Would you take young children to view an open casket?

[Frodo1010]

My grandad (dad's side) has come to the end of his life and my dad has fallen out with me because I've told him I won't be taking my children (5 and 1) to see their grandad in the open casket. My dad's side of the family are Irish but we haven't been raised there and so are not close. We are still going to the funeral etc to pay respects.

My dad has fallen out with me over this, has said that if I don't take them he wants nothing more to do with me. It's really upset me tbh as he isn't respecting my wishes as a parent. I'm now questioning my own judgement because of the upset over it. My 5 year old son is very sensitive and I know he'd be affected by it. Would you let your child?

I do think the whole dressing of a dead body, embalming them & presenting them to be viewed & made to look as life like as possible - really peculiar to comprehend. I’ve heard people talk about how beautifully done the persons hair looked & how “well” they looked. I can understand these all evolved out of ancient practices & rituals around preserving for practical, social health or religious reasons & for the need to want to see that person one last time, just as they were in life. But they never do. And it is actually very macabre. Only one step removed from late Victorian post mortem or death photography where family members & loved ones were dressed & propped up & included in family portraits. Viewed at the time as deeply respectful & cherished they are horribly macabre & distrurbing. I’ve only recently had to go through the loss of a family member for whom the traditional funeral was what was the done thing & so we blindly followed their wishes. It was sobering to be reminded that being dressed in your best was viewed also as the clothing you would be wearing to meet your maker. Death is a very odd & distressing business. I think that’s the problem tbh - the “business” of death creating these weird commercialised habits that are somehow enshrined by the very subject matter, so that they can’t be questioned or changed. Covid has had a positive impact I think on the whole business of it & dismantled this expectation of how to do funerals. I digress. And yet if you water down the rituals too much - do they become meaningless?

No way.

I saw a dead body in a chapel of rest when i was 16, and i was actually frightened of my late friend, bless him.

Whenever i think about him now, my memories are clouded by that last encounter.

Rest easy, buddy. 💐

I wonder how many Irish adults there are who are traumatised by having to view dead bodies throughout their childhoods and being told that it’s normal so being upset or traumatised isn’t permitted.

There are plenty of cultural “norms” across the world which we are horrified by, but which in those cultures are perceived as perfectly normal and those who object are shouted down. Just like here.

Plenty of cultures view such practices as genital mutilation as normal for instance.

Forced marriage.

being subservient to men.

Marital rape.

And interestingly there are plenty of women prepared to uphold and defend those norms because to them “it’s culture.”

We need to stop justifying things on the basis of “culture” meaning they can’t be questioned. They absolutely can and should.

Just because someone enjoyed having dinner with a dead body or gathering round the family and friends or whatever the hell happens doesn’t mean that those who didn’t are wrong.

everyone is entitled to an opinion, and people who are upset at having to see a dead body are absolutely not wrong just because someone said “Irish do it so you’re wrong.”

So what if they do. Does it make them right? No. If it works for them then crack on. But people should only do it if they want to. Not partying around a dead body doesn’t make someone wrong or not aware of death, and we need to quash that accusation pronto.

In Ireland they didn’t allow contraception for years either. Or abortion. Cultural was it?

Not quite the question but I have seen children get the giggles because the deceased's lips had kind of curled back which gave a sort of toothy, horse-like appearance (not meaning to cause you offence at this time OP, but it made me make a mental note to look first if I ever take children.) The giggles went down very badly.

My DS saw his grandmothers body in the casket at 2. All he said was, 'Why is granny sleeping in that box?' Then he ran back to his cousins.

I was a bit freaked out by it, but he wasn't bothered at all.

No way, my friend's brother drowned when I was 14 & the family had an open casket at home, I had nightmares after viewing him. I didn't even view my mum or dad at the funeral home after their deaths.

Not a chance I’d take them and I wouldn’t bow down to someone else threats or demands.

I personally wouldn’t take a 5 and 1 yr old to a funeral service. Far too young to be dealing with lots of people crying and being upset.

No. I took my children to say goodbye to my Grandad when he was still alive but at the end of life because I felt it important that they got to say goodbye to him as they were close. He looked like he was asleep but all three of them (now adults) remember it and one of them told me that it scared them. I think your dad is being unreasonable making threats to fall out with you over this.

I wouldn't want to go to an open casket, so obviously my children wouldn't go. Absolutely no argument.
I also didn't take my children to funerals until secondary school age.
I am of Irish Roman Catholic heritage and it has never been expected.

