘respects’ to pay - they’re children. We all learn about death and grief one way or the other at some point in life and you meet it when it comes. If you’re lucky, you get to adulthood without it. You don’t need to be trained for it from a young age.

I would, I think. But honestly I can't remember if I brought my children in to see Mum - I'm sure I must have, but I am Irish so it would be normal for us. My beloved MIL died the year before and she was in the coffin at the house when we got back there, so it wouldn't be the first time either.

I'd go to the house, but maybe not have them in the room with the coffin if they don't want to or you don't want that for them). There will be cakes in the kitchen!

I will say that seeing my mum in her coffin was so helpful for me and her friends. I was there with her for a few weeks before she passed. She was sick with cancer, it destroyed her and she looked like a corpse for a few days before she actually died.

She had picked her own outfit which really suited her, and the funeral home did a lovely job with her makeup and hair. She looked well again, and it was really healing to see her with her colourful dress and makeup, not the yellowness and sunkenness that cancer left her with. It's the way she would have wanted to be remembered, as well turned-out in death as she was in life.

I was in the room with the coffin and seeing the wave of relief and love wash over people when they saw her looking like her old self again, or closer to it, was great. (Her hands were too pale though, before the viewing my dad sent me up to get her makeup and apply it to her hands, because he couldn't bear seeing the pallor of them.)

This was how it was for me too. My dad had a long fight with cancer. It was tough and he didn't look good. The undertakers make him look really like himself. Just before they closed the lid in the coffin I remember my sister saying that she thought she could cope if they just kept him like this and we could visit regularly. Obviously that was just grief speaking, but seeing him look well in the coffin was helpful.

Well, yes and no. Like many things, learning about death as we grow, in our family and community, seeing out parents and the wider community deal with it, can make us cope better with it as adults. In my view.

No, I wouldn't do it. I have been to one open casket viewing and I was 35 and found it difficult. It's not just hard in the moment, it can remain with you for ages.

Yes I don’t see a problem with it, but then I’m Irish. I do think your dad is overreacting, though.

No. Abdolutely not. And I wouldn't go either.

It has nothing to do with being disrespectful. I just don't want to look at a dead body.

Absolutely not.
It's deeply unsettling at best, and could be seriously traumatising.
Why would you terrify your child?

Babes in arms are fine, they won’t understand or remember. But a sensitive five year old? No.

I'm Irish and my children have seen bodies and it didn't phase them. I would never force them to go in though. Or make them attend funerals.

You can go to the house and not go into the room with the coffin, would he be happy with that?

If he's going to create a scene....uanbu to stay away. I would prioritise my children over my parents.

Absolutely not I wouldn’t look myself

But maybe that’s why you found it so traumatising, even at 35? Perhaps if you’d experienced it younger it wouldn’t have had such an effect on you? I can’t remember the first time I saw an open coffin, and it really doesn't bother me other than the normal level of grief that I feel for that person, which varies depending on how well I know them and how tragic the death is. Like for any funeral, really.

I think this is it really. I have seen so many from such a young age that they don't bother me at all. Of course when it's your parent or someone very close you feel huge grief. But you would feel that regardless. Also children accept what is the general approach around them. If everyone is matter of fact, that's how they see it. But if it's not your culture and you are an adult when you see your first body I can see that maybe it's distressing.

I don't like the idea of seeing a dead body. Open casket isn't something I've experienced and I would choose not to look if it was at a funeral I went to. I definitely don't think small children should be made to look at a dead body. Especially as they can't really consent to understanding how it might make them feel.

To me a person dies then their body isn't them anymore. Their soul has left their body.

I chose not to visit my dad's body when I was 13. But I did witness someone killing themselves when I was 4 and their body landed right next to me. So I don't want to get PTSD flashbacks of seeing that one dead stranger.

One of my mother’s greatest regrets is going to see my father’s body after he died. He died in hospital unexpectedly and she wasn’t there so she thought she should say goodbye. But it traumatised her and she wished she could remember him as he was.

I can’t fathom taking a child to look at a dead body because other people expect it. Everyone should make their own decisions about something like that, not force it on others.

Is there any chance your father will take your kids into the room to view the body without your consent? After making such threats I’d struggle to trust him.

I think you need to keep your 5 year old very close to you at all times when at the house. Your father sounds like the type to grab your child up and march into the casket room before you can even realise what he's done. (Personally I'd avoid the risk and not go at all).

And not, I absolutely would not let a child see a dead body. I did when I was about 7-8 and it really stayed with me and was very upsetting, I had bad dreams for ages afterwards.