Yes I would but I’m Irish. My DCs went to their granddads funeral at aged 3 - the English cousins didn’t go. I do think your Dad is being a bit OTT about the whole thing - it’s a choice. I wonder whether he sees it as you failing to bring your kids up as Irish.

Absolutely not!!

This. The fact he said if you didn't do as he says he will cut you off would make me dig in all the more.

No I wouldn’t. TBH I wouldn’t go to view an open casket myself either. I remember my ex-H telling me that his mum took him to view his grandads open casket when he was about 6 & it traumatised him for many years.

I think comparing a wake to genital mutilation, forced marriage and so on is a bit extreme

The OP asked whether people would allow their children to see an open casket. So people answered and some would and many wouldn’t. They were literally answering the question and sharing some perspectives to help her understand where - perhaps - her Irish father is coming from.

This post and many others are unnecessary and rude.

I don't actually think it is really about commercialisation. Some people believe it enables acceptance of the loss, making it real not abstract.

One thing that is jumping out of this thread for me is that how the attitudes of parents and caregivers impact dc in these situations.

A lot of the descriptions of traumatic experiences involved being compelled, forced, misinformed or underprepared.

The Irish wake traditions are rooted in the catholic beliefs that the body is an empty vessel, earthly remains of someone we loved dearly but who is gone. There was a shared understanding that a corpse is not a person anymore.

Telling dc to expect to see someone “sleeping”, or expecting them to interact with a corpse as if they were still that person is confusing, and deeply upsetting and unsettling.

The wrongness of the dead body can be something that helps you process death. But equally it can be disturbing, it depends on the meanings and emotions we attach. The impact isn’t inherent, it’s socially and culturally derived.

@Frodo1010 In your case I think you might be wiser not to bring your dc, and maybe not to go yourself because of what’s been emotionally attached to this. You’re more likely to have a negative experience in these circumstances. If you’re tense, anxious or resentful, you’re not in the best place to guide or support your dc either.

I agree with this, what I or anyone else would do isn't really relevant. I should probably have said this sooner

I’m not originally from UK, from a north Eastern state in USA. “Wakes” or viewings were part of main stream life. I have memories of being about 5 going to my grandfather’s wake.

I understood the concept of death and I do think going helped understand and say goodbye. In no way did it feel wrong that I was there, with all my family, saying goodbye to grandpa. He was a really great man. As an adult, I’m so thankful even as a child I was included (as were my cousins of similar age) as it helped me see his families can share such sadness together, talk about it and move in together

also meant we could all easily talk about our shared memories of him throughout our lives and share these with our children.

death is part of life. If your children are raised to accept it happens, talking about it is normal, work through feelings of loss, it will help them in their lives going forward

I was not a child, but my dad wanted me to see my grandfather's dead body in the hospital after he died (long illness, not sudden). I went and so did my sister, for the sake of my dad, but I'm sorry I saw it as now all my memories of him end with that, if that makes any sense. His body lying on the hospital bed. I would rather all my memories were of him alive, even alive and ill.

However, in that position I would always consider the wishes of the person closest to the deceased, in that case, my dad who was an only child so had no sibling to share his grief - and my grandmother had died only a couple of months earlier - so in that sense, if it helped my dad, I don't regret going.

I'm not part of a culture that traditionally has open caskets - it might have been different if it had been something I was used to.

But as a general thing I would not recommend it for an adult or for a child, just because it affects your memories in the way I've described.

That wasn’t fair of your Dad.

I understand your point that he wanted someone to ‘share his grief’ with, but it was very selfish.
I’m guessing he was aware that you were reluctant?
But he guilt tripped you anyway.

There’s nothing to be gained by seeing your loved one’s dead body.
I don’t buy all the ‘It’s natural. It’s part of life. Children have to face it’ bullshit either.

I grew up in a funeral home. From being too young to remember I was surrounded by deceased people, mostly old, who were being taken care of prior to their funerals. It’s normal to me. However, no, I would not take a sensitive 5 year old, who wasn’t ’used’ to seeing such things as there is just no need. It benefits no one at all.

The bigger issue is your dad, who I think we can all agree needs to really get a grip.

That's your opinion. My opinion is that it can have a lasting and very disturbing effect on somebody which could stay with them for years. Which is why nobody should be forced out of duty to view a body.